Toothless Innocence

This evening: making faces at a baby while walking back to a friend's place and watching it slowly give me a wide toothless smile was so beautiful that I forgot all my frustrations and exhaustion.
My highlight of these two tiring days. I do not want to forget this.
Malleshwaram, 15th Cross.
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And music of my mood now: If I could see you again.
And I was wrong about "Finally, finally free." Pausing it.

White or Gray?

April 14, 2011
11:27 PM

Why ask for an opinion when you already know what you want?
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Almost Perfect

Best feeling in the world: Getting one of many important things you want. And still being confident, and wanting it after getting it.
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Probably an "old" new muse

The never ending thirst of immortality. That's what its all about
Almost mixed forever with immortality.
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Record: India-Lanka WC Final-2011. Awesome match.
Sachin steals MSD's thunder. He 'seems' not to mind it.
And I love his composure.

This is what happens when

1. You are so hung up on one thing - Miss out the "slow-rapid" changes in yourself because you didn't listen to yourself either. (At times "you" were reeeeeeally cute :D)
2. Daydream openly - Get friendly hits thrice on your back and get startled badly. And then listen to them laugh at your multiple expressions running on your face.
3. You have your space - You are completely with yourself to discover you. Beautiful beautiful freedom! :))

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One of many

When one something compensates for other many things even if temporarily, it is good enough.
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Elgamal Fire

The fun in race against the deadline!
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Counter Self Argument

13 March, 2011
1:59 AM
When there is an open communication, there is a realization that it was like it was when it was the first time in the first place. Things mend then. Don't break. 
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He said..

All you had to do was ask or say that this is what you exactly want.
Don't wait.
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No Return.

Its a beautiful feeling, doing what you feel like, at that very moment; not days later. That has stronger feeling of euphoria than doing it days later. Pleasure is the only thing that matters. Happiness. Even if it is having that one flavor of ice cream from that one particular brand only. Going all the way down there to have that. Call it being crazy. (though there was other work too :D)

And getting what you strongly wanted. Sometimes, when it is right front of you (what you strongly wanted), shrieking in  your face, you forget for a moment that this is what you wanted. You doubt it, and then decide against it and walk past it. Then you suddenly realize what you did, and run back again to get it. And sticking to what you wanted and having it, is another beautiful feeling.

I now wonder, how many such things I missed because I wasn't attentive enough. Cannot undo. All it matters is, I didn't do it again this time. And that is a wonderful feeling.


The main thing is, knowing what you exactly want, pursuing it, and sticking to it. Sticking, probably optional, who knows what it will be when time changes.
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The Geeky Boy Gentleman

When it comes to a person, I decided not to put a full stop about them anymore. I love the way when something unknown and unexpected part of a person is suddenly revealed.. Like a surprise. It gave me the feeling that, I really don't know that person yet and still there is so much to discover. And honestly, it is best when it is kept that way. Let me discover the unsaid, hidden nature.

Its like, "I show one face to the world when I am really something else". Like abstraction. What looks poker, is actually highly animated. What looks sober, is at times total opposite of it. And when that one streak is discovered, it is amazing.

Today was the day of subtle craziness. Walking out of a "window" from the first floor on the cranky ramp. The best part was, it was known about my infamous accidental nature, still I was allowed to walk down at my own pace. I was trusted and not treated like a kid. For a moment I felt like a princess walking down the broken staircase (the way they were looking at me :P) The geek, took a step forward, just to give me his hand, in case I slipped. No one wanted a cracked bloody skull. This was the best part of my day today. And I found one more piece of my 'want' puzzle. 

Lets be crazy and not overly protective. But give me your hand when I am about to fall. Don't treat me like a baby. Let us be you and me. Let me not say everything, or you. Lets just find out. Simple.

At first, the "hits" on my head were to irritate me. And it slowly transformed to sorta a pat on my head every time bye was said.

And the gentleman will be bloating in an ungentlemanly manner now. :P

Thanks to you, I remembered suddenly changing our plans and driving to a "secret place", climbing up a wall there with my best friend, just to sit and watch the sun set, silently. :)
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Uncertain Bliss

If you really want something, and believe that you'll have it, you do get it. In its own time, yes. It is sorta difficult to explain how some of those things work, because I don't have any theory as such to convince myself. It worked, period. One phone call. Where the power was not in my hand, to call in that distant land, because of those strict rules to carry mobile in academy. It seemed dead, until that call. That familiar voice, brought an instant genuine smile. :)

I seem to have forgotten many memories. That was a want at one time. And that has worked too, for almost all memories. Which I don't like now. But that didn't matter then, you are anyways always there to remind me. I didn't want that moment to end. You said, it was a perfect closure to end a bland day. My happiness, and laughter, was enough for you and it made simple for me too. All that ends well... :) That was enough for me too. I had got one of the things that I had wanted.

Then there was want for more than what I wanted, for all those other wants. I was happy, but the after effects of wanting more was making me feel bland again. Greed? Always wanting more and more. Happy for an instant, then wanting more. It does last, happiness that is. But I wonder, what it will be like to be blissful for like really very long time? I don't want to give up my wants.

At times wants are blind. Blinded by stubbornness. Foolishly stubborn mind. Blind to the truth. Truth is bitter at times yes, and not wanting to face it yet because of stubborn mind is my big strong brick wall. The block. I want to break the wall, but I don't want to face rejection. The mind says, "I rather stick to what I want, than listen to that "truth" now." Not giving up yet, when it actually knows when to let go. There is a thin line between optimism and realism. That has to be clear in head.

At present, all that matters is I got one of  those many things I wanted. And I am happy because of that. A perfect closure.

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More and More

Just when I thought I understood what EXACTLY it feels like when scared, I got the ultimate in my face slap, "Now, are you scared?" kinda incident. I still don't know if I can still say, "Now I know how it feels when I'm scared." :P

Made me realize, sometimes when I say, I've felt it or seen it, I really have much much more to feel and see. Always a little more than the last time, or exceedingly more. And also this that I can never finally totally conclude on certain things.

I love infinity :)
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Lucky?

What can be more valuable than life? Love doesn’t even count there.

Thinking can stop. (Even though I will claim I wasn’t.) Total detachment of mind, is not that difficult. The importance of fraction of second, I learnt today.

I sure am damn lucky. There is still so much more to see. The aftermath of shock is indescribable.

All I could think in the end was that my list won’t be left undone. :)

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My shadow

August 15, 2010
Sunday
Its 2:17 am. I'm wide awake. I walk in the dark to get a glass of water. I thought I saw something, a silhouette sort of, and I almost shrieked!

My own shadow scared me. It was the fridge light bouncing off me on a wall, forming an enlarged shadow, which I thought was not me at all. That is when I understood how it REALLY feels to be scared, or how it REALLY feels when scared. Its as if someone is squeezing your heart tight, and its rebelling by beating very fast.

This night, I didn't trust my own shadow, for I thought its someone else. How bad is this?
Mr. Hitler, was it you who said, "When you are in light, everything will follow you. But when you enter dark, even your own shadow will not follow you."? I'm beginning to agree more and more with you. :)

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Answering the "Why?"

It might be insignificant and not important at this moment. All I know is it gave me some peace, to some extent and helped me understand me better. It will be the same with everyone else too. Just that they won’t be realizing it. No one will be having the patience to stop and think for a while and ask, “Why?”

It did agitate me for many days. “Why?” The change. The behaviour. The distancing. The happiness. The everything. It’s beautiful, the human mind. How it works. I guess the quote was right, “Reality is an illusion”. Illusion because I really didn’t see what I was doing. “Why?” Now I know why.

Its subconscious mind’s game. It’s my own mind’s game.

Something disastrous happens. Obviously it’s not wanted. First thing the mind tries to do is, “refuse”. Refuse to accept it. Refuse to believe it happened. But then some time later, it sets in. And the next thing that mind tires to do is, “block”. Block everything. Every feeling, negativity. Everything that has to do with the disaster. Memories are blocked. There is a slow change in character. Some become passive. Some become tough.

The one who become tough act like nothing had ever happened and they have moved on with their lives. They act as if nothing is stopping them. Nothing actually can. And in actual reality, nothing really can stop them. They refuse to listen to complains. They refuse to go down. They become insensitive to people around them. Insensitive to anything about them. They just don’t care. Distances created. Act indifferent to everything. What they don’t realize is that this is what they are trying to do with themselves to get over the disaster. They are being tough on themselves, not others. They are being insensitive to themselves, not others. That is because they want to go ahead. An attempt to try make themselves strong. Their behaviour is nothing but a reflection on how they actually want their mind to be. What they actually want to be. Just that its not realized. When the question, “why” is put up, then starts the torture to understand. It takes up lot of time. Time is wasted in the process, but then there is some mental peace later. And some more understanding of self. That’s when you will be comfortable with self.

The one who become passive maybe they just go into depression. They are in constant denial. Constant hope that it never really  happened. Constant hope that it will be fine. Maybe be just praying to god, hoping their prayers will be answered when they fail to realize that it’s just them who have to do something.

There is no one but you yourself to say, “Everything will be all right. Trust me”. You are your own motivation.

Sure, distances are created. There is some loneliness because of this indifference and whatever behavior. But then, “Everything will be all right. Trust me.”

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Forca!

Beauty lies within.

There are some thoughts which are there in your mind. Just that you still don’t know it's there. Rather you don’t know the lyrics yet. Something might have happened and many months later, the words form. The thought which comes out is beautiful.

It is different yet simple. It is known yet ignored. Sometimes it makes you realize how beautiful and strong you are from within. So strong... That’s when you know the willpower of your mind. The beauty of your nature. The strength is amazing. How you have come out of a situation and how you could learn something out of it. This is that thought talking to you. It’s like discovering yourself. Questioning and then finding out the answers.

It just happens. The thought formation that is...

The words are simple but they have the real impact on those who truly understand its meaning.

Sometimes you might feel like you know a secret. A delightful one. You have shared it, it’s how people decrypt it  : )

Like today, I had this one thought while listening to a song en route to college:

I learnt when in Goa (from experience), “Sometimes you fall down real hard. Its ok to lie down for a while. But then get up with a smile on your face and walk ahead. That is strength.”

There is nothing great in these words. I just remembered my face and my smile. It was a funny situation from where the thought formed, but on a serious thought, can help a lot in life when lost.

It might mean nothing to anyone. To me it is a secret. It is learning. I learnt about my strength. I learnt I’ve lots of strength. Sometimes I just forget the intensity of strength in me. That is the time I will remember the secret. I'll remember how I had smiled and was back on my feet.

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A Stranger and Me

A stranger, yet a friend. Every insignificant detail is known by that stranger. It is because I chose to tell ‘em. Yet that stranger somehow manages to know the exact character and puts it in one word, when I struggle to put it in sentences.

It is scary.

A tone is enough to understand by the stranger what I refuse to accept. It is said out loud by the stranger and I stubbornly refuse to admit. Reasons are given; it is pride that is talking.

The truth is: it is accepted, just that it is not said out loud. Pride you see... Here comes the act of ‘different’ pretending, “I’m strong.” Saying those things, sometimes integrates it in us I guess. Saying it out loud is self convincing. Helps sometimes.

There is this struggle of accepting the change. Something sudden new is not obviously warm heartedly welcome in some comfortable world. A mess. Some fights. But in the end, “I understand” is said. Perfect. No explanations. Ends the topic right there. Space is given right there. Friendship is resumed right then.

What surprises me is, this entire thing works with a stranger. But never did it work with some close anyones. Maybe that is how it is when there are no expectations...

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Knowing it Clear

Its all about being with the right person. Cannot judge someone so fast. Even a year is not enough, unless you can read minds to know what exactly they are thinking.

Met a person. Was perfect to my description. Like a jigsaw piece, it fit well. No big differences, similar likes. It was like we are like a team, but still different individual. Exactly like I wanted. But surprisingly there are no feelings. None at all. Cannot have it even if I try. I cannot force myself or give myself time to feel it. One mistake is enough to learn. Fools repeat a mistake twice. I cannot jump into something just because I "think" I do "feel" something; cos I am not!

This seriously surprised me. Maybe because I'm not ready yet, or maybe because I'll have to bend some un-bendable self rules; for which I'm inflexible.

Its just fine. It is perfect the way it is right now too. And I don't want to change it. There is no intention or need too. All that matters to me is that we are very good friends. There when one needs another. Not thinking twice before calling when one says, "I'm a li'l upset". But then again I wish I could read exactly what people are thinking.

Now I do have the description of exactly what I want. I know exactly what I want and what I'm looking for. I know my priorities too. This maybe the stopping element too. More than that, I just dont want it! :)

I know one thing for sure too: I'm very lucky. And I'm not alone. :)

Little Things..

There are those little things that make me so happy... Little insignificant to others, but for me it does make me smile. Some help me keep my faith in things which is on the verge of breaking. And some, make me feel loved and cared.

Saying out those little things helps make some new bond and helps strengthen some old bonds. They touch me so much that its surprising that I have the capacity to feel so much out of so many " normal" things. Normal in others eyes. Somehow they end up being special to mine. Its beautiful to feel them. I won't have some for now, but I do feel for their fairy tales... I feel happy.

For instance, this classmate of mine, who's love is so strong for his girl that he can go to lengths to protect her. Its surprising that their love story started even when I couldn't explain or understand love. They were that young. And its still strong.

Have one friend of mine stare at his girl (who again is a friend). And that look in his eyes says it all. No words required. I can't help feeling wonderful and at the same time feeling what all I've to yet experience and what I missed by being rash at times.

Letting a person know that I find his smile infectious (was not through me) and that I like him (not to take me the wrong way). I was genuinely happy when I saw him in college after a long break. I guess me turning and giving him a broad smile twice said it all. And then yesterday, I acknowledged whatever my other friend told him was right by giving him a knowing smile. He stopping by and talking. Both of us smiling. It made me feel happy all over again (I was sulking ).

Getting hugs from my friends when I miss my mom.

Burying my head in her shoulders when I miss something very bad, to hide my tears in public and she patting my back in response, understanding, and not questioning. Just some calm sound to sooth me.

Teasing me and infuriating to an extent that I'll not look at their faces. And then they making me smile by giving me my favorite chocolate bar. Happy all over again.

A piece of soft sweet music... Listening to it when uncertain and scared. Letting it fill me with peace, like right now. Or listening to a loud rock and walking fast with a friend as a company and letting all the frustrations burn out.

Feeling all these little things has me all grown up. Matured. There is no more of whining. I guess I realized I won't always get what I want. I can still try.

I guess I realized people always go, and I can't always be selfish to keep them.

I really surprise myself by being able to feel so much. All these and much more. Different emotions and situations...

I had allowed myself to believe when people called me emotionless. I was so wrong. I feel much more than others. I have the capacity to feel everything. Capacity to receive and give... I have the capacity to hold myself strong. I am.

I just have to learn to be patient.

Right now, I can enjoy and feel everyone's fairy tale lives around me. Mine will come. With time. I can't help feeling jealous now and then though. I'm with reality. I'll wait for mine.

I learnt to tell all those tiny things that make me happy about others to them. Not keep it in and admire it from distant.

In the end about being happy. No matter what.

Learn. Grow and walk ahead.