A desperate change

Sometimes things get so out of control that there is strong subconscious craving for a change. A snap, with no consultation from the rational mind, decision is taken to bring a change. Screaming out, "If you can do it, so can I". This is probably, no most of the time, out of discomfort of reality not going in parallel with expectations.So, to make it work something has to be done. Anything when there is some amount of stalking obsession.

Change in personality by trying to integrate small part of many somebody's personality, probably to please (or get attention) someone by assumptions. It feels great for sometime. In the end, it is a self deception, and end up losing a person which is self.
---..

Rambles

Do not understand the reason of pretense over anything, say: not wanting some things. Yelling it out loud and making yourself believe by making others believe that this is not what you want, but secretly wanting it. This probably happens when you misunderstand the rules of signs. I don't understand them anyways, so I supposedly assume them. Assumptions are wrong because of over analyzing, then get disappointed, become a cynic and then all that pretense.

Not sure about the new directions, because it means change. And that means moving out of comfort zone. For that need to let go.

Sometimes wish innocence is never lost, once it is lost probably all the simplicity is gone. But if it is never lost, there will be no understanding. And the mistakes will probably keep on repeating. I've no idea what I'm blabbering anyways.

Wish for a retrograde amnesia of about 5 years of my life. And if I get a chance, redo it again in a different way.
---..

And it gets stupider

How do I know what I really want when I'm made believe that that is not what I want? It is that image that is making me want that, the most common parrot answer. Surprises me. They supposedly know what I want, more than  me.And I wonder if they know what they want..

Be it for better or for worst,  I will still want to take the plunge.
---..

Intuitions

Damn those intuitions! Especially when they actually come true. And when they are right, it sometimes freaks me out. Not every time feel bloated by that. Beginning to believe that they are subtle form of desperate wishes.

Some of those intuitions are so strong that, it is difficult to comprehend if it really is an intuition or a "desperate" wish. At that time, no matter what it is, there is this complete confidence that it IS going to happen. Doubts do creep in now and then when it is a long term feelings. Obviously

Anyways, dammit too!
---..

Bigger Deception

People I thought are my 'good friends' turned out to be even more big suck ups! Few turned out to be desperados. (I miss my Desparado  :( ) And I can't believe I thought I'm nothing and tried and come up to one of their "levels". And "their" is only one species here though. What have I done! (Dramatic ain't it? :P)

Of all friends left with one, who seems very real. Keeps me grounded and real too.

This is a BIG disappointment.
---..

Deception

Phonies really are depressing. Not that it should matter to me, but then I'm left with no one to have a good conversation with but myself on this wall. Getting tired of using simple words, probably because I don't want anyone to understand it anymore. But then again I'm bad at writing in a crypt-ed way.

They put up a smart conversation, or start one. Catches my interest, I think it is a break from those dumb boring monotone talk, I participate, and there comes the next line uttered by them which proves that they are complete phonies and real idiots. Strong word I used, but then they are. Just trying to show off. You can make it out from their words. If not show off, they use that stupidest line of giving it up to "fate" or as you interpret it types when I am saying already what I'm interpreting it as.

Another never getting tired talks are those relationship talks they talk. I'm not interested in their personal lives, now I'm not because I've grown sick of it and anyways depresses me listening to their gooey love stories. I never understood how a person can be with one for so long without getting bored of each other. To prove that to me they do those talks, almost persuade me that it works when I see it strong for few years and then it anyways ends, making me even more cynical. Last one didn't last so the reason given is: "You'll find something much better the next time!" or "It was an immature relationship" or "You deserve much better"  and such bull-craps. And then get into another one, give the same damned reason when it ends too. Every time it is immature. I'm now beginning to wonder what exactly is a "mature" relationship, because every time it ends it is tagged immature. Anyways that has put me off. Made me feel wasted.

Getting averse to conversation because of all this. Sometimes I wonder if I had turned into one of them at one particular point. Phonies. No one to talk back on theories or some worth talking thoughts, or get to listen to something new so that I can start thinking in a different way. Because of the void there is this decay because of stagnancy of same line of  thoughts. When I do get it, there is BIG time constraints.

There is so much more but then I've lost interest because of deceptions and because it really won't make a difference. Some things which were beautiful and important to me were tagged as something crappy and insignificant which made me feel even more depressed. So best is to ignore and pretend to make them feel they are smart.

Probably all my decisions weren't right. Now that they are taken, I am in no mood to undo it even if I wanted to.

I'm so bored of this while writing itself that I feel all this is even more crappy, including the post.
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Self Reminders

Should be careful what you wish for. If pursued consciously or subconsciously there is equal probability of it becoming true. And that is what you might not want, might be made out of some emotion.

Just appreciate whatever someone close does for you, weather you like it or not. Just do it, there is no harm. It is easy to flick it off, but difficult to pretend that it didn't matter that it hurt them. When it is done out of love, just accept it.

If bottling and sealing up helps, don't listen to others. They weren't listening to you either when you said this.
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Pretenses

Thought it is tiring, and it is. But the worst part is believing you are not  pretending, being totally confident about it and then again realizing many hours later that, it was a pretense again. Dammit!
---..

Understanding Silence

To understand silence I realized I need to accept and forgive. Stick to it and not turn back, ever. And finally understand that, the acceptance is with self. And forgive myself for my tongue.

Pushing myself  aggressively to get something which I am consciously and subconsciously rejecting is never going to work. Doing that is only going to frustrate me more. The pressure is only from self. And there is no one else. This is somehow beautiful.

Life has just begun. There is a plan and there is a passion to do it if not with anything else. The plan is to explore and open up. Being a cynic was not by choice and it is not cool. It killed the music in me and the trust. There is nothing wrong with anything as long as I like it and comfortable with it. Some pick on it, because probably they themselves are not in tune with themselves and have turned into a cynic. Pointing out and trying to make fun of it and make it look small, will probably assure them more that cynic is right. Cynical mind rejects everything saying it has to survive. Its  a coward to accept the change.

The guitar strings are beautiful and so is your mind. Cynic blocked me from seeing it. You come and go, and probably this is the last time I will see you. But I now understand that I need to stop doing what I did till now. And I really hope it doesn't go away with you.

One thing I'm proud about is, I was never immature in my big decisions. All the steps I had taken, with or without someone, it may seem immature to them, never was for me. As we grow, mind grows. And if it turns into a cynic, or ideas change, they will call it immature. I won't. Because I know, at that point, whatever the phase was not immature. I was in my sane mind when I had stepped into it.

Once there is a plan, and even if I can see as far as the car's headlight shines I won't back out or push myself into seeing what is there even if I cannot. After all, this is what baby steps were. My baby steps. I guess this is how I'll slowly find out what I want. I knew what I wanted, and doubts shook it off from balance. This time, no room for that.

A warm sunshine. This is how it is going to be. And this is how it will be. It is never too late for anything. For realizing, some times probably yes. But still never too late. And with this there is this light silence. The ability to sit with zero thoughts, is what meditation? :)

Beauty of human mind.
---..

Movie Wishes

Wish life had movie like ending. You know where you finally realize who/what you are and what you want. And what you really love. And a bonus, brownie point with that, a happy ending.
Wish fiction was as real as reality.
---..

Silly Why's

 Why is it that we want things we cannot have? The more difficult, more the desire of having it. Why only those things?

Why can't we stick with the belief that we can be totally independent? Why the, you never know when  you'll need someone statement?

Why the doubts? Self given reasons aren't enough?

Why manipulate yourself or your mood for others? Don't you then cease to exist as yourself?

Why is no so hard to digest even when you say you didn't expect anything out of it? How does hope creep in even when you turn into a complete cynic?

Why is that when you need to be very serious, mind distracts you with thoughts which should never be touched again?

Why the uncertainties?

Why is it so difficult to understand what you actually want?

Why is it so difficult to reach a semi final conclusion of understanding what you are?

Why is it so difficult to talk again to a person who was close to you but you now started disliking? Why so difficult to forgive then? Gives the ultimate kiddish feeling.

Why cannot pride and ego be important at "times"?

And why to answer everyone's why?
---..

Confused(?) Pondering

How do I know if I'm in love with the person or in love with the idea of the person? Or is it just the comfort?
Probably I just took one step back. (?)

---..

Missing Ms. Jane

Wake up, wake up. Closing your eyes to everything won't make it less real. Blocking everything away won't make it disappear. Looking away from it won't make it invisible.

Whatever happened to "you"?

---..

Steps

There is this small bubble of happiness when I feel I learnt something. Then I learn something much more about it and then, I have to take a step back to "I still know nothing". There is so much about it that, that little something is equivalent to nothing. Basics is not satisfying. Here, the best part is, I can take a step back with a feeling of still so much more to learn. When that is there, it is still new.

And then there are some steps which once taken, I can never take a step back. It is like once that emotion is felt, I cannot go back to the feeling it for the "first time". The innocence is gone, and there is perfect understanding of some things. Here, the best part is, I can take steps ahead, walk on and find something new.And probably better.

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On reactions

There is a perfect conscious understanding to some conditions. Once it is attained, some sudden situation/instance shouldn't be affecting a mood, right? It is totally unacceptable. And then calling that reason idiopathic because there is pretense of denial, pretense of not knowing, when there is perfect understanding and knowledge of the cause.

Whatever it is that affects, can cause such bad breakdown of the system that one perfect solution is attained by the end of the quiet night. And it works till the next evening. Twilight kills it. Same solution is attained again, this time it will last for few weeks. And the cycle goes on.

The ultimate solution to end all that disturbing reactions is to kill the whole root, stay firm on the detachment theory, and never ever look back. All this done after putting up a last fight.

Anything to get peace of mind in peaceful way.
---..

Wish

Just wish some things never EVER happened. I hope this doesn't come in regretting. Because it is not that. Just don't like the consequences.

Can someone please invent time machine? And fast!
---..

Paused

There is no definite time to stop. There is no definite time to start. It is ok to pause if it really is an integral part. Time is change. Change is constant.

There will be contradictions. Like some now. If there are none for a long time, then there is no attachment. If it is difficult to take the step, just pause it for a while. While can be as long as self defines at different times.Time changes and change will always be constant. So will be the phases, the stupidity and the moods. :)
---..

Full stop

In an attempt to preserve the memories of the 'moment', I penned it down. A mistake.

As soon as I finished writing it, it left me that instant. The sweet feeling when thought about it was not there anymore. It didn't have the lullaby effect when I was unable to sleep and thought about it.

I read that again say months later, I probably wouldn't be having a clue about what I'm talking about there. This phase of no specifics will make the then me want to kill the now me. Or probably feel happy that it is forgotten. I don't know.

I don't like it though. I wouldn't want to say that I'm scared that I wouldn't remember these things years later. That is exactly that probably. But what the hey, I prefer the goosebumps and the smiles stay when I think of it. Being on mind sounds better than on paper or blog. It can fade, it can stay.

Writing stops.
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No Return.

Its a beautiful feeling, doing what you feel like, at that very moment; not days later. That has stronger feeling of euphoria than doing it days later. Pleasure is the only thing that matters. Happiness. Even if it is having that one flavor of ice cream from that one particular brand only. Going all the way down there to have that. Call it being crazy. (though there was other work too :D)

And getting what you strongly wanted. Sometimes, when it is right front of you (what you strongly wanted), shrieking in  your face, you forget for a moment that this is what you wanted. You doubt it, and then decide against it and walk past it. Then you suddenly realize what you did, and run back again to get it. And sticking to what you wanted and having it, is another beautiful feeling.

I now wonder, how many such things I missed because I wasn't attentive enough. Cannot undo. All it matters is, I didn't do it again this time. And that is a wonderful feeling.


The main thing is, knowing what you exactly want, pursuing it, and sticking to it. Sticking, probably optional, who knows what it will be when time changes.
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The Geeky Boy Gentleman

When it comes to a person, I decided not to put a full stop about them anymore. I love the way when something unknown and unexpected part of a person is suddenly revealed.. Like a surprise. It gave me the feeling that, I really don't know that person yet and still there is so much to discover. And honestly, it is best when it is kept that way. Let me discover the unsaid, hidden nature.

Its like, "I show one face to the world when I am really something else". Like abstraction. What looks poker, is actually highly animated. What looks sober, is at times total opposite of it. And when that one streak is discovered, it is amazing.

Today was the day of subtle craziness. Walking out of a "window" from the first floor on the cranky ramp. The best part was, it was known about my infamous accidental nature, still I was allowed to walk down at my own pace. I was trusted and not treated like a kid. For a moment I felt like a princess walking down the broken staircase (the way they were looking at me :P) The geek, took a step forward, just to give me his hand, in case I slipped. No one wanted a cracked bloody skull. This was the best part of my day today. And I found one more piece of my 'want' puzzle. 

Lets be crazy and not overly protective. But give me your hand when I am about to fall. Don't treat me like a baby. Let us be you and me. Let me not say everything, or you. Lets just find out. Simple.

At first, the "hits" on my head were to irritate me. And it slowly transformed to sorta a pat on my head every time bye was said.

And the gentleman will be bloating in an ungentlemanly manner now. :P

Thanks to you, I remembered suddenly changing our plans and driving to a "secret place", climbing up a wall there with my best friend, just to sit and watch the sun set, silently. :)
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To the New Beginnings

There will be fluctuations. But in the end, need to remember the main reason which lead me to take the the decision and stay firm. Once decided, remember not to look back as long as it is not taken in rage. I believe in something, that cannot change because of one weak thought. And there, I’m strong again. :)

Embracing all the new beginnings. They always bring something wonderful.

---..

My Li'l Book Said...

"We are happy in the pursuit of success. But having got there, we find that all the fun was in the climbing."

Today's page said it all what I was struggling to say few days back, trying to find the right words. And it decided to show those lines today.

Fun dies when pursuit ends. :) 
---..

Freedom, is it finally?

I expect nothing now, I am devoid of it. 
I hope on nothing specific, I have nothing to ask.
I depend on nothing, there never was a need.
I belong only to me, totally responsible for my steps. 
I listen to me, my perception is right when it comes to my life, I know it better. 
There is nothing to cry about, there is some peace though ripples exist.
The ripples are light, which doesn't let me get comfortable. There is life, when there are some ripples.

Am I free, finally?
---..

Camera Dreams

I was fascinated with the camera once I saw it. That one particular childhood dream flashed in front of me. I opened my box and realized how much I loved it and how much I wanted it again. Then started the pure want of having it, and not listening to no for an answer.

I didn’t have it then with me. And that was when I learnt most about it. I pursued it with the greatest interest and was highly enthusiastic about it. I almost knew everything about it, but its controlling. I pictured that camera in my hands in white background, and I totally loved it. Then I finally got what I wanted. I couldn’t control it yet. I wanted the manual. And once that was there in my hands, something in me just died down. I am enthusiastic about it once in a while when I find some object interesting which I can capture. But I still cannot completely control it. And that is probably not letting the entire enthusiasm drown. I don’t know what will happen once I completely learn to control it (Or I do). At present it just sits pretty on my shelf.

It was similar with people. I wanted, I pursued in a subtler way. I got it, I drifted. Unless something about them made me stay stable or probably I got comfortable. And the worst part was, once I got what I wanted, I almost didn’t want it when I got it. I don’t know if this is called as not appreciating what I get finally or what. It always was more intense when I was pursuing it, always more interesting when I was few steps away from getting it. Once I got it, it just was not that worth. And once I lost it, it was all the worth. Doing with things fine, doing with humans, it hurts them later. I know that, yet I can’t help being indifferent.

It was noticed before, acknowledged now. If this is the case, then I must never completely get what I want because there is no constant state. I want everything and everyone I like. And this acknowledgment finally is making me uneasy. Stable to unstable to trying to be stable again. I guess it always will have to be like that for me. That is what will keep things alive and worth pursuing.

At present instability is the change of air (again), which I’ll try to make comfortable again by learning few more things. And the cycle will go on. I guess. I've no idea if this is that bad.

I sorta envy those who get what they want and still stay passionate about it once the pursuit is over.

---..

Rage

When it fails real bad on  face, nothing else matters but one thing: my  patience, my time and my pride. It all looks like a bad joke. Pathetic mind games. It makes me hate reality. There is no denial, just plain anger. Simply because my ego, my pride is hurt. And when that happens I'm blind to everything. Huge steel walls stand up and there will be no forgiveness. At least till the anger mellows down.

That stage when I say I give up, it is not because I think I cannot do it anymore, it will be because I do not want to try anymore. There will be some hate sort of thing growing inside which will make me not want to do it anymore. A silent way of yelling "enough". A way of letting go. It couldn't be done in sane state of mind, insanity did it. And best thing about that insanity is there is no emotional attachment. Once that is broken, nothing matters at all. Detachment simplifies everything.

My conclusion, there should be no heart. Because once the sanity comes back, it will want to get back again all because the "emotions" will be back in its right place, again. Feels so wrong now. I guess, insanity makes me think clearer. Only thing is, the decision I take in this strong state, shouldn't be broken in rush of emotions. What I do now, is definitely best for me. That the second mind should understand. And by the end of this, I don't want the insanity to drain fast, which might as well.

Quoting Wilde in completely different sense, "Realism makes people ugly."  Or probably see how really ugly they are. 
---..

The types :D

There are simply two types of people:
 1. The dig deep,analyze everything, talk philosophy, share poems, talk medieval and science and such stuff. I enjoy that! There is bonding, and that is one thing.
2. The have fun people. Everything is simple and direct for them. To hell with analyze else types, let me just enjoy types. And that company is a pleasant change for me! 

What surprised me was, I am both of them. And I can be whoever when ever I want to be. And I enjoy being both of them! Silent to hyper happy.And that's when I realized, I'm really very happy. "Enjoy life. It is perfect." I didn't expect to come out from me. It is perfect. :) It was someone's gyan given in a cruder way, which I gave back it seems :P

It is perfect. :)
---..

Obsession: "Truth"

It's been one of the most important thing for me since few weeks now. Me and my obsession for truth. There are some truths I don't want to listen to, even when I probably might know what the truth is. I say probably, because that is my assumption. I'm too sissy to face the truth.

Truth sets you free. It does. I do want that. To get to know that, and get over with it. If it is horrible truth, it will hurt. It might shatter me and send me in denial again. But I know me, and that won't last for long. If it is horrible, what can I do? If there is nothing, I'll simply have to accept it. I cannot force anyone to feel or say something. Truth will at least keep things simple. This is this, and nothing more. Simple. It might kill some things(or I might), but then there is freedom. And that is all I want.

I want to tell the truth, but I can't, not using my voice. I want to tell the truth, and let it be known. I'm not scared of the horrible truth I might get to listen to in return. I have to tell this to my heart, "The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself." Once broken, can always be mended. But let it be a mystery now. Let me blur the lines of optimism and realism. Let me be ignorant of the "real" truth till I'm bit more stronger. But truth, I'll say that one day, and listen back some too.

For now, let be an untouched obsession.

---..

Uncertain Bliss

If you really want something, and believe that you'll have it, you do get it. In its own time, yes. It is sorta difficult to explain how some of those things work, because I don't have any theory as such to convince myself. It worked, period. One phone call. Where the power was not in my hand, to call in that distant land, because of those strict rules to carry mobile in academy. It seemed dead, until that call. That familiar voice, brought an instant genuine smile. :)

I seem to have forgotten many memories. That was a want at one time. And that has worked too, for almost all memories. Which I don't like now. But that didn't matter then, you are anyways always there to remind me. I didn't want that moment to end. You said, it was a perfect closure to end a bland day. My happiness, and laughter, was enough for you and it made simple for me too. All that ends well... :) That was enough for me too. I had got one of the things that I had wanted.

Then there was want for more than what I wanted, for all those other wants. I was happy, but the after effects of wanting more was making me feel bland again. Greed? Always wanting more and more. Happy for an instant, then wanting more. It does last, happiness that is. But I wonder, what it will be like to be blissful for like really very long time? I don't want to give up my wants.

At times wants are blind. Blinded by stubbornness. Foolishly stubborn mind. Blind to the truth. Truth is bitter at times yes, and not wanting to face it yet because of stubborn mind is my big strong brick wall. The block. I want to break the wall, but I don't want to face rejection. The mind says, "I rather stick to what I want, than listen to that "truth" now." Not giving up yet, when it actually knows when to let go. There is a thin line between optimism and realism. That has to be clear in head.

At present, all that matters is I got one of  those many things I wanted. And I am happy because of that. A perfect closure.

---..

Stupidity?

Whining on something that you want bad. You want it and you want it somehow. Finally, suddenly you start getting it. You are startled. You are happy, but you develop cold feet and start pushing that one thing you wanted away, in a subtle way. And when it is almost gone, you realize what you have done, and then feel bad. And almost wish it happens again hoping that the damage is not huge, so that you can act right this time. 

Makes me wonder is it sheer stupidity? Is it something we don't really want and are simply stubborn about having it? Or is it a bad reaction to a surprise of actually beginning to get what you wanted when almost thought of giving up on it? :D
---..

Fly

A bird he is, meant to be free, soar high in the air and fly. Took a long sweet shelter under the tree, when it rained all night. Morning came along with the rain, caged in home he sighed. The days went by, the leaves now dried, autumn it was not spring. The last leaf fell with a gentle sway, the sun shined bright in his eyes. Time flew by, he never realized he missed being up in air. Hopped on his feet looking at skies, “fly how should I?” he asked in vain.

Distant memories of flying with wind, high up with a merry song. Flapped his wing, which he thought he had forgotten was there in him all along.

You my dear bird, born with free soul, what have you seem to forgotten? A hasty end to a beautiful beginning, is that what you want?

Open your wings wide, flap them now, let all your fears fall aside. Take a deep breath, and fall in the air, let happiness fly with you this time.

Something I wrote for someone intentionally without that person asking me, many months back.

---..

Best walk home

I had one of the best walk back home today. It rained, and I walked back slowly, getting wet. Water dripping from my hair and me struggling to walk straight in those slippers. At one point I wished if I could share this walk with you. :)

One of those moments I wished never ended.

So happy. :)
---..

Random thought

And I learnt to keep ignoring things which depress me or provokes me. Not just things, it includes people. Naaah, actually, things here are only people. However much it may effect, ignore. After a while it recedes because I didn't give it any importance, at that moment. This is helping. (And I also learnt, the more I ignore when people talk provoking stuff, the more it frustrates them, and they do it even more to squeeze a reaction out of me. And when I reach to that understanding it highly amuses me, not even close to provoking. )

Finally listening to a dead person, "Live in the moment."  I cannot pretend, so I will try doing it without pretending, because I cannot get into his situation. Not that I want it now.

And probably stop worrying and say this to myself, there is no point worrying because I know it won't work, and even if it does, there is no point worrying on how to make it work.  Best it to just have an idea and at times just let it be and be in the moment. And quit thinking. :) 

"If you can change it, change it, else stop worrying about it."
---..

On Chances

If God does exist (which He does according to my convenience, so says papa), He should be ruthless to those who refuse to appreciate the second chances thrown at them. Its irritating when those chances really mean nothing and is wished that it was not given at all. Really infuriating. Whatever the mood, should learn to appreciate. I don't either. And that is even more frustrating.

What you want at one moment, shouldn't change within a day when you finally get it. What you accept and learn something in that moment, shouldn't change suddenly because the mood is sour. Words once thrown out wouldn't come back. I should think twice even before I form a sentence in my mind when insanely angry. I don't want any regrets.
---..

Crowd

Done being a cynic, sarcastic, stubborn, and what not. Want to put a full stop to it. Call it giving up or running away, I won't care. You not caring, is making me not care. Probably.

I dreamt I had run away taking dad's (MY) car, to some unknown place. There was this urge to get lost in a crowd. Get out of the car and walk on the road. Crowd because I suddenly wanted to feel small and unnoticed. Meaning: No questioning, no attachment, no expectation, that way complete freedom. A new place, new people.

Talk to strangers. Talk stuffs to them and listen to them talk back without knowing my background in anything. That way, I feel answers will not be biased, you know said just to make me feel fine types. I tried that once, when plugged to the wall. And I got some answers. I felt better. And there was no necessity to talk to them again later, or so I felt. 

I don't understand why is it that I feel this. If its want to run away from truth, or people or what. Its just that at times  more than known people, crowd feels more comforting. And this is coming from someone who totally hates crowd. 
I'm definitely weird :)


---..

More and More

Just when I thought I understood what EXACTLY it feels like when scared, I got the ultimate in my face slap, "Now, are you scared?" kinda incident. I still don't know if I can still say, "Now I know how it feels when I'm scared." :P

Made me realize, sometimes when I say, I've felt it or seen it, I really have much much more to feel and see. Always a little more than the last time, or exceedingly more. And also this that I can never finally totally conclude on certain things.

I love infinity :)
---..

A Midnight Conversation

With no reason, a spontaneous conversation.

 Me: When the mind gets tired of repetitive things, it tends to give up by giving into frustrations. I don’t know if this is right. Holding on to it is killing.

You: Giving into frustration. Didn’t get that.

Me: What happens when things don’t go right? Or don’t work the way you want it? You fight back, stay strong, right? When you stop fighting or give up on things, that is giving into frustration.

You: But sometimes isn’t it wiser to step back and give up fighting for a lost cause?

Me: But the mind is so stubborn. I don’t know what makes it not want to believe that it’s a lost cause. The thing called hope, a stubborn mind relies on it, not a normal one. Observe :)

You: If the mind has given up too? Then what? How much can you delude yourself, under the name of “hope”?

Me: That’s what. There are two minds. 1. The stubborn one. 2. The given up, tired one. The second one says, “You are deluded. Get over it already!” Somehow strong one appeals to me and the circle of frustration continues.

You: Yea well the third should exist, for telling the other two to get real and stop dwelling on things that have negligible impact on the bigger picture that is your life. :)

Me:  The third mind is created! Got a solution now. :) This again sounds subtly like giving up. Asking the first mind to shut up. Speaks a lot. :D It’s asking me, “Giving up on what you wanted. Isn’t this what made a fragment of your life?” Damn yaar, it never gives up!

You: Unnecessary, inconclusive backtalk is all the first mind can do. And the second mind is a weakling, defeated creature. Don’t like either. Loving the third one: smart, practical and highly sarcastic! Fragment will always be a fragment, however big. But will you throw away your whole life for it? I’m thinking along these terms.

Me:  3. The Cynic. Gives temporary relief, yea. Somehow first always comes back. I used to think, small fragments are as important as big chunks. They do add up to a picture. Just like mom is not completely dressed without her bindi.

You: The first one has to come back after a while, yea. But by then, it will have more mature things to hope for. The cynic teaches a lesson and experience to the hope, to emerge stronger. But would she give up dressing just because she cannot find the right bindi? For then, what would be more crucial?

Me: I’m loving the Cynic. He said, “Look at what you just said about the “li’l fragments”. Really, is everything that important to you?” I replied, “Only the ones that mean a lot to me.” Retorts back, “Oh really?” Yes, that is what I meant by this previous message. I love that Cynic. :) Somehow makes everything light. And everything seems rational. :)

You: The Cynic always questions, how many fragments are you gonna have in your life? Life is continuity. Just like a movie. All the scenes shot are not present in the final cut. You edit the unnecessary part to include only the important fragments, to give it an continuous flow.

Me:  Exactly! This is what he meant by “Oh really?” The cynic never explains re. He has his cynicism, one line, says it all. Shuts others mouth off. :D

You: The mind can be divided into a thousand parts to rationalize with itself. But what about the heart? How can you split that from everything to make sense?

Me: There is no heart here. It’s too emotional. It screws everything. And it cannot think. This is the cynic speaking. Man, I love him! Cleared my head.

You: Yes. But can the cynic take over the heart? Who is bigger?

Me: It has at present. It has tagged heart as dumb. “It cannot think rationally or logically!” Shut up you! But there is nothing as generous as heart.

You: Heart is bigger. It keeps all things close. The cynic eventually becomes the philosopher, the wise one. Only then it can keep up with the hope in the heart.

Me: Cynic overtaking: “It’s bigger yes. It complicates. It hesitates. It’s dumb. Very emotional. It frustrates you. Mute it for a while. You’ll feel better. Can decide better and faster. Listen to the wise one.”

See it was my heart talking about small fragments; cynic talked me out of it. You cannot fall for it after you dismissed it. It’s like confused, two minds. Listen to one.

You: Wow! That’s quite a convo to have at 12 30 in the night! :D

Me: I know. :D Interesting one too. :) Mind is shutting down now. Zhop aata! Udya continue karu.

You: Chalel. Good convo though. To be continued..

Good night.

--..

Lucky?

What can be more valuable than life? Love doesn’t even count there.

Thinking can stop. (Even though I will claim I wasn’t.) Total detachment of mind, is not that difficult. The importance of fraction of second, I learnt today.

I sure am damn lucky. There is still so much more to see. The aftermath of shock is indescribable.

All I could think in the end was that my list won’t be left undone. :)

---..

Detachment from attachment?

I made a friend of mine almost cry yesterday (yea, notorious me :P)
How?
It was a casually said statement on complete detachment after college ends. And I never knew she was so attached to me. And I am blind to others who might be attached to me. I never got attached. I refuse to attach.

Ruthless and mean. An unannounced departure with no specific promise of return. Very unceremonious, ungraceful way of getting recluse. Queries are unanswered, and "gracefully" welcomed with curses when arrive unannounced again. I can see they care. And it is beautiful that some understand this flaw of wanting to go away in me now and don't misunderstand it. Had bad history on it :P

It all must be a self protection mechanism. Darwin's theory of Survival of the Fittest. If you don't develop a strong immunity to a recurring problem, you'll succumb to it. That is the theory. And it stands true. Probably once hurt and misunderstood made me build a strong impermeable wall. I am seeing me first and I don't want me to be hurt, again.

Result: Detachment from attachment.
Simple and doesn't hurt.
And I know this is not healthy or good. I cannot be like this, "unstable" sorts, especially if I ever fall in love, again.(With this rate? yea right!) One burn was enough for me :P

My shadow

August 15, 2010
Sunday
Its 2:17 am. I'm wide awake. I walk in the dark to get a glass of water. I thought I saw something, a silhouette sort of, and I almost shrieked!

My own shadow scared me. It was the fridge light bouncing off me on a wall, forming an enlarged shadow, which I thought was not me at all. That is when I understood how it REALLY feels to be scared, or how it REALLY feels when scared. Its as if someone is squeezing your heart tight, and its rebelling by beating very fast.

This night, I didn't trust my own shadow, for I thought its someone else. How bad is this?
Mr. Hitler, was it you who said, "When you are in light, everything will follow you. But when you enter dark, even your own shadow will not follow you."? I'm beginning to agree more and more with you. :)

---..

Jump

I think I'm falling in love :)

At times I just want to jump into ultra professional world even if (probably) I'm not cut perfectly for it yet. Still it is amazing. Full of interesting people which I don't find in "regular" world now. Even though papa says everyone is interesting in their own way, still not everyone catches my attention. Once my attention is caught, the flow of conversation is amazing!

Talking about stuffs which both of us are passionate about. Interesting stuff, stuffs worth thinking about maybe small (or BIG :) ) philosophy, or psychology, or something on new technology, where knowledge is increasing, abundantly. It is a feeling of belonging. Mature company, which I've been yearning for months now. Where asking questions is not interpreted as being illiterate in stuffs and interpreted as want to learn more. No bullshit talks, no silly things, which I agree are required sometimes, cannot be serious all the time you see. But I enjoy sober at times too. At times gives the feeling of not wasting time.

There are friends who talk all this. And I enjoy conversations like that. 

All of a sudden I want to take this jump and meet more and more interesting people. I was scared of this world at first yes, but now I just want to dive in it! Just waiting to get out of meaninglessness. :)
---..

Everyone says, "It will be fine"

This has sort of started to irritate me now. "It will be fine." It has to be yes. But what is irritating me is the possibilities and the probabilities. Failing to understand what EXACTLY it is that I want. Failing to recognize what is right and wrong. And then I listen to the ghise pite dialogue, "There is nothing called as right or wrong." 

"Stay positive." Sometimes I wonder if this is similar to being in an illusion. Positive that it will be fine when its "probably" lost. Ignoring the other probabilities because the "right" or the "positive" one makes us feel fine. Its almost like running away from what actually is. Then again, how to know what actually is?

Trying to stay positive is like pretending to me. Pretending everything is going to work out just fine. Like lying to self. And I hate lying. (White lie is acceptable.) When I say this, it is tagged as you are "being negative" when all I say is I am being realistic. At times the lines blur so bad that I fail to see what is right there in front of me and end up feeling helpless.

It seems all messed up. What to believe in and what not to. It is ok I guess to feel scared sometimes. Maybe when they ask to "stay positive",  all they are saying is to "try" and stay happy. Pretending is so tiring and draining. Holds true for staying sad too. So there I get confused! Which one to choose? Whichever works the best for the moment and relieves.

I am different at different times with different people. Sometimes I become different because of some incident or probably because of some subconscious barrier. It used to make me wonder, who really I am. Then I reached a conclusion that I am all of them. I am all of them because I am not a lie at those moments. Pretending is tiring. So probably this is called as being myself. There is no specific one me, still it is me. I wish this was the case with the possibilities too. There are different possibilities, which vary at different times. Vary in different moods. Wish all the possibilities work in my favour, whatever it be. Hopeful? :D

At times I feel when people or I say, "I am trying to stay positive" what they are actually doing without realizing is turning away from the truth. "I am trying to stay positive" = "I don't want to listen to the truth" And saying, It will be fine. Or probably it is not. I can be very wrong. Maybe I'm very paranoid right now because of which probably I am not able to draw a clear line.

The only thing which works right for me right now is being myself. And not trying to be someone else for someone's eyes to see. Whatever gives relief. Controlling, in whichever way or method.

Everyone says, "You will be fine."
I say, "I know I will" instead of , "I hope so."

This is called as being positive eh? :)
---..

Unbounded

Don't bind me with your chains
Of clingy emotions and expectations,
I'm born free, not knowing you
I belong to me and only me
I listen to no orders, no advice
I give no one rights on me
I like to learn on my own and be free
I'm not dependent, I'm free
I expect nothing
I like to walk carefree
I am free to be just me.
There are no definitions, no boundaries
A simple unbounded me.
---..

Box of Childhood

There is this big Bilt copier cardboard box in front of me. It is filled with my old school texts and stuff, so I thought. Parents were asking me time and again to see what texts I need from it and what I should donate away. I didn't want to. I have this thing with keeping my old stuff too. The idea of donating in Sulliya made me really want to do it.

So there, I open my box. First thing I see is a translucent plastic file filled with papers. One of them was a simple hand written birthday scroll, other a very beautiful handmade birthday card. No one knew how much personally made stuff meant to me. I always thought they have put some of their energy in it to create something for me. And that I found beautiful.It didn't make me nostalgic, but it did manage to make me smile. It still holds now.

When I was putting my books back I saw a huge brown diary which I instantly recognized as my first ever diary. There were so many warnings on the first page. Surprisingly the warnings were written politely, requesting actually, but to show the fierceness "grr" was added at the end. I couldn't help laughing at the me then. I was such a kid. A cute one. I read my first entry. It was simple day in my life when I was 12. Small sentences, small grammatical errors, minor complains which were actually nothing at all. The way I put things in simplest way, "I don't like..." Period. No ifs and buts. Still it was funny to read it, "Mother scolded me today, and I didn't understand why. I was just playing on the computer!"  D

I might have not known what passion is then, maybe I couldn't actually name it when I was 12, I just thought it was "a craze" when I sort of grew out of it. Now when I look back, it was complete crazy passion. One diary separate for "Fight Against Crime", one separate for "My story" an attempt to write, another for, "Harry Potter" my hero back then aka Daniel Radcliffe (now me: really!!?!!). The craze was so insane that there were minute details I had copied and written, or pasted the articles I had found. I remembered how I would look for the articles, wait for parents to finish reading the paper, ask if they are done and snip snip snip. :) It was fun. I used to enjoy doing it too. Never EVER got bored of it, or postponed it. Would so totally get lost in it. I don't know how I grew out of it. It's still there, just it's way more complicated now I guess :P

I didn't even have the heart to throw away my painfully carefully and artfully made Genetics notes. I was so crazy about it. I still can't throw or give it away. I may not understand or remember the terms now, still, it has my passion and energy embedded in it. I cannot let it go. :) My English notebook and the silly assignments. The chemistry book which Mr. Sallauddin Uncle had given for my craze for Genetics (he hoped I'll get into biochem :D), Dr. Mundhada's parting book present on Genetics (Genome), it was widely known about my craze/passion. Even about me wanting to be a cop. My two small FBI badges reading: Agent Shenoy. I just couldn't let go of the dream of cop till now :D It was my fun world. World where I wanted this, and I was passionate about it. Whatever small thing. Its still there, just that its little difficult to figure out what I exactly want now. Now I want the bestest of the best and I want everything. I want to be everything. That is crazy. But hey, its still me :P

My slam books. I was surprised with the types of friends I had then. I mean, now I wouldn't even talk to half of their kinds. Or all of their kinds. I've grown so much. It was interesting. Comfort with one person meant that person was my best friend. That was so silly. Now it seems silly. I was a kid obviously. But I did know what I wanted. Exactly. :)

My favorite poem on smile, my MC script for teacher's day (cos I had loved the poem), it was interesting to go through it. So light and so wonderful. Maybe when I grow up more, and I look back at this day i.e today, I might be smiling even more, sharing all this with my guy. Introducing him to an interesting child in a much more interesting world of hers, locked to others. True her, shared only with a few.

And the most interesting thing is, she is still me.
---..

I want answers

I don't want religion. I don't want to understand what that religion is about to get peace. I can't let go of my cravings. I want both my cravings and my peace. I want everything.

I don't want religion. I want my answers. And I thought Buddhism has some. But he is asking me to let go of everything. Not done. There has to be other way. I don't know about rebirth. But yes, there is soul. It is not just a biological mechanism in me, us. There is something much more, something that is making me write this too.
---..

Perfection

It is a beautiful word. I find it at least. It’s like a misunderstood genius. Like Calvin.

Calvin has wonderful vocabulary for his age. He has smart wit and he has amazing imagination. I appreciate that in him. I appreciate the “misunderstood genius” in him. I don’t understand why people have to mock him. Why some people, I correct myself. He is a simple “man” with complicated tastes. That complicated tastes are just the best in everything. And best are perfect.

There is no harm or there is nothing wrong in looking up to someone and learning to be better. It is appreciable, the efforts they take to maintain perfection, however hard they seem. It has nothing to do with any state, or any channel. It is only you. If you believe in perfection, you’ll get it. You’ll want to have it. It will frustrate you, but you’ll still want it bad. There won’t be any defensive answers like “why do I need that?” or “It varies everywhere”. It can be simplest of thing, like for example pronunciation. How beautiful is this when BBC people, English people try and pronounce your name right and how sad when your own state channel, national channel cannot? If they can, why can’t us? If you see from my view, this is not a comparison exactly. What I’m trying to say is something else.

Not being ignorant. This is simplest way I can put it.

If you don’t care about the small things to be perfect, how can the other big things be? Small has a power too. Everything is built from scratch. Scratch is always small. And that small builds that big powerful thing; whatever it is. This is my point.

It all depends on your thinking. Instead of mocking, finding it scandalous, or even defending people who don’t even know you exist just listen to what that person in front of you is trying to say before you totally jump on him with millions of attack. There is at times much more than the mere simple words used. There is depth in simple words, you just need to listen, broaden your mind and accept that there are flaws which have to be erased to get perfection. Perfect means no flaws.

You won’t quieten him with crude remarks if you want flawlessness. You won’t obviously if you know and realize he is wise. He is wise, he has seen the world, and he has dealt with many people. He has abundant knowledge. He is sharing with you, take it. His hair didn’t go white just like that. He is the most brilliant man I’ve ever met. There is a guy similar to him. And he still has a long way to go. But the brilliant thing is he understood it already.

I have put things in plain words. I have long forgotten how to write beautifully; maybe because I found relief in being crude. Or maybe I’ve lost how to pen down my entire exact emotions, because it is perfectly understood by me and I’m in loss of words. It all sounds like some old grandmother’s story. When you listen to it carefully, there is beauty in it. There is depth. I say this, because I myself might find it weird if I read it many months later. Or maybe I might learn and understand more from my own words. Sometimes, some things need to be reminded. And these words will do that for me.

This is dedicated for my wise man. My father, who’s this beauty I couldn’t see well, till today.

---..

No haste only phase :P

Logically thinking, I chose well, because I chose both. I always had the choice. And when I can have both, why stop? I love both. How can I let any of them go?

It was some phase. I can always go anywhere anytime. If I threw away one of them, I couldn't have got it back.

Peace!

Happier!

---..

Choices

Might there not be a possibility that I was wrong? That I made a wrong choice, in haste?

There are periods of blank thoughts. Just blank. Numbly staring at the book, trying to love the codes, the signs. That’s the reason why I took it in the first place right? Then why so blank?

I want to compete, with one person. I want to build, like that person, like he’s almost my idol. But then why procrastinate? Why  so blank? The pen is ready in my hand, paper waiting to be used, book ready to be read, mind all interested, but why is the passion missing? Now when I see, I was trying to be him. Never me. I should have pleased me.

There is beauty in numbers, in secrets, in codes, in science. I love secrets and trying to decipher it. I love science. I love them all. I really do, then why am I not so alive?

Why is that I find beauty in rain? The sound of it makes me want to create, to paint my thoughts in words. However plain it might be, to me it is beautiful. I’m lost in it. I feel alive. I am writing, I am creating. I’m putting out me. I’m sharing me, in some small way. And I thought I was an introvert.

There is some kind of peace, a sense of belonging when I create. The sounds are not irritating. The thumping, the creaking, the shrieking all are silent, as if they don’t exist. All that exist is the music of colours and me. However simple, but it is the best to me. Because it is me. Different shades of colours, brushes, glitters, glue, papers and me.

I forgot how happy I used to be when I used to capture with the now ancient digital camera. Every sunset was unique; every cloud was beautiful and different, every lightning had different colour and sound, every wave calming, every shell pretty. My dream then and even now is to get a good camera. There were millions of pictures each attached with some memories. There were faces, flowers, insects, butterflies, clouds, sun, sea and its waves, rain and its smell. There was time for them. There was everything: happiness, contentment.

The blanks are filled with colourful pictures, words, shades when around them. There is steady hand, happy creating and putting out a part of me. Every experience had to be painted, thought over, learnt, understood. Every experience was beautiful. There was a want to be shared, to be heard. Just that.

A woman does want everything. But when you put a lock out of her face, and look into her eyes, “everything” was just to be heard and understood. All she wants is you.  She, me, her, all are happy doing what they love the most. Happy in our peace, in our passion. There is this childish heart, who would want you to see her art. Be it anything.

There is desire to read more, learn more, create more, observe more, understand more. Answer the questions. Quench the thirst of curiosity. Philosophy, psychiatry, poem, nature, science, everything.

All it matters is enjoying what you do. Doing what you love. Living in it, passionate about it. Content about it and want to put more to it. Confident about it and believing in it.



Now there is everything. I can do anything, whenever. There is everything, still something is missing.

Might there be a possibility that I chose in haste?

---..

Complexity

Define complex.

What makes a person simple or complex? Person who doesn’t question, and just enjoys is simple?

A person who questions to find answer is complex? The one who tries to understand the meaning of life and who refuses to plainly exist just for the sake, is that person complex? Who believes in purpose, reason and meaning is complex? Someone who believes in a philosophy, and holds on to it because maybe it is giving her relief at that moment, however insane it sounds to other is complex? Be it any kind of philosophy. There is understanding, some closeness to an answer, a feeling of discovery and then euphoria... the amazing feeling of euphoria. This is much more than happiness isn’t it? Wanting euphoria is complex?

The joy of competing, a push to extremes to win; which makes her life exciting. Accepting a challenge, which makes her feel alive, a feeling of “she’s on fire”. Alive with passion to do it, for the pure love of it. It can be any subject. Anything at all.

Refusing to acknowledge guilt, sacrifice as heroic sentiments. Not an act to be different. There is no need to be. Refusing it because she has learnt to place “I” first. Not ashamed in believing “I am almost perfect”. “Almost” because, there has to be a room for changes. Call her proud. She won’t mind. Ask her to fly low, she will refuse. You contradict her with arguments, she has stronger ones. Why should she fly low? She is not afraid of heights. Why do you have a problem in her believing she is perfect? If you have a problem, why are you wasting your time on her?  Stop wasting your time, stop giving smart remarks, it won’t affect her. She doesn’t need you to respect her. She doesn’t need your approval. She is proud of who she is. She loves the way she is. Stop wasting your time; else you’ll listen to sassy reply, “Don’t waste my time. I’ve other things to work on.” Or is it because you are afraid to believe you are perfect, hence the contradictions? Or is it too scandalous for you, because it sounded bold to you? Or is it just for the heck of it?

There is clarity. There is peace when there is clarity. There is satisfaction, stability. There is this urge to decode to understand. There is life. And so much more... More I try to use words, more it diminishes the beauty and the fire of the feeling.

All this is complex?

Define complex/complexity.

---..

Silent battle

At times it gets on my nerves. Me and my stubbornness. It is perfectly understood that it is not what is that important in life, when asked to describe. It is understood. The purpose is more important. It is secondary, if thought logically, rationally. Still I don’t understand why I’m being so annoyingly stubborn. When I see it not working, slipping out of my hands, it scares me. And I try and spend my energy on thinking how to make it work. “Letting it go” doesn’t seem to exist in my dictionary. Rather it is the stubbornness which doesn’t let it exist.

Mind can be easily distracted when future plans are laid out and immerses itself to work for it. What kills is the break. Break gives time for it to get distracted back to that “it”. And the outermost for loop is running again. And I again scare myself. The worst statement ever made is: I’m scared of myself. I just can’t make out if it is my mind that is controlling me or is it me controlling my mind.

Either way, it is just being stubborn. Either it is hesitant to the new beginning and being a block to self or it is just scared of starting over.

A want is a want it says. I have to have it. When I ask why, there is no answer. It just doesn’t answer. Or maybe I don’t want to listen to it. Two questions pop up in my mind when I ask why:

1.      Do you really love it?

2.      Or is it just the fear?

Why be stubborn on that fish, when there are millions of other fishes? Again, no answer. The two questions pop again. But no answer.

Listen to your mind, “philosophers” said. Listen to it, and later you get peace. The mind will be quieter. There will be long gaps slowly. Hello!! Is it that what I want right now? I’m done listening. I want action. I need to see it work. Somehow, anyhow. A want is a want. I have to have it.

Again I ask why?

1.      Is it really love?

2.      Or is it just the fear?

All I need is an answer.

---..