Most of the time we forget what we have when it is right in front of us, taken little care of, lying there in dust. So much of dust that the interest dies away, rather we forget about it and lose it.
The real one:
If I apply this in real life: by the time I remove the dust and find it, it will be too late.
I photograph only whatever appeals or intrigues me. And its difficult to impress me.
How do I force myself to get attracted to an object? It is a task.
---..
"Life gets complicated when you start comparing", she said.
More than that at times it breaks you down, makes you push yourself towards being something, and in the end embed something more to your personality. Which is sometimes good.
Everything is done, but its still never enough.
You know why?
It's because that person still looks more interesting and better than you.
You know why?
Because of the (probably) innocent comparison.
That sometimes adds to the overwhelming emotion.
How hard is it to fight temptations?
And how easy is it to get completely involved and lose yourself in something that you enjoy doing
Either way, when I stand outside my emotions it looks like complete madness.
---..
There are so many wishes around me, including mine. Wish to be with this guy you love, wish to stick to the plan. In short, wish to get what everyone wants. And then something comes along and those wishes take a back seat. Some do. And the strength of it being pushed back is known with the force it is said out loud.
Some remain distant. Half already a memory, which will probably remain locked in a box. The want will still be there, which will probably be forgotten slowly with time. After all, cannot have both the choices at the same time.
Sometimes things get so out of control that there is strong subconscious craving for a change. A snap, with no consultation from the rational mind, decision is taken to bring a change. Screaming out, "If you can do it, so can I". This is probably, no most of the time, out of discomfort of reality not going in parallel with expectations.So, to make it work something has to be done. Anything when there is some amount of stalking obsession.
Change in personality by trying to integrate small part of many somebody's personality, probably to please (or get attention) someone by assumptions. It feels great for sometime. In the end, it is a self deception, and end up losing a person which is self.
---..
There are simply two types of people: 1. The dig deep,analyze everything, talk philosophy, share poems, talk medieval and science and such stuff. I enjoy that! There is bonding, and that is one thing. 2. The have fun people. Everything is simple and direct for them. To hell with analyze else types, let me just enjoy types. And that company is a pleasant change for me!
What surprised me was, I am both of them. And I can be whoever when ever I want to be. And I enjoy being both of them! Silent to hyper happy.And that's when I realized, I'm really very happy. "Enjoy life. It is perfect." I didn't expect to come out from me. It is perfect. :) It was someone's gyan given in a cruder way, which I gave back it seems :P
Me: When the mind gets tired of repetitive things, it tends to give up by giving into frustrations. I don’t know if this is right. Holding on to it is killing.
You: Giving into frustration. Didn’t get that.
Me: What happens when things don’t go right? Or don’t work the way you want it? You fight back, stay strong, right? When you stop fighting or give up on things, that is giving into frustration.
You: But sometimes isn’t it wiser to step back and give up fighting for a lost cause?
Me: But the mind is so stubborn. I don’t know what makes it not want to believe that it’s a lost cause. The thing called hope, a stubborn mind relies on it, not a normal one. Observe :)
You: If the mind has given up too? Then what? How much can you delude yourself, under the name of “hope”?
Me: That’s what. There are two minds. 1. The stubborn one. 2. The given up, tired one. The second one says, “You are deluded. Get over it already!” Somehow strong one appeals to me and the circle of frustration continues.
You: Yea well the third should exist, for telling the other two to get real and stop dwelling on things that have negligible impact on the bigger picture that is your life. :)
Me: The third mind is created! Got a solution now. :) This again sounds subtly like giving up. Asking the first mind to shut up. Speaks a lot. :D It’s asking me, “Giving up on what you wanted. Isn’t this what made a fragment of your life?” Damn yaar, it never gives up!
You: Unnecessary, inconclusive backtalk is all the first mind can do. And the second mind is a weakling, defeated creature. Don’t like either. Loving the third one: smart, practical and highly sarcastic! Fragment will always be a fragment, however big. But will you throw away your whole life for it? I’m thinking along these terms.
Me: 3. The Cynic. Gives temporary relief, yea. Somehow first always comes back. I used to think, small fragments are as important as big chunks. They do add up to a picture. Just like mom is not completely dressed without her bindi.
You: The first one has to come back after a while, yea. But by then, it will have more mature things to hope for. The cynic teaches a lesson and experience to the hope, to emerge stronger. But would she give up dressing just because she cannot find the right bindi? For then, what would be more crucial?
Me: I’m loving the Cynic. He said, “Look at what you just said about the “li’l fragments”. Really, is everything that important to you?” I replied, “Only the ones that mean a lot to me.” Retorts back, “Oh really?” Yes, that is what I meant by this previous message. I love that Cynic. :) Somehow makes everything light. And everything seems rational. :)
You: The Cynic always questions, how many fragments are you gonna have in your life? Life is continuity. Just like a movie. All the scenes shot are not present in the final cut. You edit the unnecessary part to include only the important fragments, to give it an continuous flow.
Me: Exactly! This is what he meant by “Oh really?” The cynic never explains re. He has his cynicism, one line, says it all. Shuts others mouth off. :D
You: The mind can be divided into a thousand parts to rationalize with itself. But what about the heart? How can you split that from everything to make sense?
Me: There is no heart here. It’s too emotional. It screws everything. And it cannot think. This is the cynic speaking. Man, I love him! Cleared my head.
You: Yes. But can the cynic take over the heart? Who is bigger?
Me: It has at present. It has tagged heart as dumb. “It cannot think rationally or logically!” Shut up you! But there is nothing as generous as heart.
You: Heart is bigger. It keeps all things close. The cynic eventually becomes the philosopher, the wise one. Only then it can keep up with the hope in the heart.
Me: Cynic overtaking: “It’s bigger yes. It complicates. It hesitates. It’s dumb. Very emotional. It frustrates you. Mute it for a while. You’ll feel better. Can decide better and faster. Listen to the wise one.”
See it was my heart talking about small fragments; cynic talked me out of it. You cannot fall for it after you dismissed it. It’s like confused, two minds. Listen to one.
You: Wow! That’s quite a convo to have at 12 30 in the night! :D
Me: I know. :D Interesting one too. :) Mind is shutting down now. Zhop aata! Udya continue karu.
This has sort of started to irritate me now. "It will be fine." It has to be yes. But what is irritating me is the possibilities and the probabilities. Failing to understand what EXACTLY it is that I want. Failing to recognize what is right and wrong. And then I listen to the ghise pite dialogue, "There is nothing called as right or wrong."
"Stay positive." Sometimes I wonder if this is similar to being in an illusion. Positive that it will be fine when its "probably" lost. Ignoring the other probabilities because the "right" or the "positive" one makes us feel fine. Its almost like running away from what actually is. Then again, how to know what actually is?
Trying to stay positive is like pretending to me. Pretending everything is going to work out just fine. Like lying to self. And I hate lying. (White lie is acceptable.) When I say this, it is tagged as you are "being negative" when all I say is I am being realistic. At times the lines blur so bad that I fail to see what is right there in front of me and end up feeling helpless. It seems all messed up. What to believe in and what not to. It is ok I guess to feel scared sometimes. Maybe when they ask to "stay positive", all they are saying is to "try" and stay happy. Pretending is so tiring and draining. Holds true for staying sad too. So there I get confused! Which one to choose? Whichever works the best for the moment and relieves.
I am different at different times with different people. Sometimes I become different because of some incident or probably because of some subconscious barrier. It used to make me wonder, who really I am. Then I reached a conclusion that I am all of them. I am all of them because I am not a lie at those moments. Pretending is tiring. So probably this is called as being myself. There is no specific one me, still it is me. I wish this was the case with the possibilities too. There are different possibilities, which vary at different times. Vary in different moods. Wish all the possibilities work in my favour, whatever it be. Hopeful? :D
At times I feel when people or I say, "I am trying to stay positive" what they are actually doing without realizing is turning away from the truth. "I am trying to stay positive" = "I don't want to listen to the truth" And saying, It will be fine. Or probably it is not. I can be very wrong. Maybe I'm very paranoid right now because of which probably I am not able to draw a clear line.
The only thing which works right for me right now is being myself. And not trying to be someone else for someone's eyes to see. Whatever gives relief. Controlling, in whichever way or method.
Everyone says, "You will be fine." I say, "I know I will" instead of , "I hope so."
Logically thinking, I chose well, because I chose both. I always had the choice. And when I can have both, why stop? I love both. How can I let any of them go?
It was some phase. I can always go anywhere anytime. If I threw away one of them, I couldn't have got it back.
Might there not be a possibility that I was wrong? That I made a wrong choice, in haste?
There are periods of blank thoughts. Just blank. Numbly staring at the book, trying to love the codes, the signs. That’s the reason why I took it in the first place right? Then why so blank?
I want to compete, with one person. I want to build, like that person, like he’s almost my idol. But then why procrastinate? Why so blank? The pen is ready in my hand, paper waiting to be used, book ready to be read, mind all interested, but why is the passion missing? Now when I see, I was trying to be him. Never me. I should have pleased me.
There is beauty in numbers, in secrets, in codes, in science. I love secrets and trying to decipher it. I love science. I love them all. I really do, then why am I not so alive?
Why is that I find beauty in rain? The sound of it makes me want to create, to paint my thoughts in words. However plain it might be, to me it is beautiful. I’m lost in it. I feel alive. I am writing, I am creating. I’m putting out me. I’m sharing me, in some small way. And I thought I was an introvert.
There is some kind of peace, a sense of belonging when I create. The sounds are not irritating. The thumping, the creaking, the shrieking all are silent, as if they don’t exist. All that exist is the music of colours and me. However simple, but it is the best to me. Because it is me. Different shades of colours, brushes, glitters, glue, papers and me.
I forgot how happy I used to be when I used to capture with the now ancient digital camera. Every sunset was unique; every cloud was beautiful and different, every lightning had different colour and sound, every wave calming, every shell pretty. My dream then and even now is to get a good camera. There were millions of pictures each attached with some memories. There were faces, flowers, insects, butterflies, clouds, sun, sea and its waves, rain and its smell. There was time for them. There was everything: happiness, contentment.
The blanks are filled with colourful pictures, words, shades when around them. There is steady hand, happy creating and putting out a part of me. Every experience had to be painted, thought over, learnt, understood. Every experience was beautiful. There was a want to be shared, to be heard. Just that.
A woman does want everything. But when you put a lock out of her face, and look into her eyes, “everything” was just to be heard and understood. All she wants is you. She, me, her, all are happy doing what they love the most. Happy in our peace, in our passion. There is this childish heart, who would want you to see her art. Be it anything.
There is desire to read more, learn more, create more, observe more, understand more. Answer the questions. Quench the thirst of curiosity. Philosophy, psychiatry, poem, nature, science, everything.
All it matters is enjoying what you do. Doing what you love. Living in it, passionate about it. Content about it and want to put more to it. Confident about it and believing in it.
Now there is everything. I can do anything, whenever. There is everything, still something is missing.
Might there be a possibility that I chose in haste?
A few days back, I had said pleasing is not bad when there is selfish reason. But then I realized there is some change in self when I did that. I didn’t realize it then, because it was a slow change.
See, before there was no one to please, there was just self to please. There was no doubt over self. Self was thought to be perfect, beautiful and most importantly there was complete faith in self. There was a want to do more, improve more yes, because it was for self satisfaction, again.
When trying to please, I lost all those belief slowly. I realized this when I was looking at myself in the mirror today. I saw and I was speaking to myself asking, “What is wrong in me?”
A few years back it would be a firm statement, “you are perfect. I believe in you, completely.” There would be no questions. No struggle thinking, “What do I do now to...?” There would just be, “This is what I’m doing.” There would be, “This is what I am. I’m perfect. I’m me.” There was comfort with self. I believed that I’m special. If it was only for me, it still was enough. “I am special.” And I believed in it.
And till now, I had started believing, “There is nothing special. There is nothing unique. There will be some element of me in others too. And maybe I have some element of others.” This was all because I wanted to please. All because I tried to be unique, perfect. All because I believed what was said. All because I believed all the reasons, and I kept on saying out loud, “I don’t care what people say” until now I realized, I did. I did care what my close ones said. Who I thought were close said.
And then I realized, no one knows me better than me. I’m still the old me, just that she was lost maybe. Until she looked at herself again, with her own eyes. Not through others. And guess what she said? She said, “I am special.”
Maybe pleasing people very close to you is fine, at times. To make them happy which makes you happy. Selfish reason you see: to be happy. But then I guess, shouldn’t get totally into it. So much that you forget who you really are. Who I really am.
I was very young then yes, but I was very certain. I didn’t have that much clarity then yes, but I believed in myself.
It’s 12:05 pm, and still there is no sun. A hint of grey clouds and still it doesn’t rain. What to believe in and in what to keep hopes sometimes seems absurd. To go with the flow or to try, struggle and go against it? Again sometimes seems absurd. I don’t understand if finding it absurd is about giving up or is it about having enough and finding a new route. Either way it sounds like giving up. That again is difficult to accept.
What is “worth”? How do I know? Thinking on it, trying to find a way, a solution and feeling relief even if for a moment is illusion then, what is real? What is being lucid? How do I know I’m in illusion?
Pleasing is bad. So I thought. But to the ones I love the most; it doesn’t look that bad when I see them smile. That makes me happy. So is it or is it not? I like the feeling of being happy. Sounds selfish? But still it is not.
What is life about? What do I do? How do I find out? Trying and then waiting for it to work out is like a test on my patience. And I’m running out of it. Is it about being happy? Or is it about being selfish at times to be happy? Or is it about letting go of some things, to let that loved one be happy? How do I learn to let go? Which sounds like giving up to me. A pain.
How do I know when I’m being insanely absurd? Wanting everything I love. Wanting everything. I’m being ‘freak’ by wanting everything. For some, it’s being greedy. But then why should I care? Everything I’m talking is like a mixture of confused thoughts. Which is again absurd. And I sound like I’m in love with the word absurd.
Being myself. What is that? What is “me” when “being me”, when there are so many “you”? Who is “me” then? How do I know? Sometimes intense. Sometimes extremes. Sometimes vulnerable. Sometimes funny. Sometimes something else. The state of being angry and saying things which I don’t mean, but I would want to mean, just because I’m hurt. Why else would I be angry? But then again wonder why should I be that when after sometime it might not mean anything to me? Why can’t the mind then just skip to that phase and let go? The state of being euphoric. Being self, is being what you feel like at that moment? What is being fake? Is it trying to feel and be that? Is it a lie to others or a lie to self?
Being able to be one thing with everyone, completely true to self, and yet not able to be that self with one specific or maybe two. There is no sense of being a lie to self then, it is just a restriction. Sounds like a restriction to maintain some things, because however hard I try to feel indifferent, it still matters. That is why the restrictions maybe. Or maybe just scared. Or maybe because that specific means more to me and yet wanting that specific to know the other “me”. Is that being “me” in that situation? When I don’t enjoy the restriction and a bit uneasy because of that. What is “me” then? Two or maybe three or maybe four me to different people? Or is it manipulating self according to situation?
Just when I’m about to reach a conclusion about “me”, something new in self is discovered. It is sometimes an amazing feeling. And then again I question, “Who am I?” Who is “me”?
It is difficult to just go on existing. It is not at all agreeable. The questions are frustrating.
Wanting something badly. The value of it is more when not around. How to keep it still when I get it? It kind of lessens, without realizing it. Admitting this is difficult, makes me feel irresponsible to self. But then isn’t it the truth? Sometimes kicking that “something” away and yet feel nothing. Surprises me. Irony. Wanting and then not feeling a bit for it. Feelings are important then?
Else how will I question all this without feeling? How will I think on everything and nothing without feeling? When to know when it is important? Sounds absurd.
Finding an answer, and then leave? Why death? In everything. End of life, end of feelings, end of will at times. Even if there is a belief that this will last. Why?
There is no end to this. Even if there is an answer, there is a want for a better one. For a sense of satisfaction. Everything has to have a reason? I love you, because? There has to be a reason? I enjoy doing this, because? There has to be a reason? Isn’t it obvious it’s because I love it? And it has to have a reason to your “why”?
It makes me complicated because I think? It makes me all complicated because I want answers? Ignorance is not bliss every time. Fools are ignorant.
Loved I am and loved so much that I feel lucky. Very lucky. But still, at times there is this void, some kind of emptiness, like there is a missing piece. Or a piece which was there, right in front of me and I missed it. Or maybe something that I had already and I lost it...
A want to share. A special someone. To share my happiness, my thoughts and ideas. Indifferent to pain. A hug, anytime without any reason. Or maybe like an unspoken support. No questions on it. To swoop me off my feet and twirl around when happy. A spark in every touch, in every look. A fluttering beat when smiles, every time. A warm feeling of home when hugged. A special someone. And the want to share with that someone...
A want to love. A want to give. There is enormous capacity to love. But scared to smother with love. And in turn scared to express it. Finally, scared that it won’t be shown at all. A misunderstanding. What is the right amount? If love is infinite, grows infinitely, is there a limit to love?
A hope. A beautiful faith. A want to say, and be heard. The dream to meet. The dream of a chance , before its broken into millions of pieces and blown away, before the hand is placed in someone else’s. An unbearable pain; which will be dealt with, somehow. But there always be a tear, which might eventually dry out. But not the thought of what could be.
To live in the present is what should be done is said. But when the chance is snatched, the thought inevitably comes in; what could be?
Fear, it is experienced when there is lack of confidence. It is experienced when there is uncertainty. And the worst fears come true when we believe it will.
It gives anxiety attacks, panic attacks. It makes you believe you’re gonna loose it; whatever it is. Makes you doubt yourself, your thoughts. Makes you lose focus. Takes you into the path of depression and total hopelessness behaviour.
Believe. Just like you believe the clouds will disappear to a bright sunshine. You believe the clouds will disappear because you know it will. And because you are confident it will. There is no fear. Fear robs you off this feeling.
You get so consumed in self doubt and so consumed that it is gonna fail, never work that it never will. It makes you feel like a wimp. You want to take steps towards it, but are scared that it will fail. Fear makes you weak. This is what fear does. It tortures and then kills.
Believing works. It really does. Instead of believing in failure, put that into positive things. That will bring in more confidence, less of depression and better focus towards work. Just believe in it truly and completely. Rest will work out itself. Mind works better when it is peaceful. When agitated, everything will be painful and foggy.
Know what you want. Decide and be sure. Believe in it. It will work.
Fear is something that is created by our mind. Fear is nothing but a block you are putting in front of yourself. Fear will be true, if you believe in it. Fear is nothing, but a hurdle. Jump over it.
You are stronger than your mind. I am. Believe in it. Believe in yourself. Believe it will happen. Rest everything will be fine, trust me. : )
“All power is within you; you can do anything and everything. Believe in that. Do not believe that you are weak”
It might be insignificant and not important at this moment. All I know is it gave me some peace, to some extent and helped me understand me better. It will be the same with everyone else too. Just that they won’t be realizing it. No one will be having the patience to stop and think for a while and ask, “Why?”
It did agitate me for many days. “Why?” The change. The behaviour. The distancing. The happiness. The everything. It’s beautiful, the human mind. How it works. I guess the quote was right, “Reality is an illusion”. Illusion because I really didn’t see what I was doing. “Why?” Now I know why.
Its subconscious mind’s game. It’s my own mind’s game.
Something disastrous happens. Obviously it’s not wanted. First thing the mind tries to do is, “refuse”. Refuse to accept it. Refuse to believe it happened. But then some time later, it sets in. And the next thing that mind tires to do is, “block”. Block everything. Every feeling, negativity. Everything that has to do with the disaster. Memories are blocked. There is a slow change in character. Some become passive. Some become tough.
The one who become tough act like nothing had ever happened and they have moved on with their lives. They act as if nothing is stopping them. Nothing actually can. And in actual reality, nothing really can stop them. They refuse to listen to complains. They refuse to go down. They become insensitive to people around them. Insensitive to anything about them. They just don’t care. Distances created. Act indifferent to everything. What they don’t realize is that this is what they are trying to do with themselves to get over the disaster. They are being tough on themselves, not others. They are being insensitive to themselves, not others. That is because they want to go ahead. An attempt to try make themselves strong. Their behaviour is nothing but a reflection on how they actually want their mind to be. What they actually want to be. Just that its not realized. When the question, “why” is put up, then starts the torture to understand. It takes up lot of time. Time is wasted in the process, but then there is some mental peace later. And some more understanding of self. That’s when you will be comfortable with self.
The one who become passive maybe they just go into depression. They are in constant denial. Constant hope that it never really happened. Constant hope that it will be fine. Maybe be just praying to god, hoping their prayers will be answered when they fail to realize that it’s just them who have to do something.
There is no one but you yourself to say, “Everything will be all right. Trust me”. You are your own motivation.
Sure, distances are created. There is some loneliness because of this indifference and whatever behavior. But then, “Everything will be all right. Trust me.”
