Paused

There is no definite time to stop. There is no definite time to start. It is ok to pause if it really is an integral part. Time is change. Change is constant.

There will be contradictions. Like some now. If there are none for a long time, then there is no attachment. If it is difficult to take the step, just pause it for a while. While can be as long as self defines at different times.Time changes and change will always be constant. So will be the phases, the stupidity and the moods. :)
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Uncertain Bliss

If you really want something, and believe that you'll have it, you do get it. In its own time, yes. It is sorta difficult to explain how some of those things work, because I don't have any theory as such to convince myself. It worked, period. One phone call. Where the power was not in my hand, to call in that distant land, because of those strict rules to carry mobile in academy. It seemed dead, until that call. That familiar voice, brought an instant genuine smile. :)

I seem to have forgotten many memories. That was a want at one time. And that has worked too, for almost all memories. Which I don't like now. But that didn't matter then, you are anyways always there to remind me. I didn't want that moment to end. You said, it was a perfect closure to end a bland day. My happiness, and laughter, was enough for you and it made simple for me too. All that ends well... :) That was enough for me too. I had got one of the things that I had wanted.

Then there was want for more than what I wanted, for all those other wants. I was happy, but the after effects of wanting more was making me feel bland again. Greed? Always wanting more and more. Happy for an instant, then wanting more. It does last, happiness that is. But I wonder, what it will be like to be blissful for like really very long time? I don't want to give up my wants.

At times wants are blind. Blinded by stubbornness. Foolishly stubborn mind. Blind to the truth. Truth is bitter at times yes, and not wanting to face it yet because of stubborn mind is my big strong brick wall. The block. I want to break the wall, but I don't want to face rejection. The mind says, "I rather stick to what I want, than listen to that "truth" now." Not giving up yet, when it actually knows when to let go. There is a thin line between optimism and realism. That has to be clear in head.

At present, all that matters is I got one of  those many things I wanted. And I am happy because of that. A perfect closure.

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Snap

A moonlit night with shining stars

A light even when there is dark

A cool breeze singing a lullaby

Pulling the blanket close to her heart

Feeling the presence of the known

That’s how much she misses her heart

Listening to the long lost voice, soothing fear

Putting a smile on her lips as she hears

A long seen dream, now seems shattered

There’s hope in her heart, not yet broken

She wanted to hold on, while some asked her to let go

I wish she listen to her heart and fight even if alone

It’s a decision she has to make, and she alone

Is it worth fighting or not she has to choose

To unblock and embrace the new beginning

Or to stay back and fight, try and let her dream live

---..

Break

I wish I could break the crystals of my life. Break into millions of pieces. Then rebuild it again, choosing only what I want. But changing every time when something troubles is like running away. Till when will I run? Sometime or later I’m bound to get tired. Till when will I demolish and rebuild?

I wish I could break all the memories and my emotions.  Break into millions of pieces. And let it scatter away. Let it get blown away into nothingness with the wind. Going back to some memories and experience the emotions again is a torture. Why would I want that?

I wish I could break all the segments of fear, uncertainty and hope. Break into zillions of pieces. They do nothing but divert and distract. They do nothing but drain me off my energy when I can put it somewhere else. They do nothing but make me waste my time, take full control over me and inevitably fills me with expectations. It breaks me into pieces when they are not met. Why can’t I just believe? Isn’t that all that is required?

I wish I could break myself when I think of giving up. Giving up is like giving up on the challenges. Life is bland without challenges. What’s the point in living when the passion is dead, when the goal is forgotten and when worth is questioned, by self?

A Stranger and Me

A stranger, yet a friend. Every insignificant detail is known by that stranger. It is because I chose to tell ‘em. Yet that stranger somehow manages to know the exact character and puts it in one word, when I struggle to put it in sentences.

It is scary.

A tone is enough to understand by the stranger what I refuse to accept. It is said out loud by the stranger and I stubbornly refuse to admit. Reasons are given; it is pride that is talking.

The truth is: it is accepted, just that it is not said out loud. Pride you see... Here comes the act of ‘different’ pretending, “I’m strong.” Saying those things, sometimes integrates it in us I guess. Saying it out loud is self convincing. Helps sometimes.

There is this struggle of accepting the change. Something sudden new is not obviously warm heartedly welcome in some comfortable world. A mess. Some fights. But in the end, “I understand” is said. Perfect. No explanations. Ends the topic right there. Space is given right there. Friendship is resumed right then.

What surprises me is, this entire thing works with a stranger. But never did it work with some close anyones. Maybe that is how it is when there are no expectations...

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Solitude

  Sometimes there is this unknown desire to avoid everyone’s company still at the same time wanting one specific company. And ironically, the same is unknown too.  When decide to pick and call one, it’s just pushed away.

Sometimes there is this sudden desire to see; suddenly I become quiet and look at everyone, observe the surrounding. Just see. And then the same feeling of avoiding comes in. Wanting to stay in my dungeon again.

Sometimes there are some words bursting to come out; but what I hear is that soft guitar piece from a song. Those pieces are the words wanting to form into a poem unsuccessfully; resulting in sinking into “avoidance” mode; mode of wanting to be away from everything. I can’t take this as running away from things. Of that I’m sure.

I don’t have the patience to explain myself to people. I’ve given up on society. It doesn’t bother me. What irritates me is the questioning: “What happened? Why are you avoiding us?” I’m not doing it on purpose.  Some things should be understood. And sometimes, you should just give space.

Me acting like this is definitely making me realize I’m distancing myself from people, putting even more strains on relations. But then this all has made me see who really my friends are. They know the real me to an extent and even after me behaving like this and hurting them, they are still there for me whenever I call. At least they do understand. A silent understanding.

There is no point in this particular thought. It’s one of those moments when the bubbles just want to escape.

Just that I really don’t need to give explanations to people who understand me and have accepted how I am. (I guess I don't need to give explanations to anyone at all!) This is the beauty. Attachment. Understanding. Caring.  Some do know I distance myself wanting to be alone with my space, but then I do come back to them. Maybe I’m wrong. Only a few will know. Doesn’t matter anyway.

I need solitude. Sometimes there is this huge feeling of not seeing anyone’s face for few days, or even weeks. Not even talk. This is hard to understand why. It’s hard to understand by people that how a person can be alone!  I guess one who questions this, is not comfortable in one’s own company. Insecure or too bothered about people thinking of them to be a looser...

Again a silent blabbering.

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Whispers

I do not believe in the rituals. I do not believe in the prayers people sing out. Is that religious? I’m not exactly an atheist. I do subconsciously/consciously whisper soft prayers, asking for strength till the moment of pain passes. Asking to help the one I love dearly by giving them strength, asking to keep them safe. The prayer is not directed to a god or any god. It is a conversation with unknown. A bright light maybe... That is the image I have in mind. It sounds weird, but then this does happen when I’m down. I can’t help it. I’m only human.

I don’t mind going to temple when my parents take me. I close my eyes and sit. It is peaceful in some temples. Silent and calm. It is soothing to just sit and close my eyes, and for that moment no thoughts troubling me, letting peace fill me. I get this same feeling when I sit in a silent green park. I get the same feeling listening to a soft piano instrumental. A moment away from noise is all...

Maybe, this soft prayer to the light is a talk to self, admitting self has gone weak and it’s time to renew strengths. Or maybe it’s an inbuilt gesture of looking up to someone when unsure. Someone unknown I put my trust into when I’m unable to speak to none. Maybe it is that. 

That unknown knows everything already but still listens to my short request. I need not cry. That unknown will take care of me for change. That unknown and I share innocent love. A friend who is everything, plays every role. This is my imagination of my unknown when I whisper. That unknown is my light.

I don’t know what is spiritual, what is religious. All I know is I’m not ritual. There is some faith. There is maybe no god, but definitely a bright light.

Talk, but what?

Today: 27 Dec, 2009
11:20 PM
Sunday

Sometimes there is this great urge to talk to someone. Talk out everything that is there in my head (don’t mean complains, I’m sick and done with it).But when I try and see who do I want to talk to, there is this big blank person. There is no one in friends that I feel like talking to. But still, I want to talk to that blank.

I feel solace when I talk to myself later. But I’m not that blank. The feeling of solace when you talk out to someone is different than the solace with self. Sometimes self solace is better, but this case is different. Then I counter back, “Is it necessary?”

It is something I miss. And then I question, “Miss what? Bloody you have everything you want!” I feel like saying, “I miss you.” And then I reply, “Duh! You are talking to everyone. Anyone you want is near you!” Sometimes I just want to talk insignificant things, significant things and ask, “Is that ok?” “Is that ok if I’m not sure sometimes and ask you?” But then what things? It’s there in my head, but then again it’s like a wordless song.

It is a weird feeling I’ve been trying to decipher. It is all mixed. Along with all that, there is this mixed feeling to share out. Share out what, again I’ve to decipher. Sounds fun but very frustrating! There no more is a void. There is this comforting feeling of completeness, still this weird feeling. That is what is killing me!

I never had this urge to talk. Never was the need, I had me. I still have me, so what’s the problem? Plus I don’t even know what is that talk or what is it that I'm missing!

Void, blank whatever you call it! Unpleasant feeling! I don’t like it.

Mr/Ms blank!

Stubborn

Today: 13 December, 2009

Sunday

6:10 pm

There is something called as instincts/intuition I guess. I get it, I believe in it. I believe in it because it’s strong and I know it will happen. Sometimes I WANT it to happen. Sometimes is just a feeling. Maybe I feel it because I want it. Consciously or unconsciously I don’t know. All I know is its strong and that it has to happen, no matter what. And it usually does. Instincts/intuitions never go wrong right? It is like a child’s stubborn want.

The pain is horrible when it goes wrong or when it doesn’t work. It’s like all hopes were pinning on it, which is wrong, right? Self torture! What can I do? I’m only being a human.

The pain can be avoided by not being so arrogantly stubborn. But just can’t help it. A want is a tantrum placed on one self, on nature. However impossible it might seem, the want is stubborn. Not caring about the torture I’ll be placing on myself if and when I don’t get it. But the pleasure and the ecstasy I experience when it truly happens is worth taking the chances.

It is like a challenge. Sometimes like a losing battle. Still it is still there, the want. Hope. Belief in the instinct.

Ignoring is not always easy.

Sound like an overgrown child?

A Silent Goodbye

Life is a choice; to breathe or not to breathe,

What has the sun to do with it?

The source to use is lying right there,

What has the “right” time to do with it?

You live a call to a block away,

I call, asking you to be there.

Will you be able to save me, while I think of my worth?

I’ll kid about it and you’ll never know me.

Hand reaches towards it,

No spare time to regret.

Once action taken, deed is done

I’ve already erred to even think to go back.

Waiting for the time to pass, I call you up

Talking random; I tell you how much I love.

Those will be my last words before I go,

And that will be all of my silent goodbye.

Ego

I ignored it when my dad always told me, “You should know when to use your ego”. I ignored it because I thought I knew when to use it, until recently I realised that I didn’t know it at all.

I don’t know if there is some connection with ego and anger. In my case maybe ye yea there is. There was a thin line which I had crossed and ended up bringing down my dignity. Silence comes in great use during this time. Dignified.

I guess it’s another form of anger. The kind of ego I’m talking about that is. It had driven me insane. So insanely mad that I couldn’t see what I was doing. It was as if there was some thin ego membrane covering my eyes, preventing me from seeing the effect, then and later. Until I was told, “Your ego is satisfied, yes. But you hurt that person.” I don’t want that, obviously.

It has the same power as that of anger of destroying everything. Destroying the person consumed with that ego, destroying every sensitive thing around that person.

I’m learning. I might have permanently done some damages. I have apologized to those. I’ve no idea if I’m really forgiven. I didn’t wait that long for the answer.

But then I learnt:

There is a time to hold back

And a time to unleash

Be it whatever.

Decision

Sometimes I doubt my own decisions. Some decisions are taken without thinking, at the spur. Some decisions are taken cos it is strongly felt within me, without knowing the reason. But it comes out very strongly. Its as if for my own good. An weird feeling... As in if don't want then just don't want it. If wanted, its to be gained anyhow. But when taken on something very precious, its very difficult to let go of it. Very difficult.

Its as if I have to fight with my own heart and mind to change that unspoken decision. And believe me both are bloody stubborn! And its a long fight. Once it is persuaded to change its decision, its way too late. Everything is gone, and I get adjusted to it. But then its ok. This is life. Whatever happens, happens for good. Every one's good.

Nothing matters later. Just that you are left with yourself.

Pointless...

What am I blogging?? There was a time when I had so many things to talk about. Now nothing. Not even one philosophical thought! All I type is some whatever!!!
Hello??? Where are you??

Delimma

Why cant I have both things at a time?? Why choose this or that? What if I want the mixture of both the things? Or what if I want both the things?

I hate myself for having a heart when it comes to this situation! I hate having emotions in me. Those stupid hormones! I hate being a human! Everything is so complicated, with a simple solution : CHOOSE!

Animals get both this and that and they bloody dont even have to think!! They are better off!