Decision

Sometimes I doubt my own decisions. Some decisions are taken without thinking, at the spur. Some decisions are taken cos it is strongly felt within me, without knowing the reason. But it comes out very strongly. Its as if for my own good. An weird feeling... As in if don't want then just don't want it. If wanted, its to be gained anyhow. But when taken on something very precious, its very difficult to let go of it. Very difficult.

Its as if I have to fight with my own heart and mind to change that unspoken decision. And believe me both are bloody stubborn! And its a long fight. Once it is persuaded to change its decision, its way too late. Everything is gone, and I get adjusted to it. But then its ok. This is life. Whatever happens, happens for good. Every one's good.

Nothing matters later. Just that you are left with yourself.

Lonely?

I've heard people say they are "so so lonely" when they get bit down. All they need to do is look around... I guess people don't know what exactly loneliness is. One bad mood, no one to talk to, and you are lonely? I understand someone is required to talk to at that moment and share out the frustrations, but then all you need to do is call. There are so many around... You just need to try and think clear. Keep the mental balance. That's what makes us humans: being able to cope with it. They still are there with you.

I'll tell what loneliness is..
Imagine this...

You go to a new place. An alien place. There is no one to talk to. There is no means to communicate with your loved ones. Or maybe there is no one left. Their status is not known. The place is almost empty. What to do? Where to go? You are disturbed. Frustrated. Something inside you wants to yell out all the pain. Yet you cant yell... You want to throw whatever comes in your hands. Destroy everything that is yours..
You want to talk to some one. Who to look for?

The nights are darker than usual. You feel stranded. Its like standing on an empty road at night and there is no vehicle to go back home, there is nothing at all.. Just a silent breeze. All empty. No sign of life..

When inside your blanket, blackness suffocates you... You can feel it crushing you. Its as if you are in a different planet. A lone person in some totally deserted area... What to do when you need a bear hug, or a kiss on forehead? Who to call when there is no one left? You can feel your hot tears on your cheeks, but there is no one to wipe it off..There is no relation left to make or break..

You pull your blanket closer to yourself, but it doesn't help. The voice in your heart is still yelling. Its midnight and you want to kill yourself. You're going mad by not being able to talk to a live person...

When they were around, you wanted to talk, like you did now... But you were ignored. On your face... A few were there.. But nothing is left now..

You just wish the night ends and hope for something new tomorrow.. A dead hope, knowing that tomorrow will be the same as today. But still hope is a hope... Something that keeps you going, a reason to live...

This is loneliness...

So, are you lonely?

Chained

Its like this game... You close your hand into a fist. Close it tight and ask another person to try and open it. She tries, she succeeds into slipping her finger into your hand to loosen the grip.. She starts from the little finger. You don't want to loose, so you tighten your grip. Even if its bit of cheating when you tighten it when she succeeds a bit, but then you don't want to loose. You tightening your grip might have hurt her finger. But, if your hold is stronger than her struggle, she will never be able to open it. And you win.

Its very much similar like this game. Only its bit real. The chain looks beautiful. Metallic silver in color. Wrapped around your neck, your chest, your hands, your legs. Bounded you totally. Not beautiful now. You want to get out of it. You want to breathe. You struggle to break it open, and there! you get a small slip.. but then the more you try the more it hurts you back. The more it leaves marks on you... Everything around looks dark. Even the brightest morning will be dull. There is no freedom. That is what is missing (freedom), to see the beauty.

You struggle. You don't give up. The chain cant be stronger than your will and mental power. It has to break. And break it somehow. That's your problem. Wake up, and think. Think logically and break it! Break it fast... Because somehow that fresh morning breeze will touch your bare skin, you will breath that air, and that air will want you to be free all over again.

End this! Be chained no more.