Mixed Emotions

Some things really will never change. I thought it has cos I had forgotten things long back. I thought it has cos I thought I lost myself. Foundation will never go.

I am happy that I am able to express myself as exactly as I was able to. I could tell this person, " You know what? Its easy to talk to you.. You don't irritate me or put me through things.. So its nice talking to u, as a change.. There is no compulsion to tell everything.. And can talk just anything. I like that." And the best part was, there were no questions. It was accepted and perfectly understood by that person without taking any unreasonable offense. I really liked it. Its after so long I got this type of company. Its a normal talk, and when it ends I'm still calm. It was like a light company, being completely ourselves, without any need to "act" to put each other at ease, or without any "act" to show things off and say 'I'm the only one' kind, or trying to show 'life's great!!' (Not that all the conversations with friends are like that, just that its not easy going, run out of topics and was like 'I pinged you, just like that' kind.) It was natural, none of all those things I talked about. The talk was all about simple, small things. All those nothings which do mean something. Like remembering all those small things about myself. I liked this even more. I so missed it.

I am happy I've not forgotten everything. I saw a picture of a place and every memory was fresh. It felt nice seeing that place after so long, it has all nice memories attached to it... It made me feel nostalgic. The want to touch it and breath in it again.

Thoughts are so uncontrolled that it scares me. Some thoughts really need a full stop. I don't know how to put that self control yet. It is very scary when I of all will question my own worth to myself. Its like I don't trust me anymore.

It is all mixed... Everything all at once.. Confused, scared, calm yet hyper, nostalgic...

There are no regrets. But still I do wish I could do things or decide on things much better, if given a chance...

But then if it wouldn't have had happened, I wouldn't have learnt.

Breathe!

I'm talking lot of absurd things!

Full stop!!

Bangalore

I never thought I'll be writing on this some day!

Every day I got up cursing her, and today I noticed her, and god, she is beautiful. Every time I traveled, there would be some music filling my ears, and my eyes would be shut, or looking down at the road. Few weeks back, I looked up.Today I actually saw her, and this time music was some background sound, and I got attached to her. She is awesome.

I learnt a lot here. I cursed, but still I learnt.

I came out of an illusion. Illusion called love. I must have forced myself to believe in it. And later I "thought" I felt it. She reminded me, and asked me, "What was it that you always believed in?"

I listened to someone, and went ahead. It had to fail. And for the first time I'm happy it failed! I'm free of my pact.

When in love, I was changed. My ideas where almost forced to change. I was "made" to believe in things I didn't. By made I was not forced, but made believe that those ideas ARE right. I forgot mine.

And then now I asked, "What was it that I always believed in?"

I know things will work fine now. I know what I really want. I know my challenges, and I know my goals.

Its not that I learnt nothing out of it. I learnt how to be ruthless. Its needed if I have to survive.

She made me see how far I can go to get what I really want. I just have to see how far I can push myself to get it. :) She made me really see how ambitious I can be. And I was myself surprised. I no more see a big "?" anymore.

Though I hated some of her "children". They would be interested in others lives than their own. It was irritating. I suffered cos of that. But then I saw, few select "typical" ones were like that. I met the best of people here too. And those who didn't even know me, were ready to help me. This is best here. People do help.

I wold get irritated initially when I wouldn't understand when her people would speak in Kannada. I would ask them to speak in English/Hindi. They would just smile and continue in Kannada. Now I know why. That is to make me learn. And some of them really help me out with it. If not speak, I can understand bits of it. :) That's the way some people indirectly try to help.

Her curly scripts I can't read all. I read it slow. But still I love trying to read it, and then read the English version below and smile when I'm correct. She makes me want to learn her script sometimes.

Then comes to calling it the garden city. I talked ruff about this part. It was cos I never saw up. Today I saw it and I fell in love with some areas. Say for example R T Nagar. I've come to love the colour green cos of her. Its lovely to see a tree on the side of the road, and some yellow flowers fallen around it. Looks gorgeous!

Only flaw is, its too polluted! Gives me a running nose! And another biggest flaw is smokers! There is no place where you wont find smokers! I can make an exception: Lalbagh! Its beautiful there!

The weather is so so awesome here that it makes her look even more beautiful and fresh. Especially after it has rained, and when it is still cloudy. Though the sunny sun burns my skin as if there is think ozone layer here!

I live in north Bangalore. I can go all the way down to south Bangalore alone. Myself. She made me confident. She has awesome bus service! :D I love her for that! (Though I'm still uncomfortable waiting in a crowded place :( )

She has made me love my own company again. I'm comfortable with myself now. I joined my college because I loved the peaceful air there, especially in the park. I can now go there and sit by my myself with a book in my favorite spot there. Its one particular bench, surrounded by trees. And some birds chirping with some soft breeze. And some monkeys jumping sometimes on the trees :D

I was unable to walk alone with the sound. I had to listen to music when I walk. Yesterday I could walk without any music. I walked with the sound of rain splattering on my umbrella.

I enjoy walking looking at the sky and her trees. Its lovely.

I'm falling so much in love with her, that I guess I'm getting attached to her. I might find it difficult to leave. Maybe I wont leave. :) She has taught me so much, and helped me build so much.

She's not so bad after all! All I had to do was, give her a chance. :)

A day in Mumbai

Its sticky hot here. But hey, my skin has never been so better! ;)

I'm surrounded by so many books and novels, I spend all day reading it. Surprisingly TV didn't attract me at all! And then yesterday was a great day!

But then I guess my cousin thought I need a break (I was stuck into my room with books all day, currently trying to read The Present by Spencer Johnson and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne) Jiju took me out. I was supposedly to go to D-Mart with him, but he surprisingly took me to PVR! And I saw Angels and Demons. Not my kinda movie though, but I enjoyed it. (I loved caramel popcorn for the first time :D) Effects were great and Tom Hanks is as usual good.

Then went around the mall. Man its huge! I didn't have that fun in Blore malls!
Came back home. Had lunch (though my stomach was half full with popcorn) and SLEPT!

Then in the evening we went out for a walk with Jiyu (My darling niece). Surprisingly it was cool in the evening. I asked to go outside the apartments. And guess where we went??

CROSSWORD! Man it was huge! (The mall had a even bigger Crossword) and I was stuck there. And the best part was, I could go and sit there and read till the shop closed. Some Ms. Basu is gonna come read her book today there.

And I found birthday present for myself there. (Which I'm gonna gift myself ;D) Its huge! and I was never so happy!!

I was dragged out of the store, cos it was past dinner time. I saw a thela wala. And guess what I had? Pani puri!! He made it so hot that my stomach was on fire! I had to ask that guy to make it bit sweet! I was so used to the non-pani puri I get in Bangalore! I had to have an ice cream by Naturals (they are better than Amul, I swear!) to cool my stomach.. But it was AWESOME!

Came back home. Made myself cosy in my room again (AC was on this time :D) with a book in my hand and had no idea when i drifted off to sleep.. A dreamless sleep.

And today, I got up with a smile on my lips!
What a place can do!

Japan

Its such a pretty place. Calm and beautiful. It is in my wish list to visit. Will definitely give a try to work there. Its so so pretty!!

This is Japan, my brother's view. Awesome!