Dark Night

April 11, 2011
2:25 AM
Moon light streaming through the window past mid night, her silhouette made her feel perfect.
---..

Jane, Learn!

"The first step is acceptance.
The most difficult one."
---..

Like a dog with his tail between his leg

Bravely pursued the truth, disgracing pretense. When she finally got it, she ran away. There was comfort in pretense.

Some things are so painful that it is best to still pretend that nothing ever was painful.
---..
My obsession with truth force ends. 

Alter Ego's Effort

She tries to be as fake with you as you are with her.
---..

Jane's Emotion

Weirdness: She cannot be with the one she is happy around.
She is all that bla bla
- Vivian
---..

Personality clashes

Everyone loves Jane.
But once Vivian emerges, Jane is forgotten. Nothing matters anymore.

 ---..

In her face

Few hours later, sitting on a bench waiting for a bus after spending time together walking around in a mall passing time; conversing:
Jane: You shouldn't have told me that.
Dad: Learn. This is reality. Face it.
---..

She already knew :)

When asked for opinion, which sometimes leads to arguments rather than explanations, made her realize that there was no need to ask for an opinion, because the decision was already made. And she thought she is still in undecided state... :)
---..

Identity

If she has forgotten who she is/was or not being herself, if she really has, then I'm guessing it never really was her.
---..

Fraud Jane

Had she really wanted it, she would have pursued it. Letting go is probably giving up; knowing it is not easy. Unless she found something better: an alternative.

She really seems to be a LOT on my mind :)
---..

Almost there :)

Daddy offered to buy her a glass of red wine. Is that a sign that he sees her as (almost) completely independent lady now? :)
---..

Jane in Distress

When she gets what she wants, will she want what she gets?

---..

Missing Ms. Jane

Wake up, wake up. Closing your eyes to everything won't make it less real. Blocking everything away won't make it disappear. Looking away from it won't make it invisible.

Whatever happened to "you"?

---..

A Midnight Conversation

With no reason, a spontaneous conversation.

 Me: When the mind gets tired of repetitive things, it tends to give up by giving into frustrations. I don’t know if this is right. Holding on to it is killing.

You: Giving into frustration. Didn’t get that.

Me: What happens when things don’t go right? Or don’t work the way you want it? You fight back, stay strong, right? When you stop fighting or give up on things, that is giving into frustration.

You: But sometimes isn’t it wiser to step back and give up fighting for a lost cause?

Me: But the mind is so stubborn. I don’t know what makes it not want to believe that it’s a lost cause. The thing called hope, a stubborn mind relies on it, not a normal one. Observe :)

You: If the mind has given up too? Then what? How much can you delude yourself, under the name of “hope”?

Me: That’s what. There are two minds. 1. The stubborn one. 2. The given up, tired one. The second one says, “You are deluded. Get over it already!” Somehow strong one appeals to me and the circle of frustration continues.

You: Yea well the third should exist, for telling the other two to get real and stop dwelling on things that have negligible impact on the bigger picture that is your life. :)

Me:  The third mind is created! Got a solution now. :) This again sounds subtly like giving up. Asking the first mind to shut up. Speaks a lot. :D It’s asking me, “Giving up on what you wanted. Isn’t this what made a fragment of your life?” Damn yaar, it never gives up!

You: Unnecessary, inconclusive backtalk is all the first mind can do. And the second mind is a weakling, defeated creature. Don’t like either. Loving the third one: smart, practical and highly sarcastic! Fragment will always be a fragment, however big. But will you throw away your whole life for it? I’m thinking along these terms.

Me:  3. The Cynic. Gives temporary relief, yea. Somehow first always comes back. I used to think, small fragments are as important as big chunks. They do add up to a picture. Just like mom is not completely dressed without her bindi.

You: The first one has to come back after a while, yea. But by then, it will have more mature things to hope for. The cynic teaches a lesson and experience to the hope, to emerge stronger. But would she give up dressing just because she cannot find the right bindi? For then, what would be more crucial?

Me: I’m loving the Cynic. He said, “Look at what you just said about the “li’l fragments”. Really, is everything that important to you?” I replied, “Only the ones that mean a lot to me.” Retorts back, “Oh really?” Yes, that is what I meant by this previous message. I love that Cynic. :) Somehow makes everything light. And everything seems rational. :)

You: The Cynic always questions, how many fragments are you gonna have in your life? Life is continuity. Just like a movie. All the scenes shot are not present in the final cut. You edit the unnecessary part to include only the important fragments, to give it an continuous flow.

Me:  Exactly! This is what he meant by “Oh really?” The cynic never explains re. He has his cynicism, one line, says it all. Shuts others mouth off. :D

You: The mind can be divided into a thousand parts to rationalize with itself. But what about the heart? How can you split that from everything to make sense?

Me: There is no heart here. It’s too emotional. It screws everything. And it cannot think. This is the cynic speaking. Man, I love him! Cleared my head.

You: Yes. But can the cynic take over the heart? Who is bigger?

Me: It has at present. It has tagged heart as dumb. “It cannot think rationally or logically!” Shut up you! But there is nothing as generous as heart.

You: Heart is bigger. It keeps all things close. The cynic eventually becomes the philosopher, the wise one. Only then it can keep up with the hope in the heart.

Me: Cynic overtaking: “It’s bigger yes. It complicates. It hesitates. It’s dumb. Very emotional. It frustrates you. Mute it for a while. You’ll feel better. Can decide better and faster. Listen to the wise one.”

See it was my heart talking about small fragments; cynic talked me out of it. You cannot fall for it after you dismissed it. It’s like confused, two minds. Listen to one.

You: Wow! That’s quite a convo to have at 12 30 in the night! :D

Me: I know. :D Interesting one too. :) Mind is shutting down now. Zhop aata! Udya continue karu.

You: Chalel. Good convo though. To be continued..

Good night.

--..

Jane's Dream

It was a struggle. It was a group of three: Me, You and Someone. The struggle was to win, whatever it was. The plan was to split and take up different task, and bring it to an end. It was a physical and mental torture, sort of.

The steps were slippery. I did slip and fall flat on my face. But it was my fault; I was not careful. The fall taught me to be careful. I had to sit down for a while. Not because I was allowing the pain to take over, but because I needed to let it recede a bit and then climb again; can’t walk when head is dizzy right? It was a problem, and I decided to walk over it. No, I was not dodging it. That was its solution. It was slippery. What else does a person do when they slip and fall over wet granite stairs?

It was getting heavier. A knapsack. I had something that you needed. You asked for it, but told me to give it in a way no one notices. But it didn’t matter. I wanted to see you. The frown got to rest the moment I saw you.

I slung the sack on one shoulder. I started walking. You continue beside me, naturally. I tried to open the sack. But my knees buckled because of the weight. The sack fell open on the ground. A few passerbies walked on, throwing a glance back even as the distance grew.

I was back on my feet, exhaustion consuming me. I started wondering, “What is this game about? How come we are struggling when we are not clear about the game?” I broke the ice. I took your hand, placed your arm around my shoulder as if it’s my drape. The familiar scent. The familiar touch. My head resting on your shoulder. Your hold firm on my shoulders as we walked on. I could feel the exhaustion draining out and listen to my own deep breaths. My hands wrapped around your waist as I fell asleep on your shoulders, as if it is the most natural thing.

We stopped. I heard a voice. It was Someone. Someone was not in the group, I learnt late. Someone asked You, “Are you two a team as two different individuals, or one?” To which I heard your reply as I almost began to dream, “We are one, but still different individuals.” I liked the sound of we, I liked the sound of different. That’s when I fell in dreamless sleep.

I wish I can find out who You are. You are familiar. You are a friend. But still I have not seen You. It was peaceful with you. Secure. A sense of togetherness, a sense of belonging. An enormous feeling of pure love. A simple want to be with you.

And understanding that love is not a struggle. Love is not a game. Love is feeling. A deep affection. Love is You and Me. There never is a Someone. It is just You and Me.

But then again, it was a dream.

---..

A song

She woke up one morning
Her heart full of song
The day was bit cloudy
But still it sang a happy song

The birds chirped on her window
And she sang along
There was a thunder
And down came the rain

She ran out to embrace it
With her arms open wide
Rain saw and smiled at her
And kissed her smiling lips

The grass was never so green
She sat down on her knees
Her hands touching the grass
While rain kissed her neck

Her heart danced with joy
She never was so loved
She let her heart open
And took all the love

She woke up next morning
And found her rain gone
She looked out of her window
It was a new dawn

The birds sang on her window
She couldn't sing along
Her heart was all heavy
And it sang no song

Out she came and looked up
The sky was clear and blue
The grass was still green
With her rain's tiny dew

She touched
and tired to reach for her rain
but it all died down

The sun saw this
and sent her his warmth
She felt and looked above
He smiled at her with full love

He asked her to smile
And live her life
For she was not alone
Not anymore