Another theory

Never try to say "this is it", in any way.
It is a full stop. Stagnancy.
And kills everything beautiful.
---..

Internal Bleeding

April 14, 2011
11:14 PM
Everybody secretly craves for drama, which leads to gaining the much craved attention. 
---..

Pretense of Strength

It is so easy to pull a person down.
They will put up a strong/poker face and pretend it didn't matter to them.
And still deny it.
The power of denial.
---..

Prejudiced Judgement

Often an (unintended) cynic misses out on many things because of that (probably also because the cynic is trying to live up to some self made image). Because a cynic has lost the ability to give things a try. Or probably just forgotten.
---..

Probably a phase

All relations are beautiful from a distant.
Or probably seems.
---..

Irony (??)

When we were young we knew exactly what we wanted. The more we grow it reduces, dilemma begins with more and more choices and we begin to believe when we were young we didn't know what we wanted. When we have actually almost forgotten what we wanted.

The more we see, lesser real it becomes. And then we rant that reality sucks.
---..

Counter Self Argument

13 March, 2011
1:59 AM
When there is an open communication, there is a realization that it was like it was when it was the first time in the first place. Things mend then. Don't break. 
---..

The Conscious Effort

The more you try to keep it vague, the more obviously personal it gets.
The more you try to bridge the distance, the more painfully distant it gets.
---..

My Graceful Professor

She said, on a different context, "Never give up" which made me think in some other context: that it depends on situation. One should be smart enough to know when to keep fighting and when to give up. After sometime, it always loses its worth when it is unreachable, because of the alternatives :)
---..

Rubick's Cube

20 Feb, 2011
10:54 AM

Don't be scared to mess the perfection.
The fun is in chasing perfection. Apparently ;)
---..

Manglore Daydream

February 18, 2011

When one imagination (then consequent few imaginations) come true, there is this danger of expecting every imagination to come true.
---..

Rambles

Do not understand the reason of pretense over anything, say: not wanting some things. Yelling it out loud and making yourself believe by making others believe that this is not what you want, but secretly wanting it. This probably happens when you misunderstand the rules of signs. I don't understand them anyways, so I supposedly assume them. Assumptions are wrong because of over analyzing, then get disappointed, become a cynic and then all that pretense.

Not sure about the new directions, because it means change. And that means moving out of comfort zone. For that need to let go.

Sometimes wish innocence is never lost, once it is lost probably all the simplicity is gone. But if it is never lost, there will be no understanding. And the mistakes will probably keep on repeating. I've no idea what I'm blabbering anyways.

Wish for a retrograde amnesia of about 5 years of my life. And if I get a chance, redo it again in a different way.
---..

Steps

There is this small bubble of happiness when I feel I learnt something. Then I learn something much more about it and then, I have to take a step back to "I still know nothing". There is so much about it that, that little something is equivalent to nothing. Basics is not satisfying. Here, the best part is, I can take a step back with a feeling of still so much more to learn. When that is there, it is still new.

And then there are some steps which once taken, I can never take a step back. It is like once that emotion is felt, I cannot go back to the feeling it for the "first time". The innocence is gone, and there is perfect understanding of some things. Here, the best part is, I can take steps ahead, walk on and find something new.And probably better.

---..

A Midnight Conversation

With no reason, a spontaneous conversation.

 Me: When the mind gets tired of repetitive things, it tends to give up by giving into frustrations. I don’t know if this is right. Holding on to it is killing.

You: Giving into frustration. Didn’t get that.

Me: What happens when things don’t go right? Or don’t work the way you want it? You fight back, stay strong, right? When you stop fighting or give up on things, that is giving into frustration.

You: But sometimes isn’t it wiser to step back and give up fighting for a lost cause?

Me: But the mind is so stubborn. I don’t know what makes it not want to believe that it’s a lost cause. The thing called hope, a stubborn mind relies on it, not a normal one. Observe :)

You: If the mind has given up too? Then what? How much can you delude yourself, under the name of “hope”?

Me: That’s what. There are two minds. 1. The stubborn one. 2. The given up, tired one. The second one says, “You are deluded. Get over it already!” Somehow strong one appeals to me and the circle of frustration continues.

You: Yea well the third should exist, for telling the other two to get real and stop dwelling on things that have negligible impact on the bigger picture that is your life. :)

Me:  The third mind is created! Got a solution now. :) This again sounds subtly like giving up. Asking the first mind to shut up. Speaks a lot. :D It’s asking me, “Giving up on what you wanted. Isn’t this what made a fragment of your life?” Damn yaar, it never gives up!

You: Unnecessary, inconclusive backtalk is all the first mind can do. And the second mind is a weakling, defeated creature. Don’t like either. Loving the third one: smart, practical and highly sarcastic! Fragment will always be a fragment, however big. But will you throw away your whole life for it? I’m thinking along these terms.

Me:  3. The Cynic. Gives temporary relief, yea. Somehow first always comes back. I used to think, small fragments are as important as big chunks. They do add up to a picture. Just like mom is not completely dressed without her bindi.

You: The first one has to come back after a while, yea. But by then, it will have more mature things to hope for. The cynic teaches a lesson and experience to the hope, to emerge stronger. But would she give up dressing just because she cannot find the right bindi? For then, what would be more crucial?

Me: I’m loving the Cynic. He said, “Look at what you just said about the “li’l fragments”. Really, is everything that important to you?” I replied, “Only the ones that mean a lot to me.” Retorts back, “Oh really?” Yes, that is what I meant by this previous message. I love that Cynic. :) Somehow makes everything light. And everything seems rational. :)

You: The Cynic always questions, how many fragments are you gonna have in your life? Life is continuity. Just like a movie. All the scenes shot are not present in the final cut. You edit the unnecessary part to include only the important fragments, to give it an continuous flow.

Me:  Exactly! This is what he meant by “Oh really?” The cynic never explains re. He has his cynicism, one line, says it all. Shuts others mouth off. :D

You: The mind can be divided into a thousand parts to rationalize with itself. But what about the heart? How can you split that from everything to make sense?

Me: There is no heart here. It’s too emotional. It screws everything. And it cannot think. This is the cynic speaking. Man, I love him! Cleared my head.

You: Yes. But can the cynic take over the heart? Who is bigger?

Me: It has at present. It has tagged heart as dumb. “It cannot think rationally or logically!” Shut up you! But there is nothing as generous as heart.

You: Heart is bigger. It keeps all things close. The cynic eventually becomes the philosopher, the wise one. Only then it can keep up with the hope in the heart.

Me: Cynic overtaking: “It’s bigger yes. It complicates. It hesitates. It’s dumb. Very emotional. It frustrates you. Mute it for a while. You’ll feel better. Can decide better and faster. Listen to the wise one.”

See it was my heart talking about small fragments; cynic talked me out of it. You cannot fall for it after you dismissed it. It’s like confused, two minds. Listen to one.

You: Wow! That’s quite a convo to have at 12 30 in the night! :D

Me: I know. :D Interesting one too. :) Mind is shutting down now. Zhop aata! Udya continue karu.

You: Chalel. Good convo though. To be continued..

Good night.

--..

Perfection

It is a beautiful word. I find it at least. It’s like a misunderstood genius. Like Calvin.

Calvin has wonderful vocabulary for his age. He has smart wit and he has amazing imagination. I appreciate that in him. I appreciate the “misunderstood genius” in him. I don’t understand why people have to mock him. Why some people, I correct myself. He is a simple “man” with complicated tastes. That complicated tastes are just the best in everything. And best are perfect.

There is no harm or there is nothing wrong in looking up to someone and learning to be better. It is appreciable, the efforts they take to maintain perfection, however hard they seem. It has nothing to do with any state, or any channel. It is only you. If you believe in perfection, you’ll get it. You’ll want to have it. It will frustrate you, but you’ll still want it bad. There won’t be any defensive answers like “why do I need that?” or “It varies everywhere”. It can be simplest of thing, like for example pronunciation. How beautiful is this when BBC people, English people try and pronounce your name right and how sad when your own state channel, national channel cannot? If they can, why can’t us? If you see from my view, this is not a comparison exactly. What I’m trying to say is something else.

Not being ignorant. This is simplest way I can put it.

If you don’t care about the small things to be perfect, how can the other big things be? Small has a power too. Everything is built from scratch. Scratch is always small. And that small builds that big powerful thing; whatever it is. This is my point.

It all depends on your thinking. Instead of mocking, finding it scandalous, or even defending people who don’t even know you exist just listen to what that person in front of you is trying to say before you totally jump on him with millions of attack. There is at times much more than the mere simple words used. There is depth in simple words, you just need to listen, broaden your mind and accept that there are flaws which have to be erased to get perfection. Perfect means no flaws.

You won’t quieten him with crude remarks if you want flawlessness. You won’t obviously if you know and realize he is wise. He is wise, he has seen the world, and he has dealt with many people. He has abundant knowledge. He is sharing with you, take it. His hair didn’t go white just like that. He is the most brilliant man I’ve ever met. There is a guy similar to him. And he still has a long way to go. But the brilliant thing is he understood it already.

I have put things in plain words. I have long forgotten how to write beautifully; maybe because I found relief in being crude. Or maybe I’ve lost how to pen down my entire exact emotions, because it is perfectly understood by me and I’m in loss of words. It all sounds like some old grandmother’s story. When you listen to it carefully, there is beauty in it. There is depth. I say this, because I myself might find it weird if I read it many months later. Or maybe I might learn and understand more from my own words. Sometimes, some things need to be reminded. And these words will do that for me.

This is dedicated for my wise man. My father, who’s this beauty I couldn’t see well, till today.

---..

Reality and Illusion

Today: 10 May, 2010
Monday
9:30 a.m

Reality is what is. Illusion is what is not. The thoughts flow so much sometimes that what is and what is not is mixed. What is is itself not known.

The way mind works. It manipulates the thoughts for its selfish needs. It confuses itself so much sometimes that it itself cannot tell the difference after it merges reality and illusion.

The mind is you. The thoughts go so uncontrolled sometimes that they do need to be manipulated; else it is you who will start getting paranoid. Start ignoring what is there right in front of your eyes, denying it and hoping and believing something that has already happened will work some way or the other. The state of being full of hope(lessness).

Believing is good. Fighting for something you believe in is good. But fighting for something which is not there is madness. Hallucinated state I’ll say. An illusion.

Reality is bitter sometimes. It is in the strength of our minds of how we deal with it and not doubt it when it actually finds a solution, makes you happy by thinking, “shouldn’t I be sad?” Why should I be?

Thinking something is when it isn’t and still believing in it is stupid. It’s like lashing yourself with a whip each time reality breaks in when in state of illusion. More pain and more depression. Going paranoid, more unwanted thoughts and then starts self destruction, without even realizing it. The desperation to make it work, no, rather hoping it will work.

Best is accepting what is, and looking further. There is no point holding on something when you don’t even know if it is worth. It is best to first be sure, and then work. Simply holding on to some theories is not gonna work until you’re not sure of what it is that you exactly want. Be realistic. Being emotional is not being realistic every time. It is simply not to be trusted every time. It does you no good.

First is always you, then the thoughts. Because it is thoughts that affect you.

One fine day, I might be contradicting myself on thoughts. For now, this works.

---..

Moods

Today: 21 April, 2010

Wednesday

Its 5 30pm. Semi gray clouds. It’s raining real hard with the occasional thunders. The sound of rain falling on the asphalt is so beautiful that it makes me want to have a coffee and sit in the balcony staring at it pour. I’m here, sans the coffee though.

Bringing back some memories, giving me a funny tickle in my tummy thinking about it. They are romantic. They are sweet. My mood is mellow mature. Enjoying the silence in solitude. A pleasant mood.

Moods. 

It is very much controllable. But when you try to over control it, it is disastrous.

Noticed, whenever we are sad, we tend to subconsciously enjoy living in that mood. We tend to bring in more negative thoughts, as if we are attracting it more and more. Maybe we enjoy the attention then? Or maybe we want to be taken care of then? It feels sick from inside, hopeless, writing beautiful heartfelt poems. Waste of energy.

Try getting lost in the song you love the most. Sing along! Try not to control your laugh when you feel like laughing. Laughing actually releases so much of tension. Making you instantly feel much lighter. Enjoy the sound of rain. Enjoy. It is that easy to shift the thoughts; if you stop romanticising with sadness.

It’s a powerful feeling when the mood shifts to a brighter one. The self confidence, the bright smile, the bubbling energy, spring in every step... At that moment everything is unstoppable. Thoughts are beautiful. Everything is possible. There is no doubt. There is no fear.

Another catalyst in negation is possessiveness; when it is mixed with jealousy. Acidic! Love of any kind is free, unbounded. It has to be. Being possessive is fine, but not to such extent that you go insanely wild. Should be careful on whom you should let get close to you...

Stress, tension and depression... Who to let get close to? Who to get attached? Who should I care about? Who are important? Is interaction that important? At some point maybe yea. But sometimes there is more peace when there is less interaction :)

Moods are weird. Feelings... Trying to enjoy something when something else should be tasted...

And it’s best some feelings are not controlled. Love is a beautiful music. Laughter is a beautiful sound. Happiness is sunshine. It is wonderful :)

 

---..

Rain and us

Ever noticed the similarity between nature and our behavior? It is almost the same.

There is always a storm when a disaster befalls. Dark black clouds cut off the sun, blocking our thought process. Process of thinking rationally. Then there are thunders of words, flash of lightening anger...

When all this is happening, there is this soothing cool breeze; words of comfort from "friends". 

Suddenly there the clouds clash, and down comes the tears of rain. It falls hard. Cries till tears dry out. Finally after some time, rain stops. The clouds start disappearing. Its sunny again. Thoughts are clear as the blue sky. Smiling like twinkling stars.

But then its like a closed loop. It will happen again. But there is this belief: it will work out, whatever it is.

Like knowing there is morning after dark.

---..

On Fear and Believe

Fear, it is experienced when there is lack of confidence. It is experienced when there is uncertainty. And the worst fears come true when we believe it will.

It gives anxiety attacks, panic attacks. It makes you believe you’re gonna loose it; whatever it is. Makes you doubt yourself, your thoughts. Makes you lose focus. Takes you into the path of depression and total hopelessness behaviour.

Believe. Just like you believe the clouds will disappear to a bright sunshine. You believe the clouds will disappear because you know it will. And because you are confident it will. There is no fear. Fear robs you off this feeling.

You get so consumed in self doubt and so consumed that it is gonna fail, never work that it never will. It makes you feel like a wimp. You want to take steps towards it, but are scared that it will fail. Fear makes you weak. This is what fear does. It tortures and then kills.

Believing works. It really does. Instead of believing in failure, put that into positive things. That will bring in more confidence, less of depression and better focus towards work. Just believe in it truly and completely. Rest will work out itself. Mind works better when it is peaceful. When agitated, everything will be painful and foggy.

Know what you want. Decide and be sure. Believe in it. It will work.

Fear is something that is created by our mind. Fear is nothing but a block you are putting in front of yourself. Fear will be true, if you believe in it. Fear is nothing, but a hurdle. Jump over it.

You are stronger than your mind. I am. Believe in it. Believe in yourself. Believe it will happen. Rest everything will be fine, trust me. : )

“All power is within you; you can do anything and everything. Believe in that. Do not believe that you are weak”

--Swami Vivekananda

Just Believe.

---..

Answering the "Why?"

It might be insignificant and not important at this moment. All I know is it gave me some peace, to some extent and helped me understand me better. It will be the same with everyone else too. Just that they won’t be realizing it. No one will be having the patience to stop and think for a while and ask, “Why?”

It did agitate me for many days. “Why?” The change. The behaviour. The distancing. The happiness. The everything. It’s beautiful, the human mind. How it works. I guess the quote was right, “Reality is an illusion”. Illusion because I really didn’t see what I was doing. “Why?” Now I know why.

Its subconscious mind’s game. It’s my own mind’s game.

Something disastrous happens. Obviously it’s not wanted. First thing the mind tries to do is, “refuse”. Refuse to accept it. Refuse to believe it happened. But then some time later, it sets in. And the next thing that mind tires to do is, “block”. Block everything. Every feeling, negativity. Everything that has to do with the disaster. Memories are blocked. There is a slow change in character. Some become passive. Some become tough.

The one who become tough act like nothing had ever happened and they have moved on with their lives. They act as if nothing is stopping them. Nothing actually can. And in actual reality, nothing really can stop them. They refuse to listen to complains. They refuse to go down. They become insensitive to people around them. Insensitive to anything about them. They just don’t care. Distances created. Act indifferent to everything. What they don’t realize is that this is what they are trying to do with themselves to get over the disaster. They are being tough on themselves, not others. They are being insensitive to themselves, not others. That is because they want to go ahead. An attempt to try make themselves strong. Their behaviour is nothing but a reflection on how they actually want their mind to be. What they actually want to be. Just that its not realized. When the question, “why” is put up, then starts the torture to understand. It takes up lot of time. Time is wasted in the process, but then there is some mental peace later. And some more understanding of self. That’s when you will be comfortable with self.

The one who become passive maybe they just go into depression. They are in constant denial. Constant hope that it never really  happened. Constant hope that it will be fine. Maybe be just praying to god, hoping their prayers will be answered when they fail to realize that it’s just them who have to do something.

There is no one but you yourself to say, “Everything will be all right. Trust me”. You are your own motivation.

Sure, distances are created. There is some loneliness because of this indifference and whatever behavior. But then, “Everything will be all right. Trust me.”

---..