To the New Beginnings

There will be fluctuations. But in the end, need to remember the main reason which lead me to take the the decision and stay firm. Once decided, remember not to look back as long as it is not taken in rage. I believe in something, that cannot change because of one weak thought. And there, I’m strong again. :)

Embracing all the new beginnings. They always bring something wonderful.

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My Li'l Book Said...

"We are happy in the pursuit of success. But having got there, we find that all the fun was in the climbing."

Today's page said it all what I was struggling to say few days back, trying to find the right words. And it decided to show those lines today.

Fun dies when pursuit ends. :) 
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Freedom, is it finally?

I expect nothing now, I am devoid of it. 
I hope on nothing specific, I have nothing to ask.
I depend on nothing, there never was a need.
I belong only to me, totally responsible for my steps. 
I listen to me, my perception is right when it comes to my life, I know it better. 
There is nothing to cry about, there is some peace though ripples exist.
The ripples are light, which doesn't let me get comfortable. There is life, when there are some ripples.

Am I free, finally?
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Camera Dreams

I was fascinated with the camera once I saw it. That one particular childhood dream flashed in front of me. I opened my box and realized how much I loved it and how much I wanted it again. Then started the pure want of having it, and not listening to no for an answer.

I didn’t have it then with me. And that was when I learnt most about it. I pursued it with the greatest interest and was highly enthusiastic about it. I almost knew everything about it, but its controlling. I pictured that camera in my hands in white background, and I totally loved it. Then I finally got what I wanted. I couldn’t control it yet. I wanted the manual. And once that was there in my hands, something in me just died down. I am enthusiastic about it once in a while when I find some object interesting which I can capture. But I still cannot completely control it. And that is probably not letting the entire enthusiasm drown. I don’t know what will happen once I completely learn to control it (Or I do). At present it just sits pretty on my shelf.

It was similar with people. I wanted, I pursued in a subtler way. I got it, I drifted. Unless something about them made me stay stable or probably I got comfortable. And the worst part was, once I got what I wanted, I almost didn’t want it when I got it. I don’t know if this is called as not appreciating what I get finally or what. It always was more intense when I was pursuing it, always more interesting when I was few steps away from getting it. Once I got it, it just was not that worth. And once I lost it, it was all the worth. Doing with things fine, doing with humans, it hurts them later. I know that, yet I can’t help being indifferent.

It was noticed before, acknowledged now. If this is the case, then I must never completely get what I want because there is no constant state. I want everything and everyone I like. And this acknowledgment finally is making me uneasy. Stable to unstable to trying to be stable again. I guess it always will have to be like that for me. That is what will keep things alive and worth pursuing.

At present instability is the change of air (again), which I’ll try to make comfortable again by learning few more things. And the cycle will go on. I guess. I've no idea if this is that bad.

I sorta envy those who get what they want and still stay passionate about it once the pursuit is over.

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Rage

When it fails real bad on  face, nothing else matters but one thing: my  patience, my time and my pride. It all looks like a bad joke. Pathetic mind games. It makes me hate reality. There is no denial, just plain anger. Simply because my ego, my pride is hurt. And when that happens I'm blind to everything. Huge steel walls stand up and there will be no forgiveness. At least till the anger mellows down.

That stage when I say I give up, it is not because I think I cannot do it anymore, it will be because I do not want to try anymore. There will be some hate sort of thing growing inside which will make me not want to do it anymore. A silent way of yelling "enough". A way of letting go. It couldn't be done in sane state of mind, insanity did it. And best thing about that insanity is there is no emotional attachment. Once that is broken, nothing matters at all. Detachment simplifies everything.

My conclusion, there should be no heart. Because once the sanity comes back, it will want to get back again all because the "emotions" will be back in its right place, again. Feels so wrong now. I guess, insanity makes me think clearer. Only thing is, the decision I take in this strong state, shouldn't be broken in rush of emotions. What I do now, is definitely best for me. That the second mind should understand. And by the end of this, I don't want the insanity to drain fast, which might as well.

Quoting Wilde in completely different sense, "Realism makes people ugly."  Or probably see how really ugly they are. 
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The types :D

There are simply two types of people:
 1. The dig deep,analyze everything, talk philosophy, share poems, talk medieval and science and such stuff. I enjoy that! There is bonding, and that is one thing.
2. The have fun people. Everything is simple and direct for them. To hell with analyze else types, let me just enjoy types. And that company is a pleasant change for me! 

What surprised me was, I am both of them. And I can be whoever when ever I want to be. And I enjoy being both of them! Silent to hyper happy.And that's when I realized, I'm really very happy. "Enjoy life. It is perfect." I didn't expect to come out from me. It is perfect. :) It was someone's gyan given in a cruder way, which I gave back it seems :P

It is perfect. :)
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Obsession: "Truth"

It's been one of the most important thing for me since few weeks now. Me and my obsession for truth. There are some truths I don't want to listen to, even when I probably might know what the truth is. I say probably, because that is my assumption. I'm too sissy to face the truth.

Truth sets you free. It does. I do want that. To get to know that, and get over with it. If it is horrible truth, it will hurt. It might shatter me and send me in denial again. But I know me, and that won't last for long. If it is horrible, what can I do? If there is nothing, I'll simply have to accept it. I cannot force anyone to feel or say something. Truth will at least keep things simple. This is this, and nothing more. Simple. It might kill some things(or I might), but then there is freedom. And that is all I want.

I want to tell the truth, but I can't, not using my voice. I want to tell the truth, and let it be known. I'm not scared of the horrible truth I might get to listen to in return. I have to tell this to my heart, "The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself." Once broken, can always be mended. But let it be a mystery now. Let me blur the lines of optimism and realism. Let me be ignorant of the "real" truth till I'm bit more stronger. But truth, I'll say that one day, and listen back some too.

For now, let be an untouched obsession.

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Uncertain Bliss

If you really want something, and believe that you'll have it, you do get it. In its own time, yes. It is sorta difficult to explain how some of those things work, because I don't have any theory as such to convince myself. It worked, period. One phone call. Where the power was not in my hand, to call in that distant land, because of those strict rules to carry mobile in academy. It seemed dead, until that call. That familiar voice, brought an instant genuine smile. :)

I seem to have forgotten many memories. That was a want at one time. And that has worked too, for almost all memories. Which I don't like now. But that didn't matter then, you are anyways always there to remind me. I didn't want that moment to end. You said, it was a perfect closure to end a bland day. My happiness, and laughter, was enough for you and it made simple for me too. All that ends well... :) That was enough for me too. I had got one of the things that I had wanted.

Then there was want for more than what I wanted, for all those other wants. I was happy, but the after effects of wanting more was making me feel bland again. Greed? Always wanting more and more. Happy for an instant, then wanting more. It does last, happiness that is. But I wonder, what it will be like to be blissful for like really very long time? I don't want to give up my wants.

At times wants are blind. Blinded by stubbornness. Foolishly stubborn mind. Blind to the truth. Truth is bitter at times yes, and not wanting to face it yet because of stubborn mind is my big strong brick wall. The block. I want to break the wall, but I don't want to face rejection. The mind says, "I rather stick to what I want, than listen to that "truth" now." Not giving up yet, when it actually knows when to let go. There is a thin line between optimism and realism. That has to be clear in head.

At present, all that matters is I got one of  those many things I wanted. And I am happy because of that. A perfect closure.

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Stupidity?

Whining on something that you want bad. You want it and you want it somehow. Finally, suddenly you start getting it. You are startled. You are happy, but you develop cold feet and start pushing that one thing you wanted away, in a subtle way. And when it is almost gone, you realize what you have done, and then feel bad. And almost wish it happens again hoping that the damage is not huge, so that you can act right this time. 

Makes me wonder is it sheer stupidity? Is it something we don't really want and are simply stubborn about having it? Or is it a bad reaction to a surprise of actually beginning to get what you wanted when almost thought of giving up on it? :D
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Fly

A bird he is, meant to be free, soar high in the air and fly. Took a long sweet shelter under the tree, when it rained all night. Morning came along with the rain, caged in home he sighed. The days went by, the leaves now dried, autumn it was not spring. The last leaf fell with a gentle sway, the sun shined bright in his eyes. Time flew by, he never realized he missed being up in air. Hopped on his feet looking at skies, “fly how should I?” he asked in vain.

Distant memories of flying with wind, high up with a merry song. Flapped his wing, which he thought he had forgotten was there in him all along.

You my dear bird, born with free soul, what have you seem to forgotten? A hasty end to a beautiful beginning, is that what you want?

Open your wings wide, flap them now, let all your fears fall aside. Take a deep breath, and fall in the air, let happiness fly with you this time.

Something I wrote for someone intentionally without that person asking me, many months back.

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Best walk home

I had one of the best walk back home today. It rained, and I walked back slowly, getting wet. Water dripping from my hair and me struggling to walk straight in those slippers. At one point I wished if I could share this walk with you. :)

One of those moments I wished never ended.

So happy. :)
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Random thought

And I learnt to keep ignoring things which depress me or provokes me. Not just things, it includes people. Naaah, actually, things here are only people. However much it may effect, ignore. After a while it recedes because I didn't give it any importance, at that moment. This is helping. (And I also learnt, the more I ignore when people talk provoking stuff, the more it frustrates them, and they do it even more to squeeze a reaction out of me. And when I reach to that understanding it highly amuses me, not even close to provoking. )

Finally listening to a dead person, "Live in the moment."  I cannot pretend, so I will try doing it without pretending, because I cannot get into his situation. Not that I want it now.

And probably stop worrying and say this to myself, there is no point worrying because I know it won't work, and even if it does, there is no point worrying on how to make it work.  Best it to just have an idea and at times just let it be and be in the moment. And quit thinking. :) 

"If you can change it, change it, else stop worrying about it."
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On Chances

If God does exist (which He does according to my convenience, so says papa), He should be ruthless to those who refuse to appreciate the second chances thrown at them. Its irritating when those chances really mean nothing and is wished that it was not given at all. Really infuriating. Whatever the mood, should learn to appreciate. I don't either. And that is even more frustrating.

What you want at one moment, shouldn't change within a day when you finally get it. What you accept and learn something in that moment, shouldn't change suddenly because the mood is sour. Words once thrown out wouldn't come back. I should think twice even before I form a sentence in my mind when insanely angry. I don't want any regrets.
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Crowd

Done being a cynic, sarcastic, stubborn, and what not. Want to put a full stop to it. Call it giving up or running away, I won't care. You not caring, is making me not care. Probably.

I dreamt I had run away taking dad's (MY) car, to some unknown place. There was this urge to get lost in a crowd. Get out of the car and walk on the road. Crowd because I suddenly wanted to feel small and unnoticed. Meaning: No questioning, no attachment, no expectation, that way complete freedom. A new place, new people.

Talk to strangers. Talk stuffs to them and listen to them talk back without knowing my background in anything. That way, I feel answers will not be biased, you know said just to make me feel fine types. I tried that once, when plugged to the wall. And I got some answers. I felt better. And there was no necessity to talk to them again later, or so I felt. 

I don't understand why is it that I feel this. If its want to run away from truth, or people or what. Its just that at times  more than known people, crowd feels more comforting. And this is coming from someone who totally hates crowd. 
I'm definitely weird :)


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More and More

Just when I thought I understood what EXACTLY it feels like when scared, I got the ultimate in my face slap, "Now, are you scared?" kinda incident. I still don't know if I can still say, "Now I know how it feels when I'm scared." :P

Made me realize, sometimes when I say, I've felt it or seen it, I really have much much more to feel and see. Always a little more than the last time, or exceedingly more. And also this that I can never finally totally conclude on certain things.

I love infinity :)
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