Toothless Innocence

This evening: making faces at a baby while walking back to a friend's place and watching it slowly give me a wide toothless smile was so beautiful that I forgot all my frustrations and exhaustion.
My highlight of these two tiring days. I do not want to forget this.
Malleshwaram, 15th Cross.
---..
And music of my mood now: If I could see you again.
And I was wrong about "Finally, finally free." Pausing it.

Harry's Warning

He put it perfectly in one sentence in Dexter's imaginary conversation, what I was struggling to say that day: (fix it)
"We only see two things in people: What we want to see. And what they show us. " 
---..
Mixing personal with general, those two things are beginning to blend and blur badly.

Mi Chica

On my board:

PP ki lagi vaat.
Padho darlinge!
---..

That li'l girl's story

Moral:
Sometimes it's really best to shut the eff up.
Nails driven into a wooden fence in fury when removed after the disaster will always leave holes.
I guess now I really don't care how my silence is/will be interpreted
---..

Being Silly

This big world is such a small world. Like a circle.
---..

Reminiscing

School days were the best. Talking about it reminded so much about what and who I was.
Relationship almost killed that in me by making me forget who I was.
Never late to revive. :)
---..
All this on the officially last free day of my college life.
I will miss this day.

Fair possibility

Couldn't help wondering, if I was wrong. If I am missing something. Even if I am, I don't feel anything.
But this that it could have ended in a better way.
No entiendo. And probably I don't want to.
Mature part: I'm not taking it for granted. I just know it's there.
---..

Last Night's Conversation

It is so easy not to care.
Pretense or not, go figure. :)
---..

I'm still imagining

12:26 AM
Life with no secrets.
Obviously when there is absolute certainty.
And no whimsical made up reasons for escapade.
---..

Part of growing up

Apparently you can do nothing when you are scared and want to make it go away.
But wait for it to pass.
---..

Can't stop fantasizing

If I were a detective by now...
I would be chasing bad asses.
And then someday, I would die a heroic death. Shot by a terrorist during gunning session.
---..
My 12-15 yr old fantasy.
Which I couldn't stop fantasizing now either. Suddenly remembered how I used to make ID card: "Agent Shenoy. FBI. New York"  and run around the house, imagining holding two revolvers. Cowboy style. The fascination and obsession with NY city. (Which is still alive)
My navy blue diary on "Crime Investigation." :)

Bangalore is Back!

Something comforting about "back to normal".  Like it always was.
What everyone craves for.
Made me feel good.
Rains and it's famous pleasant weather.
---..
Changes have their own perks.

Baadam Burfi

While making that I learnt:
There is a BIG difference between what is right and what seems right.
---..

Another theory

Never try to say "this is it", in any way.
It is a full stop. Stagnancy.
And kills everything beautiful.
---..

Why I don't care

I am one heartless biatch! :D
This is not PMS speaking.
---..
By the way, PMS you are a bitch too.

The Phatichar English

From a letter to Di:
My love for Math: (Exam date: 27/9/99 Yea I had the thing of mentioning it back then too)
"My maths paper was hard also and easy"
ting ting tiding :D :D
---..

Alive!!

Love the thrill of racing against deadline!
Aware, alive and a much wanted challenge.
---..

Complete true lies

18 April, 2011
6:41 PM
Lies keep the world steady in denied delusions. Truth disrupts it bringing in some self relieved peace at the cost of hatred. Probably intense.
Still the truth will be made of some more lies.
---..

Get it out of my head

Pizza with not enough cheese is no pizza.
---..
5:30 PM
New addition: mushrooms too. 

Because I said so

This is papa.

 Even he can't ask why :D
---..

White or Gray?

April 14, 2011
11:27 PM

Why ask for an opinion when you already know what you want?
---..

Internal Bleeding

April 14, 2011
11:14 PM
Everybody secretly craves for drama, which leads to gaining the much craved attention. 
---..

Persistent

Some things are. Doesn’t mean you conclude already just because you saw it more clearly, rather discovered about it now.
---..

Pretense of Strength

It is so easy to pull a person down.
They will put up a strong/poker face and pretend it didn't matter to them.
And still deny it.
The power of denial.
---..

Return of Music

When I daydream with music

Rusty finger when I start.
Someday, that long hair.
---..

Another muse

Autosuggestion.
Not The Exorcist effect. Pakka. (though it did start there)
It was the Combiflam effect.
---..

Dark Night

April 11, 2011
2:25 AM
Moon light streaming through the window past mid night, her silhouette made her feel perfect.
---..

That Instance of Insanity

April 9, 2011

9:45 PM

Let it settle, you’ll see that silence is the best retort. :)

Peace. V

---..

Thankful that Genies are not real

April 9, 2011

8:27 PM

Imagine if every wish out of insane emotions was asked and he said, “Your wish is my command”, guess what would have happened??

Total Chaos! Imagine how.

I know I had wished for him. Once upon a time though. :)

---..

Fantasies

April 9, 2011

8:20 PM

Imagine if wands were really magical! Just imagine. Include dragons too.

Imagine if mind reading was possible. It would make things simpler. Imagine how much of explanations it would have cut down.

---..

Think once before you ask “Why”

April 9, 2011

2:20 AM

Every why has a simple answer. It gets complicated when it’s not accepted.

Not all whys need explanation.

 ---..

Analyze This

April 9, 2011

2: 32 AM

What’s the point being brilliant when you can’t analyze yourself?

---..

Almost Perfect

Best feeling in the world: Getting one of many important things you want. And still being confident, and wanting it after getting it.
---..

My Snow Globe

 

Most of the time we forget what we have when it is right in front of us, taken little care of, lying there in dust. So much of dust that the interest dies away, rather we forget about it and lose it. 

The real one:

If I apply this in real life: by the time I remove the dust and find it, it will be too late. 

Need to stop being this blind.

---..

Record:  Which was already in dust

This always makes me smile

Everything about it is perfect.
Mummy's smile, papa's half smile. Can't get over on how beautiful she is. So beautiful. And dad is his handsomest in his IIT-K ID. Which he, I'm guessing hid it from me when Iwas in school, when I had taken it.

Me giving my then typical smile, wanting to hold Blackey and holding his chain. Because I was too small to be allowed to hold him on my own. Love Blackey's expression too :)) Miss that lallu
Me wearing naani's necklace.  She taught me some hell of manners. Miss her.
And my sister, her half wanting not wanting to smile. She almost in her teenage.

And this always reminds me of my energy. The kind I had. Always jumping and laughing. Happy with myself. I still have that energy. The problem is, it's partial with people. :)

Love this family picture. Couldn't stop looking at it today. Always at my bedside.
---..

When everything seems wrong with the world...

Beginning to wonder if being simple is being naive and stupid.
---..
Record: Chain in B2

Sleepy daydream

Imagining my chaddar is my invisibility blanket. :)

---..

Paris of my Dream

The kind of day I'll like: Sunny, warm and bright. Very pleasant day. I could see yellow light scattered. (Yes, I dream in color).  On a brown carriage which had convertible car sort of look, pulled by a white horse on a beautiful early morning in Paris. Beautiful. Passed by some river like water body. More than that, I could only remember the pale blue sky and the soft yellow light bouncing off my hair, bouncing off the water. Nice and warm weather.

I was away. Far far away from everyone. I enjoyed my independence and more than that my solitude. And that beautiful city of my imagination...

I missed watching Eiffel. :D

Watched it weeks back and I still cannot get the image out of my mind.
Beautiful and peaceful.

---..

Baby's gone paranoid!

When your patience begins to get weary over what you think you want the most and you are not even almost close to it, baby, you begin to have paranoid imaginations as a result of frustration.
Think something else!

---..

Lets go head on like MSD

I photograph only whatever appeals or intrigues me. And its difficult to impress me.
How do I force myself to get attracted to an object? It is a task.
---..

Probably an "old" new muse

The never ending thirst of immortality. That's what its all about
Almost mixed forever with immortality.
---..
Record: India-Lanka WC Final-2011. Awesome match.
Sachin steals MSD's thunder. He 'seems' not to mind it.
And I love his composure.

This Beautiful morning

I woke up to the smell of gilli mitti. :))

When it rains... :D
---..

This is what happens when

1. You are so hung up on one thing - Miss out the "slow-rapid" changes in yourself because you didn't listen to yourself either. (At times "you" were reeeeeeally cute :D)
2. Daydream openly - Get friendly hits thrice on your back and get startled badly. And then listen to them laugh at your multiple expressions running on your face.
3. You have your space - You are completely with yourself to discover you. Beautiful beautiful freedom! :))

---..

Jane, Learn!

"The first step is acceptance.
The most difficult one."
---..

Some more lies

"Forever" is the biggest fraud. 
---..

The "Frank" Mess

"Misanthrope.
Frankness which is so going to cost me.
Now, I almost honestly don't care."
---..

Pea Brainedness

How is that the mind wants one thing but actions speak something else!?
---..

Portrait Effect

Faces are so interesting.
At times feel colors take away the elegance. 
---..

Another to the list

Always wanted to have one snow globe too :))
---..

The Passion is The Key

There is so much of brilliance in this world that I'm feeling smaller than a dot.
---..

One of many

When one something compensates for other many things even if temporarily, it is good enough.
---..

Elgamal Fire

The fun in race against the deadline!
---..

Worst that can happen

Have I been misreading everything?
---..

Papa-Daughter Argument

Why is it really so difficult to believe that there can be some moments in a day with no thoughts at all?
Even when she says she experiences it!
---..

Lets pretend

She pretends that she is hollow. Saves experiencing unwanted multiple emotions at the same time.
Going the Buddha way of detachment.
---..

View from a G9

It's evening. Grey clouds in the sky and just a hint of soft breeze. Sun setting, light orange light scattered.
A path splayed with violets leading to a garden with trees with a bench in between. The leaves swaying with the breeze with soft crackling sound making the small dry leaves fall down softly giving raining gold leaves effect.
Beautiful.
---..
Location: Mekhri.
Merging two places with my bench. :)

The Prologue Torture

Relearning patience, thanks to papa.
Remembering his 8th grader daughter's whiteness test help
---..

Prejudiced Judgement

Often an (unintended) cynic misses out on many things because of that (probably also because the cynic is trying to live up to some self made image). Because a cynic has lost the ability to give things a try. Or probably just forgotten.
---..

The Mended Mirror

The cracks will always be there no matter what, right?
How to get past it?
---..

Says it all

"A person's mind is his last sanctuary."
---..
Eragon

On Self Discovery

"Magic Is The Simplest Thing"
..
Brom's brow darkened. "Be careful. It can be a terrible knowledge. To know who you are without any delusions or sympathy is a moment of revelation that no one experiences unscathed. Some have been driven to madness by that stark reality. Most try to forget it. But as much as the name will give others power, so you may gain power over yourself, if the truth doesn't break  you."

Eragon by Christopher Paolini
---..

Which can be generalized too. Been wondering if that 15 year old author knew exactly how strong those words are.

"Magic is The Simplest Thing"

...
"So they never lie?"
"Not quite," admitted Brom. "They maintain that they don't, and in a way it's true, but they have perfected the art of saying one thing and meaning another. You never know exactly what their intent is, or if you have fathomed it correctly. Many times they only reveal part of the truth and withhold the rest. It takes a refined and subtle mind to deal with their culture."
...

Eragon by Christopher Paolini
---..
Can be generalized.

Like a dog with his tail between his leg

Bravely pursued the truth, disgracing pretense. When she finally got it, she ran away. There was comfort in pretense.

Some things are so painful that it is best to still pretend that nothing ever was painful.
---..
My obsession with truth force ends. 

Alter Ego's Effort

She tries to be as fake with you as you are with her.
---..

A Sleepy Thought

Some lies are actually the truth: Just not correcting it when the other takes it as a lie.
A form of pretense I guess.
---..

Refrains

White lies get tiring too.
---..

Distant

For some unknown reason reality is more appealing than people.
It is scary, but not pestering.
Very real.
---..

Best part being me

Is me. :)
---..

One Small Comfort

Really, it's not that bad. At least something is true. :)
And I love it.

I guess the ball really hit my head preeeetty hard. 
---..
Psst: I mean reality. Concussion bad. :D

On the wall

An advertisement: Now water with H2O.
I totally LOVE Bangalore :))
---..

Probably a phase

All relations are beautiful from a distant.
Or probably seems.
---..

Epiphany

A strain between two people often does wonders to another relation for one of the person involved.
Also, not everyone can be without talking to anyone for long.
---..

Spectacular!

Never underestimate the power of denial.
---..

Irony (??)

When we were young we knew exactly what we wanted. The more we grow it reduces, dilemma begins with more and more choices and we begin to believe when we were young we didn't know what we wanted. When we have actually almost forgotten what we wanted.

The more we see, lesser real it becomes. And then we rant that reality sucks.
---..

White Lies

Pretenses never stop.
People are made to believe whatever they want to believe.
---..

The Girl in Red

 
One warm sunny morning, a little girl dressed in red held a spool of thread in her hand tied to a kite. She ran against the breeze as fast as her little legs could carry, her hand raised, holding the kite. She let go the kite and it flew in the air. Up and higher and higher it flew, till the thread couldn't bear the tension anymore and it snapped.

She stopped abruptly with a smile on her face and saw her kite fly away.

 


 ---..

Semi Dreaming State

A fight between a mortal and a magician for a forgotten reason.
---..

Counter Self Argument

13 March, 2011
1:59 AM
When there is an open communication, there is a realization that it was like it was when it was the first time in the first place. Things mend then. Don't break. 
---..

Mending a Broken Mirror

There is some peace in organizing the clutter.
---..

Judging by the Cover 2

There are people who don't, just don't see what is in front of them in a person. They just don't see anything at all.That's how things break. Because of blind opinion. Also because of the smug feeling that they are always right.
I was one of them too, for a while.
---..

Reason Why I'm Lucky...

I discovered it's not attachment I'm averse to. I love to be free. I guess that is why my relationship or friendships had started failing after a year. And I'm lucky because my best friend knew this even before I could figure out. :)
Out of whole lot, she understood this. That's why, she is the best one :)


And so the song goes, "Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori'
My reason why I need to get recluse now and then.
"Thodi doori se, zindagi asaan hai
Meri duniya aur uska bhi jahan hai
Hai ziddi ye badi majbooriyan bhi."

Like that simple fact: a goldfish dies faster when its in an aquarium.
That's why this fish needs break now and then :)

---..

Hallelujah

It's beautiful. :)
---..

Coffee Desperation

Classroom Doodle: What INS did to me :|

Loved the fact that papa could understand what it is and also his reaction :D
---..

Pseudo congratulations

To the girl who was getting teased :D
A quick lovey dovey doodle :P

---..

Judging by the cover

Hate people who've already formed an opinion even before giving it a chance.
I WAS one of them :D
---..

One Sentiment

"Tired with all these, for restful death I cry"
 -Sonnet 66 
---..

Exhausting Truth

All of it was a lie.
---..

My Generation's Theory

On value and relationships:

When it gets old, ditch it.
When there is a problem, dump it.

---..

Pune Rains :)

To the special, everyday and rains there :)
And also to my favorite mint green umbrella which I lost 

Also had drawn on kid's notebook,
Parallel computing class :D
---..

One Imagination

How I imagine myself when I'm daydreaming:
With stars :D

4 March, 2011
In Parallel Computing class
2nd Last Bench, in a kid's notebook :P

---..

An Unfortunate Truth

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."
---..

Long long time ago

I had got this dream. The picture stayed in my mind.
This has got the essence but not the exact picture.
An Attempt :

13 Jan, 2011

---..
Not from imagination.

When I should have been studying

Doodling Stick-man studying :P

7 March, 2011
---..

B-E-A-utiful

Because no one listens anymore.
---..

From a Discussion

Got the message loud and clear that one thing cannot be important and not important at the same time for a non-FU person.
Exhausting.
---..

Where the creativity dies...

The fantasy built then, was so much more beautiful than the reality.
Which was called as, "My World".
---..

A Reminder

Reminder of my basic childhood principle/theory:
My existence has a reason.

The 12 year old was much smarter than the 21 year old.
---..

Emochnal Atyaachari

It is much much better when there is plain discussion/arguement without telling the other how to and what to do.
--To that gawar who had the discussion with  me. :)
---..

The Conscious Effort

The more you try to keep it vague, the more obviously personal it gets.
The more you try to bridge the distance, the more painfully distant it gets.
---..

Short Lived Glory

Ms Control Freak, you have lost the grip. You are now in the danger of becoming the next Jane.
---..

Where is the other door?

When there is so much of self induced darkness, how can she see the light?
---..

Another Emotion Recognised

When suddenly lots of familiarity floods in, and probably begins to kill you, this is I guess what is called as missing something/someone.
---..

Uncomplicate it!

"Life gets complicated when you start comparing", she said.
More than that at times it breaks you down, makes you push yourself towards being something, and in the end embed something more to your personality. Which is sometimes good.
Everything is done, but its still never enough.
You know why?
It's because that person still looks more interesting and better than you.
You know why?
Because of the (probably) innocent comparison.
That sometimes adds to the overwhelming emotion.

---..

Sherlock's Willpower

I wish I had that. Control all those unwanted overwhelming emotions and ignore them.
Distractions are harmful. Both waste my time.
---..

My Graceful Professor

She said, on a different context, "Never give up" which made me think in some other context: that it depends on situation. One should be smart enough to know when to keep fighting and when to give up. After sometime, it always loses its worth when it is unreachable, because of the alternatives :)
---..

Silent Retort.

27 February,  2011
11:37 PM

There are several ways of being/staying happy. Laughing all the time (to stay happy) is tiring, monotonous and cliched.
---..

By The Priest Who Believed in God

"Long ago I despaired of ever loving my neighbour. Certain people... repelled me. "How could I love them?" I thought. It tormented me, Damien; it led me to despair of myself... and from that, very soon, to despair of my God. My faith was shattered..."

Damien Karras looked up at Merrin with interest. "And what happened?" he asked.

"Ah, well... at last I realised that God would never ask of me that which I know to be psychologically impossible; that the love which He asked was in my will and not meant to be felt as an emotion at all. Not at all. He was asking that I act with love, that I do unto others; and that I should do it unto those who repelled me, I believe, was a greater act of love than any other." He shook his head. "I know that all of this must seem very obvious, Damien. I know. But at the time, I could not see it. Strange blindness. How many husbands and wives", he muttered sadly, "must believe they have fallen out of love because their hearts no longer race at the sight of their beloveds! Ah, dear God!"

He shook his head, and then nodded.

"There it lies, I think, Damien... possession; not in wars, as some tend to believe; not so much; and very seldom in extraordinary interventions such as here.. this girl... this poor child. No, I see it most often in the little things, Damien: in the senseless, petty spites; the misunderstandings; the cruel and cutting word that leaps unbidden to the tongue between friends. Between lovers. Enough of these", Merrin whispered, "and we have no need of Satan to manage our wars; these we manage for ourselves... for ourselves..."

"And yet even from this - from evil - will come good. In some way. In some way that we may never understand or ever see." Merrin paused. "Perhaps evil is the crucible of goodness", he brooded. "And perhaps even Satan - Satan, in spite of himself - somehow serves to work out the will of God."

-The Exorcist  by William Peter Blatty
---..

A passage which can be generalized:

"We have familiar experience of the order, the constancy, the perpetual renovation of the material world which surrounds us. Frail and transitory as is every part of it, restless and migratory as are its elements, still it abides. It is bound together by a law of permanence, and though it is ever dying, it is ever coming back to life again. Dissolution does but give birth to fresh modes of organization, and one death is the parent of a thousand lives. Each hour, as it comes, is but a testimony of how fleeting, yet how secure, how certain, is the great whole. It is like an image on the waters, which is ever the same, though the waters ever flow. The sun sinks to rise again, the day is swallowed up in the gloom of night, to be born out of it, as fresh as if it had never been quenched. Spring passes into summer, and through summer and autumn into winter, only the more surely, by its own ultimate return, to triumph over that grave towards which it resolutely hastened from its first hour. We mourn the blossoms of May because they are to wither; but we know that May is one day to have its revenge upon November, by the revolution of that solemn circle which never stops - which teaches us in our height of hope, ever to be sober, and in our depth of desolation, never to despair"

-The Exorcist by William Peter Blattey

---..

Solitude

If its a mistake, I'll learn.
---..

The Unwillingness Reason

Mistook submission to letting go.
Submission to the situation.
---..

Your daydream

Wish I could paint your imaginations too. :)
 ---..

Common Sense Department

Interusted. 
---..

You and me

Sometime or the other there will always be "something in common" between us however hard we cry "nein!" ;)
---..

Unwillingness - Late goodbye?

When I stop trying for something which seemed the whole world to me because I got tired and because I just want to stop, and later realizing that the attachment has slowly begun to fade towards it, does this mean that I have let go of it?
---..

Momentary chaos

How easily a human falls for those so called emotions.
Stupidity and sucha waste of time.
---..

Opacity

Love the fact that no one can read my head by just looking at me when I'm talking to them.
The element of secrecy. Beautiful.
---..

Rubick's Cube

20 Feb, 2011
10:54 AM

Don't be scared to mess the perfection.
The fun is in chasing perfection. Apparently ;)
---..

Mangloor Lesson

February 20, 2011
10:29 AM

Real independence: Implementing the Eklavya story.
Wisdom is attained by applying knowledge. Stacking knowledge is not being wise.
---..

Anti Social Cry

February 19, 2011
10:26 pm

Will to be free is often denied. Always tied down saying its a mistake.
---..

Jane's Emotion

Weirdness: She cannot be with the one she is happy around.
She is all that bla bla
- Vivian
---..

One Mask Displayed

How a display of probable white lie can make people believe things. (Unless the stubborn ones see what they want to see.)
Gullible, gullible world...
---..

Midnight Thought - A very late realization

One day of  known comfortable change doesn't necessarily last for the next day. Or the next.
Worst is when that particular day stays in.
---..

Manglore Daydream

February 18, 2011

When one imagination (then consequent few imaginations) come true, there is this danger of expecting every imagination to come true.
---..

Bridal Shower

February 17, 2011
8:00 PM

One night at a bridal shower, she thought, "Life is too short to be shared with anyone."
---..

One Eye Test

February 17, 2011
7:06 PM

Most of the stuffs are psychological.
---..

Another Train Thought

Febuary 16, 2011

It is sorta weird how two people have different understanding and hence opinion about each other, which leads to  (sometimes) disastrous decisions.
---..

Like slow poison

When something which was real begins to feel unreal, the memories begin to dissolve. 
Dislike.
---..

My Wardrobe Monster

How can I want and not want one thing at the same time?
"Confused mind" is not a pretty thing to hear.
---..

Doubting truth

If there were complete truth there would be no peace. And thus white lies makes it less real and comfortable.
Makes it look like, every "true" relations are made up of some or probably many white lies.
What exactly is truth? and being free?

---..

One Rotten Apple

Been wondering, how one rotten thing can actually screw millions of other good things. How it actually can make us forget all those millions of good things. How suddenly it is just about the one rotten apple.
The same ego and pride vs other emotions dilemma. 
---..

Personality clashes

Everyone loves Jane.
But once Vivian emerges, Jane is forgotten. Nothing matters anymore.

 ---..

Realizations, adding another

The other realization: where there is the "Deja vu" situation, which makes a person walk out of it, once pattern is recognized.
---..

Basics

How hard is it to fight temptations?
And how easy is it to get completely involved and lose yourself in something that you enjoy doing
Either way, when I stand outside my emotions it looks like complete madness.
---..

Between those lines

How one line can be interpreted in different ways in different states of mind, when most of the times it has one simple interpretation whatever be the state of mind.
Usually it is all clear when pre-decided view is thrown away.
---..

Complicated relation

There is always some truth behind the lies.
---..

Change

When it is finally embraced with open arms, looking back becomes tough and letting go becomes easy.
Need for explanation decreases.
And then all of a sudden: the rise in standards. :)
---..

Wise ones

A kiddish realization:

Even they make mistakes now and then. So my theory of they are never wrong, failed.
And I also learnt: me making mistakes is not making me less wiser. And that it is okay to make silly ones too, now and then.
---..

He said..

All you had to do was ask or say that this is what you exactly want.
Don't wait.
---..

Nike says, Just Do It

Imagining is one thing, doing it when there is a chance is another.
---..

Conscience Call

An act out of "light" dislike, does give her the euphoric sadistic pleasure along with the sudden, (and gladly welcomed) hulky strength. Remorse doesn't follow, but sometime later the Conscience questions and fails.

- The strength of determination. Is despicable at times.
---..

In her face

Few hours later, sitting on a bench waiting for a bus after spending time together walking around in a mall passing time; conversing:
Jane: You shouldn't have told me that.
Dad: Learn. This is reality. Face it.
---..

She already knew :)

When asked for opinion, which sometimes leads to arguments rather than explanations, made her realize that there was no need to ask for an opinion, because the decision was already made. And she thought she is still in undecided state... :)
---..

JD Daydreams

Sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.
---..

"Accidents"

"There are no accidents." Things are done knowingly.

Innocence is a tad bit elaborated when there is actually none. Especially after the real innocence shell is broken.

When she was almost caught on her "accidental" accident, she preferred to stay innocent. A little bit of sadistic pleasure and more on control. After all, there really are no accidents. ;)
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Doubt

Even when independent, why is there a subconscious need for approval? From someone who matters; obviously.
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Finally :)

A control freak is happier when things get back in control. Or at least seem to be in control. That is when she pulls things together and is in control. :)
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Some more whys

Why is standing up to ourselves so repulsive? Why is it so difficult to accept? Why does it become a matter of guts? If there is self respect, pride and some ego, why should it be difficult?

Why is it so difficult to tell people what exactly I feel/think about them? Is it because I'm scared I won't like what I'll hear? Or is it because I'm scared I'll probably be knowing myself lesser than them, or what I am ignorant about myself? Or is it because I want to maintain the friendship and not hurt the person? But what if it is needed to be told? Anyways, whenever it is told, it is never complete. Probably to stop from exceeding the limits.

Why is it so difficult to let go of things/people you really care about?

And finally, why so much of hatred? 
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The World

When I said I don't really care about the world, I guess I meant what it says about me. Probably because it doesn't care what I say either. When I literally look at the world, what all is going on, it all looks shattered. As if everything is wrong in this world. Nature, thinking, philosophy, power, everything gone wrong. And it is so frustrating, because directly, indirectly it does have some effect on me.Nothing seems right.

But then there are some steps, which seems like a step towards something better. A step to stand up to their rights and stand up for themselves. That is a small reassurance.
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Identity

If she has forgotten who she is/was or not being herself, if she really has, then I'm guessing it never really was her.
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Deciding Worth

Sometimes all of it, is really not worth it, even when it sort of defines you or the existence.
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The great pursuit

I heard: when you are unhappy, you just take a step back to where you were happy.
What if you cannot, what then? At present this question to me is like asking, "What happens to me after I am dead?"

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Fraud Jane

Had she really wanted it, she would have pursued it. Letting go is probably giving up; knowing it is not easy. Unless she found something better: an alternative.

She really seems to be a LOT on my mind :)
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Almost there :)

Daddy offered to buy her a glass of red wine. Is that a sign that he sees her as (almost) completely independent lady now? :)
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Jane in Distress

When she gets what she wants, will she want what she gets?

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Right or wrong

Cannot seem to figure out what is right or wrong. Or how to understand and decide what is. What seems right now, may not work for long run. Or what seems right now, might be out of stupid emotions.
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Green

The most difficult thing to handle (even more than rejection) is jealousy. Unpredictable mood change and the types. Cold type is scary.
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Randomness

Surprised that how I thought I don't know a person at all. When talking to someone else, I realized, I subconsciously know everything about that person. If not all the likes; the behavior, character, the whole person, yes.
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Realisations

Some realizations stop you in your tracks. Others take you in new directions. And it is a funny thing to see yourself in that new light. A new beginning.
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Greed

How can some be satisfied with half of what they get from their want and be perfectly happy? Why is it so difficult to accept, and still want almost everything of whatever was/is the want? This pursuit, is it called as being greedy?

Refusing to settle for less. Refusing to let go.
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Wishes

There are so many wishes around me, including mine. Wish to be with this guy you love, wish to stick to the plan. In short, wish to get what everyone wants. And then something comes along and those wishes take a back seat. Some do. And the strength of it being pushed back is known with the force it is said out loud.

Some remain distant. Half already a memory, which will probably remain locked in a box. The want will still be there, which will probably be forgotten slowly with time. After all, cannot have both the choices at the same time.

Some day will get it though :)
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Why?

If it doesn't matter to you, and not that important for you, why is it still bothering you?
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Clarity

"A mind that is burdened with hope is already biased and cannot see with clarity of perception of actually what is."

I got my clarity without actually pointing out the trouble.

I mixed hope and faith. Then came a small ding of understanding that, 'Faith in imaginary is blinding and hope in imaginary kills.' And 'hope tends to corrupt the mind against reality.'

All begins with a desperation to make things right again. Hoping to be given a second chance to do it all over again but in a different way by picking the other choice. And probably that is what is required, to understand that the present choice is better probably because there is attachment to it because of the energy embedded in it. Everything else becomes secondary. Probably.

If there is nothing you can do to make it all right now, don't hope for a second chance. It might probably go down the same lane as now some time later. What was done was done with some weighted thinking, whichever party responsible. What ifs will remain as it is. Accept the reality and let go.

Easier said than done.

"Imaginary" is desperation. Hope becomes expectations. A failure to acknowledge truth because of self deception. But when it is accepted (with courage) it sets you free. Pursuing freedom doesn't.

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