Forget me not...

Forget me not

I’m your memory

Forget me not

I am you

I used to make a big deal of forgetting whatever memory that gave me pain. Blocking every damn thing that had made me cry and hurt me. I thought there is no place for sadness or pain in my life and I have to erase it. And I did it. I almost did.

Months back, a friend comes back to me and asks me, “Do you remember how we used to do this....” And I am shocked with myself that everything is so distant and lost. This one was happy, but around the painful part. What was wrong with this one that I made it so faint?

I was ruthless and told the friend about my theory. I didn’t realize how hurtful it could be. I didn’t understand his desperate attempts to keep it alive in me. And I would wonder why so much of pain was taken to keep it alive. And recently just the thought of one good friend forgetting me forever was like sucking air out of me.

It was so cowardly of me! Running away just because it had hurt me! What the hell?! There’s much more than this, to life and to me. I was such a sissy to give up!

This part of a song exactly fits to the feeling I’m feeling and yelling out now:

The struggles I’m facing

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But, no I’m not breaking

I may not know when

But these are the moments that

I’m gonna remember most yea

Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong

Just keep pushing on

But there’s always be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to loose

Ain’t no bout how fast I’ll get there

Ain’t no bout what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

He was right. If I say, “This is it” then it will be that. If I say, “This is the beginning. A new star’’ then it will be that. Life goes on the way I ride it.

Something shouldn’t be so controlling on me that I’ll start destroying the element of me. I was late. Better late than never... At least now I know who and what is important in my life. Thanks kiddo. I wish you were here right now and I could tell it that I finally understood what you felt. I was stupid to take try and take something so precious away from me.

If not for these memories there would have been no learning. These memories itself are element of me and for me learning things and coming up stronger. Memories are beautiful even if sad. Just that I shouldn’t let it hurt me. Nothing can. I’m finally so blissful that nothing can! J

All I know is everything that happened is now a part of my life. There is no point denying it. However hard I yell, it will still be the same. I can just smile and move on. Everything is precious to forget. I can’t be so brutal on myself, can I? If I remove it, I’m tearing me apart. I can just store it in the attic and never touch it.

Forgetting is not easy. I guess it’s ok to regret. That way I’ll know what not to repeat next time. Regret is like acknowledging a mistake. And my chemistry lecturer used to say, “Fools repeat a mistake twice”. But I should regret and leave it there I guess and not hang on to it and think so much over it that I forget what I actually have to do next.

Life is a climb.

Me 1, 2, 3...

Today: 27 Dec, 2009
8:40 P M
Sunday

After a long time I realized this, I guess I’ve been taking care of so many people around me that I guess it had become a stagnant thing that I would take care of everyone around me I knew and liked (I make an awesome show of, “I don’t care about u” though). Then yesterday, this person who I sometimes feel is a mirror of me kinda let down his guard. (Or must have been acting, who knows?) It felt good to be taken care of by someone as strong as me, or maybe much more or less, who knows? But it felt good to be taken care by a person who is sure of himself and is in control (or acts in control), if only for a moment. There was a tone of authority, but only for me get out of to monotone of “disinterested to do it” attitude. There was no tone of demanding for explanations.

But then yesterday was too much; so much that it felt maybe weird when we got up the next morning. At least I did. It felt out of place. It was nice, but out of place. (I guess other friend of mine was right when the comment was made, "You like been taken care of sometimes". Was too egoistic to admit :D)

I blabber. I talk small insignificant things with him, after I let my guard down too. I wish I stop being like that. Like being one person with one and something else with other, in sharing sense. But on the other hand sometimes I feel it’s safe. I always wanted this right: not wanting anyone to know me totally. I don’t regret letting one know me to some extent because I’m not the same as that person knew anymore, anyways so what’s the point? I don’t understand should I care enough about this? Or should I just let it be and totally be being however I am with different people. At least if I’m comfortable in that skin of mine, I don’t mind... at least every part of me gets a chance to live, thanks to those people. Still I’m the whole total me with myself, like right now, and it does feel weird when I’m parts and parts of me with different people. I guess it must be the rain and the self company making me talk like this. Who am I kidding? Me? Duh!!

Just go with the flow baby! No point thinking here!

Talk, but what?

Today: 27 Dec, 2009
11:20 PM
Sunday

Sometimes there is this great urge to talk to someone. Talk out everything that is there in my head (don’t mean complains, I’m sick and done with it).But when I try and see who do I want to talk to, there is this big blank person. There is no one in friends that I feel like talking to. But still, I want to talk to that blank.

I feel solace when I talk to myself later. But I’m not that blank. The feeling of solace when you talk out to someone is different than the solace with self. Sometimes self solace is better, but this case is different. Then I counter back, “Is it necessary?”

It is something I miss. And then I question, “Miss what? Bloody you have everything you want!” I feel like saying, “I miss you.” And then I reply, “Duh! You are talking to everyone. Anyone you want is near you!” Sometimes I just want to talk insignificant things, significant things and ask, “Is that ok?” “Is that ok if I’m not sure sometimes and ask you?” But then what things? It’s there in my head, but then again it’s like a wordless song.

It is a weird feeling I’ve been trying to decipher. It is all mixed. Along with all that, there is this mixed feeling to share out. Share out what, again I’ve to decipher. Sounds fun but very frustrating! There no more is a void. There is this comforting feeling of completeness, still this weird feeling. That is what is killing me!

I never had this urge to talk. Never was the need, I had me. I still have me, so what’s the problem? Plus I don’t even know what is that talk or what is it that I'm missing!

Void, blank whatever you call it! Unpleasant feeling! I don’t like it.

Mr/Ms blank!

Strength

Its like putting on that armor, standing right in the between the battle field, a sword protecting the heart. Its like standing firm, with solid metal around with mirrors in front; facing whatever comes. Whatever it is, it will reflect back whatever comes, leaving me unharmed.

There is strong aura around. You feel it emerging from me, like the brilliant rays of the sun. Too bright for you to see and too easy to feel.

I'm the black hole for pessimism.

Once I believe in it totally, there is no stopping. This is the beauty of strength. And strength gives determination.

I radiate bubbling optimism, full of energy. You can soak into it and pick it oozing from me, like the heat from the sun.

Too bright and beautiful. Too strong and powerful.

This is my strength.

Mixed Emotions

Some things really will never change. I thought it has cos I had forgotten things long back. I thought it has cos I thought I lost myself. Foundation will never go.

I am happy that I am able to express myself as exactly as I was able to. I could tell this person, " You know what? Its easy to talk to you.. You don't irritate me or put me through things.. So its nice talking to u, as a change.. There is no compulsion to tell everything.. And can talk just anything. I like that." And the best part was, there were no questions. It was accepted and perfectly understood by that person without taking any unreasonable offense. I really liked it. Its after so long I got this type of company. Its a normal talk, and when it ends I'm still calm. It was like a light company, being completely ourselves, without any need to "act" to put each other at ease, or without any "act" to show things off and say 'I'm the only one' kind, or trying to show 'life's great!!' (Not that all the conversations with friends are like that, just that its not easy going, run out of topics and was like 'I pinged you, just like that' kind.) It was natural, none of all those things I talked about. The talk was all about simple, small things. All those nothings which do mean something. Like remembering all those small things about myself. I liked this even more. I so missed it.

I am happy I've not forgotten everything. I saw a picture of a place and every memory was fresh. It felt nice seeing that place after so long, it has all nice memories attached to it... It made me feel nostalgic. The want to touch it and breath in it again.

Thoughts are so uncontrolled that it scares me. Some thoughts really need a full stop. I don't know how to put that self control yet. It is very scary when I of all will question my own worth to myself. Its like I don't trust me anymore.

It is all mixed... Everything all at once.. Confused, scared, calm yet hyper, nostalgic...

There are no regrets. But still I do wish I could do things or decide on things much better, if given a chance...

But then if it wouldn't have had happened, I wouldn't have learnt.

Breathe!

I'm talking lot of absurd things!

Full stop!!

Bathroom Thoughts

Today: 19th December, 2009
Saturday
12:47 am


It is a wonderful feeling. It had made me feel all warm and special. Feeling of being in love.

Now I stand out of it, and I realized how much I had grown into it. Something about it becomes so comfortable that I had forgotten my individualism. It was we. It was lovely being we, but I and you were lost.

The reason why we fall for each other is because of ‘you’ and ‘I’. And it somehow gets lost. There are no adjustments or compromises, but still it becomes so comfortable that I had stopped many things unconsciously.

Another theory (bathroom theory) I thought of was, I would love to be with someone with whom it will be ‘we’ but at the same time there will be ‘you’ and ‘I’. Meaning, every day will be like our first day together, discovering something or the other about each other or about anything, and still growing close. The need or want will be there, not dependency; but a support.

I started thinking more, discovered so many things about myself that I enjoy that I scare myself of fooling myself. I did move forward, reduced the whining. I became an individual again. It’s like discovering me again. Just that there is no one to share this happiness, excitement with. There are friends, but its not the same.

I want exactly this. Still strongly being an individual when its “we”. You are there to hug not needing a reason. You are there to share my happiness because you understand it the best. You are there. My complains are for me to see. You are there to support when I’m about to fall. You are there, because you love me. But I’m still an individual. I love you, and I’m there too. But you are still an individual.

Maybe like an emotional support? I don’t know, it has to be much more than that...

Love is wonderful. It has to be; it had made me smile. I have no idea if I should control here or let it just flow? Its complex or maybe I’m thinking too much. I really don’t know when I should put a full stop to my thoughts. This, I have to learn to control too. Everything under control? Freak!

In nutshell, all I want is to be in love. But in such a way that it is “we” but still being ‘you’ and ‘I’. I still want to love ‘I’ as much as I will love ‘you’. I still want to keep ‘me’, think individually, sharing thoughts openly, talking everything unimportant and important, and surprising each other every day. Every day will be like first day, discovering ‘you’ and ‘I’, but still will be very close. There will be no need to speak every time, will be comfortable even in silence. It just will be simple and at the same time beautiful. Too difficult to explain but easy to show.

I’m asking too much!

More than that, it must be sounding absurd!

Theories

Today: 16 December, 2009

Wednesday

11:45 am

Theories are self made protocols, on whatever it maybe, not scientifically speaking.

I always thought, if I’m crazily passionate about something, I will never get tired of it or even complain frequently about it. Passion is something I love. If I’m passionate about something, it means I love that something. There will be no question of complaining over it, ever. This is one theory. I put it in front of a friend. He calls it tough, because I said: I’m not allowed to complain. I was wondering, “How can it be tough”? Why should it be tough? If you love it, you’ll never ever get tired of it. It will be the reason you’ll be very alive. It is the dream you always wanted and got it. Dreams are beautiful.

Anyways if it is tough, it has to be tough. And it is worth! Else how am I ever going to run after it? I’ve to chase it to get it. If there are no protocols, there will be nothingness.

Same goes with ‘life’. It has some meaning. I’ve given it, by my theories. Else it will be just like, “I’m just living.” It will be equivalent to saying, “I’m born just to reproduce and then eventually die, what’s the point?” As if there is nothing else to do in this world. As if other thing in this world are just show piece. There is more to life than just this. There is science. There is this amazing field I am dying to learn and explore. There are so many questions to be answered. If I don’t keep those so called “theories” how will I think?

I get the taunt of, “You always keep thinking”. It’s like a compliment to me. Brain has to be busy anyways right? Keeping the Alzheimer’s at bay that way ;)

What’s wrong if I think on how to make myself tougher? What’s wrong if I think on various ideas of improving the projects? If I won’t think, how on earth I’ll get ideas? If I won’t think, how will I ever move forth? If I won’t think, how will I ask questions? If I won’t think, how will I work?

Nothing can be invented or created without ideas. Nothing can be done without thinking. I wouldn’t have been able to lash all this out without thinking! It is very important! I’m quiet when I want to. There is no compulsion in this world or by anyone or even if you say, for me to speak every time. If you ask, I’ll speak. But then don’t complain.

Theories are theories. Don’t question it always. Theories are like inventions. I wouldn’t have understood how really I feel about this or thought over it if I wouldn’t have complains on how ‘tough’ my theories are. They are tough, because nothing is simple. (What connection! Don’t question it ;).)

Has to be the same with science/technical field right? If I’m passionate about it that it... Just that, then the theory won’t be a protocol. It will be much more cooler!!

Next to theories, next cooler thing is ‘why’. I get irritated stares for that too. But then, without whys there will be no thinking and there will be no understanding, and hence no creating of more theories! I guess their irritations don’t matter anymore. Society! I’m anyways in recluse mode. ;) This is much more important than them! I love this!

Stubborn

Today: 13 December, 2009

Sunday

6:10 pm

There is something called as instincts/intuition I guess. I get it, I believe in it. I believe in it because it’s strong and I know it will happen. Sometimes I WANT it to happen. Sometimes is just a feeling. Maybe I feel it because I want it. Consciously or unconsciously I don’t know. All I know is its strong and that it has to happen, no matter what. And it usually does. Instincts/intuitions never go wrong right? It is like a child’s stubborn want.

The pain is horrible when it goes wrong or when it doesn’t work. It’s like all hopes were pinning on it, which is wrong, right? Self torture! What can I do? I’m only being a human.

The pain can be avoided by not being so arrogantly stubborn. But just can’t help it. A want is a tantrum placed on one self, on nature. However impossible it might seem, the want is stubborn. Not caring about the torture I’ll be placing on myself if and when I don’t get it. But the pleasure and the ecstasy I experience when it truly happens is worth taking the chances.

It is like a challenge. Sometimes like a losing battle. Still it is still there, the want. Hope. Belief in the instinct.

Ignoring is not always easy.

Sound like an overgrown child?

Vent

Today: 13 December, 2009

Sunday

12:25 am

I walk up to her and stand facing her. I tilt left and then right, as if I’m viewing my own side profile... She does the same. I look into her eyes; lovely black eyes, always speaking something.

She has an honest heart; an honest face. The face, I’ve been seeing it since   years, still seems unknown to me.  She has experienced joy, pain, love, rejection, almost every possible emotions, just like everyone else. And the most beautiful part is how she has grown over the years, though she has had her moment of madness.

I blink and she blinks back. It’s a reflection I’m looking at. I smile, and she smiles back. My li’l head starts thinking:

It’s so easy to speak and make myself believe something, only if it gives relief for a moment. It’s worth though. A moment of distraction and a moment of illusion. The dreadful part is: I will have to face it sometime. Till how long will I keep running away? Whatever happened to, “Turn back and face the wind!”? A coward now? I look again into the mirror, whoever she is, she is not me anymore.

There are changes. I’m changing, making myself tough. I have to; it’s a tough world out there. I’ve had enough heart-breaks for now.

There’s a difference between being tough and being strong. I’ve to be tough to be stronger. There’s no point being a soft layered person and trying to be strong. If not tough, things eventually start to break inside me again and again. Then I start feeling that weird burning hole in my heart. A weird feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty. A pathetic feeling of self doubt. Leaves me scared and twitchy. Such pathetic uneasiness that I feel like curling up into a ball, hugging myself so tight that I can stop the pain. It’s really pathetic. Everything is haywire. Every work stops, no concentration. A complete mess. And trust me, it feels even more horrible when things are not under self control.

Changes are difficult to accept. Sometimes it does leave me feeling dazed, asking myself “Is this really happening to me?” Sometimes it’s so horrible that I end up cursing myself and then the “fate”, saying the damned thing, “I don’t deserve this!”

It’s sometimes confusing on when to let things go and when to hold on to it. I feel two thins when I let things go:

1.   I’ve given up. It’s like holding on to fistful of desert sand.

2.   I’m building up courage to face something new. It’s exciting but at the same time I’ve to leave my comfort zone. (those twitchy, uncertain blah blah feelings are max)

I lie yes, to convince myself when it’s going out of control, creating an illusion, making myself believe the point 2 and trying to make myself strong. And when I lie to myself, I do it to others around me for my and their own good, if they are linked to it. I can’t be a nuisance to anyone. Or worst, a nuisance to myself. If it’s for the “emotional” good, then what’s the harm? As long as its not affecting anyone. If the truth is too hard to accept, lie works, if only for a moment... (Emotional sense I mean here, not work sense.) The best part is I’m convincing enough for whoever person is concerned and even to myself. (Later it hits hard, to me.)

Sometimes, really life really gets so complicated even when things can be so very simple. “It’s all in the head.” Plus there are those emotions like ego, arrogance, pride, etc which gets into the way and makes it even more complicated. So very confusingly complicated. It frustrates me.

The priorities are set, head is satisfied; what about heart? Is she important? I’m focusing on making her tough, so it has to be, right? So complicated being a human with those hormones and emotions inside!

I’m still in front of the mirror. I look at myself again. It’s the same eyes, same smile. The essence is same, but still something has changed. What I not used to believe in, I believe in it now and vice versa in some cases. What I used to call me is not me. I’ve no idea if its just a phase or situation has permanently done the “damage”. Whatever it is, it is new. It is like being in someone else’s skin. It’s not at all comfortable. I miss the “back home then” me. There was some innocence, which is forever gone. There was some raw energy of being self, no pretending or trying hard to heal out of failures. It’s gone too. The ease of being able to express emotions, love, warmth, somehow is buried deep inside. All the bubbles of energy popped. Something that made me that is missing. The essence is same, but person is different. I don’t like it.

Time heals everything. Like this? Not fair.

It's (me) Ms. Nasty :)

Pondering over this "dialogue". This is exactly how I'm feeling and making me hate society more and more.

"Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts-Your arrogance, your spite, your condescension-has sprung open. Someone provokes you and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them; "Hello, its Mr. Nasty". " Joe Fox (Tom Hanks)

And this:

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass my zingers to you and then I would never behave badly, and you could behave badly all the time and both be happy? Then on other hand I must warn you, that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows..."

What is troubling me is this:

I am honest and straight forward. Very much. People have this very bad habit of not listening and then jump on me totally and go from some point to other (emotional blah blahs, I had become like this once upon a time, but wouldn't jump on the person) never talking about the actual thing. What the hell!! What I'm supposed to lie and never tell whatever the hell is the irking me?  I don't understand, once they say "be honest and frank" and later they behave in a different way! The more irritating thing is, they don't practice what they preach! And I used to think I don't know what I want!

The only thing to do in their lives is, talk about people - gossip.

I'm not compatible in this society. I'm "Anti-social" then.

So be it. I'm happy being that.

Tired of "tying" to fit in. Why should I "adjust"? As always I'll be exact me, no matter what. Will try and count 10 when provoked (avoiding feeling remorse, its a torture to myself). Better to shut up than bark along with them. There has to be a difference between them and me. After all, its me!

Society wants to talk, talk. What do I have to loose? I'll respond only when poked to talk. I'll be frank and exact. Think whatever. Hell do i care from now on! My being frank and honest is being mean and rude, then hell I am that! (Be sensitive, but stop being over sensitive)

I'm proud of being that.

I can't believe that I had begun doubting about myself because of this society! Being too much with the society, you almost become one of them. Character wise, behavior wise.
 

No more.


Tell me things then and there, don't come to me hours or days later. I won't even care if they hate me. Spent enough energy on this and realized its not worth.


Poke only if you can handle, I'll talk. Till then, recluse.

A Silent Goodbye

Life is a choice; to breathe or not to breathe,

What has the sun to do with it?

The source to use is lying right there,

What has the “right” time to do with it?

You live a call to a block away,

I call, asking you to be there.

Will you be able to save me, while I think of my worth?

I’ll kid about it and you’ll never know me.

Hand reaches towards it,

No spare time to regret.

Once action taken, deed is done

I’ve already erred to even think to go back.

Waiting for the time to pass, I call you up

Talking random; I tell you how much I love.

Those will be my last words before I go,

And that will be all of my silent goodbye.

Addict

Can't get enough. Greedy, greedy me. He's like my cup of coffee. Once get a whiff of it, a frenzy begins. Have to taste more and more of it. Then comes an unavoidable control; and somehow the essence fades, until the next avoidable encounter.

If not avoided, the loop begins.

The link is beautiful and innocent. Honest and sweet. The sunset is brilliant even when its cloudy. Even the mornings are warm when it is foggy . 

That's what is addictive.

Never Think Forlorn

It was a slow walk down a boulevard on a drizzling twilight. Her mind though full of agitated questions, she was in peace. It was a long walk with company of self, holding someone else.

All smiles, suddenly her legs were broken. Down she fell and landed into a puddle. All her talks of “get up and walk on” were deaf to her own ears. She sat there with a forlorn look in her eyes, head down, immobile, drenched in now heavily pouring rain.

Hours ticked by, still no sound escaped her lips, unaware of everything. A mess.

She looked up, surprised; someone had called her name. She looked up to see a hand outstretched at her. She turned her head away. The sound called her again breaking her trance. She ignored it. It was not the sound she longed to hear. The sound yet again spoke to her. It was soft. She closed her eyes, shutting everything out; muting every possible melody that can exist.

The sound was not used to being ignored. Its strong hands gripped hers, and pulled her up; forcing her to open her eyes and face the world. “This is not the end of it”, the sound said. She winced at the pain. She was conscious of the sound now. It shook her out of a dead world, even if for a moment.

She looked around at the new world; waiting for her to explore.

The sound spoke to her again urging her to walk. She obeyed. Took a step, she stumbled. The strong arms held her; kept her steady. An unspoken support.

Days passed by. She now walks on her own. Uncertainty still lives in her heart; but she walks on. There is a void. She knows not what she wants, still she walks on. There are some dreams, waiting to be painted, picture though blurred.

There is a want to do something and cut the string that has bound her tight. A soundless thought. A wordless song. Waiting to form and burst out. It’s all muted, for now.

There is a way. She will figure it out, in time. She knows she is strong.

She is not born to exist.

She learnt, “One failure is not the end of all. It all matters on how you get up and walk ahead. It all matters on how you turn out to be out of that failure.”