The kind of day I'll like: Sunny, warm and bright. Very pleasant day. I could see yellow light scattered. (Yes, I dream in color). On a brown carriage which had convertible car sort of look, pulled by a white horse on a beautiful early morning in Paris. Beautiful. Passed by some river like water body. More than that, I could only remember the pale blue sky and the soft yellow light bouncing off my hair, bouncing off the water. Nice and warm weather.
I was away. Far far away from everyone. I enjoyed my independence and more than that my solitude. And that beautiful city of my imagination...
I missed watching Eiffel. :D
Watched it weeks back and I still cannot get the image out of my mind.
Beautiful and peaceful.
When we were young we knew exactly what we wanted. The more we grow it reduces, dilemma begins with more and more choices and we begin to believe when we were young we didn't know what we wanted. When we have actually almost forgotten what we wanted.
The more we see, lesser real it becomes. And then we rant that reality sucks.
---..
I was fascinated with the camera once I saw it. That one particular childhood dream flashed in front of me. I opened my box and realized how much I loved it and how much I wanted it again. Then started the pure want of having it, and not listening to no for an answer.
I didn’t have it then with me. And that was when I learnt most about it. I pursued it with the greatest interest and was highly enthusiastic about it. I almost knew everything about it, but its controlling. I pictured that camera in my hands in white background, and I totally loved it. Then I finally got what I wanted. I couldn’t control it yet. I wanted the manual. And once that was there in my hands, something in me just died down. I am enthusiastic about it once in a while when I find some object interesting which I can capture. But I still cannot completely control it. And that is probably not letting the entire enthusiasm drown. I don’t know what will happen once I completely learn to control it (Or I do). At present it just sits pretty on my shelf.
It was similar with people. I wanted, I pursued in a subtler way. I got it, I drifted. Unless something about them made me stay stable or probably I got comfortable. And the worst part was, once I got what I wanted, I almost didn’t want it when I got it. I don’t know if this is called as not appreciating what I get finally or what. It always was more intense when I was pursuing it, always more interesting when I was few steps away from getting it. Once I got it, it just was not that worth. And once I lost it, it was all the worth. Doing with things fine, doing with humans, it hurts them later. I know that, yet I can’t help being indifferent.
It was noticed before, acknowledged now. If this is the case, then I must never completely get what I want because there is no constant state. I want everything and everyone I like. And this acknowledgment finally is making me uneasy. Stable to unstable to trying to be stable again. I guess it always will have to be like that for me. That is what will keep things alive and worth pursuing.
At present instability is the change of air (again), which I’ll try to make comfortable again by learning few more things. And the cycle will go on. I guess. I've no idea if this is that bad.
I sorta envy those who get what they want and still stay passionate about it once the pursuit is over.
It was a struggle. It was a group of three: Me, You and Someone. The struggle was to win, whatever it was. The plan was to split and take up different task, and bring it to an end. It was a physical and mental torture, sort of.
The steps were slippery. I did slip and fall flat on my face. But it was my fault; I was not careful. The fall taught me to be careful. I had to sit down for a while. Not because I was allowing the pain to take over, but because I needed to let it recede a bit and then climb again; can’t walk when head is dizzy right? It was a problem, and I decided to walk over it. No, I was not dodging it. That was its solution. It was slippery. What else does a person do when they slip and fall over wet granite stairs?
It was getting heavier. A knapsack. I had something that you needed. You asked for it, but told me to give it in a way no one notices. But it didn’t matter. I wanted to see you. The frown got to rest the moment I saw you.
I slung the sack on one shoulder. I started walking. You continue beside me, naturally. I tried to open the sack. But my knees buckled because of the weight. The sack fell open on the ground. A few passerbies walked on, throwing a glance back even as the distance grew.
I was back on my feet, exhaustion consuming me. I started wondering, “What is this game about? How come we are struggling when we are not clear about the game?” I broke the ice. I took your hand, placed your arm around my shoulder as if it’s my drape. The familiar scent. The familiar touch. My head resting on your shoulder. Your hold firm on my shoulders as we walked on. I could feel the exhaustion draining out and listen to my own deep breaths. My hands wrapped around your waist as I fell asleep on your shoulders, as if it is the most natural thing.
We stopped. I heard a voice. It was Someone. Someone was not in the group, I learnt late. Someone asked You, “Are you two a team as two different individuals, or one?” To which I heard your reply as I almost began to dream, “We are one, but still different individuals.” I liked the sound of we, I liked the sound of different. That’s when I fell in dreamless sleep.
I wish I can find out who You are. You are familiar. You are a friend. But still I have not seen You. It was peaceful with you. Secure. A sense of togetherness, a sense of belonging. An enormous feeling of pure love. A simple want to be with you.
And understanding that love is not a struggle. Love is not a game. Love is feeling. A deep affection. Love is You and Me. There never is a Someone. It is just You and Me.
In the dark alley while walking alone she is kidnapped by three psychopaths. Somewhere down the lane is her home. Waiting for her are some people.
9:50 am
Time goes by. Absence is felt. Three of them walk outside, in search of her. All three armed, one of them known to her, yet unknown.
On a ship, the night is still young; there she stood with her hands tied to an invisible string. Beads of sweat on her face make her captivators laugh with no grace.
The three barged in with a bang, making one of the three captivator place the gun at her forehead.
The saviours were quicker, shot all but the leader dead. The leader was the one pointing the barrel at her head.
Negotiation should have been tried, reduce darkness from both side. But the leader gave the impression that he has surrendered.
She walked behind, the leader right in front of her. The eldest of the saviour walked backwards, facing the leader, pointing the gun at his chest. The other two walked like a protective circle around her.
The leader showed no movement, the elder relaxed a bit. The leader was waiting for this chance and shot in his chest. The saviours in shock pumped bullets at him. He just turned around and shot his last bullet at her hoping to be fatal.
Something hit her head, she felt no pain. She went into shock as she watched the leader fall on his knees.
Felt something hot on her neck and on her arms. It was red she saw and fell on the ground. The survivors were now by her side calling her name, but she had already lost her sense to the outside world.
She closed her eyes asking, “Is this it?” She waited for the system to shut but she felt only peace. There was darkness, a short fear inside; she could feel life drain little by little as minutes passed by.
There was silence, but it still was “now”. “Shouldn’t I be dead”, she wondered, “but how is it still “now”?”
She had fallen on the ground, with her head cushioned on her arm and now she raised her head and looked around.
The survivors were still around in state of shock, they didn’t know what to do and how to call.
She smiled and placed her hands comfortingly on their shoulders. They should have turned but were indifferent to her presence.
A silent companion she thought she’ll be and sat beside them. She looked in the direction where they stared. One stared at her lover, other to a lovely dame. She walked towards her, found the dame to be herself and finally realized she is already dead.
I stand in front of a door, waiting for you to come out.
I travelled all the way from somewhere to just be with you. I flew on an aeroplane, trying to fix its broken wings. Holding its wings; not wanting to crash. Pieces still somehow fall apart and fall into my open hands. I land somehow, wounds somehow healed. Now I stand in front of a door, waiting for it to open and you to walk out.
I hallucinate waiting for you. I see your smiling lips, your twinkling eyes, telling me to hold on. I wait and the doors open. I see you step out. The grasses have grown. The blades are golden. I’ve been standing so long, I fear walking into dust. You pause and smile at me. You look at me, and take a step forward; I stand still, still afraid to move.
You outstretch your hands, asking me to come to you. I take a tiny step, you smile. The music plays. Piano. The music I always related to you. You hold my hand; we walk together into the fields of gold. Longest golden blades of grass ever seen. Little green blades sprouting besides them. You dance, asking me to join you. You lead, I stand watching you.
There is no sign of distance in your eyes. Why am I feeling it then? I stand looking at you. Was it the time?
My eyes are distant. My thoughts are distant. You become distant. You start disappearing. But I had just found you. You had held my hand, I had let it go. I stretch my arms, not wanting you to go. How simple are you?
It was love that had attached us, not the time. What has time spent apart, waiting, to do with love? I had made a vow, never to do the same again. Love grows in time. Love is infinite.
You turn back. Same smile, same twinkle that had made my heart quiver. It quivers again. I see following your lead in the dance. I see you there.
When you turn around and are about to hold my outstretched hands, my dream breaks yet again.
I've read that, you dream what you desire the most (what your subconscious mind wants) or you dream of something which you've been thinking for a long long time. Or usually you dream of the same thing what you've been thinking all the while before you go off to sleep.. (one of the many possibilities) And when you dream of what you so longed for, you kinda feel relaxed the next morning. Relaxed after a hell long time of being depressed.. At least that gives some freshness... Even if for few hours, it works wonders. And in those special hours, there will be no anxiety, no hopelessness feeling, no lifelessness feeling, no whatsoever negative feelings and are able to concentrate.. Priority will be reset to the ones which require the no.1 position in the list (which was pushed to no. last when depressed, without wanting that).. Everything seems really clear, and that crazy feeling of "Am I going mad?" A really great change!
It was just the right day. The egg cracked and out came a li'l birdy. It saw a bright and sunny day. All it could experience was happiness. It was ready to grow into a bird.
The days passed by and it grew. It grew into a pretty one. It started seeing the world beyond being sunny and bright. He could understand more now. He started experiencing different emotions now. It was so new and disturbing that he started getting frustrated. It took time to get in control of the frustration. After all, one does adopt according to the changing situation.
But then, there's limit to everything. And his cup of limit was about to overflow, when he thought, "I'm a bird. Ain't I supposed to be free?" Birds do leave their nests eventually. He noticed his wings. He flapped it. And there, he flew away to find some meaning to his life. He also realized, something was eating him up mentally too. And that its high time he stop running after happiness. So, away he flew from all the strings and control, he was free. Free mentally and free as an individual.
LD externals tomorrow... Feeling so so sleepy that I thought I'll note some things to drive the sleep away... So Lets see... (There's no particular "Number 1" in my list though.. ;) )
Marry a chef of a famous 5 stared hotel!! (If he's qualified in something else, will be great too!! If Akshay Kumar kinda body and face then awesome!!)
Own a sleek black coloured luxury car, the one whose top can be opened...
Get into some crime branch, using my whatever learned CS skills
Try and be like Susan Fletcher (Digital Fortress : A great decoder!!)
Get married on a beach, wearing a lovely flowing white gown
Try wearing heels and walk in them, and wear typical girl jewelries
Try being in salwar for one whole week ;)
Learn to cook great food without referring the cook book (but if 1. is satisfied, why bother?)
Stand on a busy highway when the weather is all cloudy and just be able to stare at the road.
Enjoy a walk in the rain
Jump in the poodles on the road (aftermath effect of the rains)
Own a latest bose system, and gift one to papa too.
Learn to drive a car, and go for a loong drive, first all alone on an empty highway (early morns), then with parents... on a sexy cloudy weather again..
Learn how to grow nails and shape them.
Learn salsa
Learn how to play a guitar, violin and a piano. And play Sajni on guitar after I learn how to play it.
Meet Mr. A P J Kalam! Somehow! Anyhow!
Sleep in the garden of my own house, staring at the starts with my "woh" :D
Walk on beach everyday... (doggie ya fir "woh" bhi chalega)
Sometimes the urge to cut off from the world is so so huge, that I cannot control my eyes shutting everything out. And then there... I see a new world... A world of my own. Me is the creator of that world.. I can do whatever I want to then. Make it look so perfect that anyone in it will never dream of coming out of it.
I can change the outside (real world's) sunny weather to a sexy cloudy weather (in my world). I can go zoooooom from Blore to any other place in this world. I can bring any person I long to meet. I can talk endlessly to that person without bothering about any other duty at that present. Because I've paused the time, but the moment goes on. Its like the wind blows but the leaves refuse to fall.
I can make it so perfect. I can make flowers grow on a barren land and make it snow where it never ever had snowed. I can remove all the "viruses" (read:politicians) and make the air all healthy... I can do so many things! Heck I really can!
