Mending a Broken Mirror

There is some peace in organizing the clutter.
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Reason Why I'm Lucky...

I discovered it's not attachment I'm averse to. I love to be free. I guess that is why my relationship or friendships had started failing after a year. And I'm lucky because my best friend knew this even before I could figure out. :)
Out of whole lot, she understood this. That's why, she is the best one :)


And so the song goes, "Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori'
My reason why I need to get recluse now and then.
"Thodi doori se, zindagi asaan hai
Meri duniya aur uska bhi jahan hai
Hai ziddi ye badi majbooriyan bhi."

Like that simple fact: a goldfish dies faster when its in an aquarium.
That's why this fish needs break now and then :)

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Pseudo congratulations

To the girl who was getting teased :D
A quick lovey dovey doodle :P

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Emochnal Atyaachari

It is much much better when there is plain discussion/arguement without telling the other how to and what to do.
--To that gawar who had the discussion with  me. :)
---..

The Geeky Boy Gentleman

When it comes to a person, I decided not to put a full stop about them anymore. I love the way when something unknown and unexpected part of a person is suddenly revealed.. Like a surprise. It gave me the feeling that, I really don't know that person yet and still there is so much to discover. And honestly, it is best when it is kept that way. Let me discover the unsaid, hidden nature.

Its like, "I show one face to the world when I am really something else". Like abstraction. What looks poker, is actually highly animated. What looks sober, is at times total opposite of it. And when that one streak is discovered, it is amazing.

Today was the day of subtle craziness. Walking out of a "window" from the first floor on the cranky ramp. The best part was, it was known about my infamous accidental nature, still I was allowed to walk down at my own pace. I was trusted and not treated like a kid. For a moment I felt like a princess walking down the broken staircase (the way they were looking at me :P) The geek, took a step forward, just to give me his hand, in case I slipped. No one wanted a cracked bloody skull. This was the best part of my day today. And I found one more piece of my 'want' puzzle. 

Lets be crazy and not overly protective. But give me your hand when I am about to fall. Don't treat me like a baby. Let us be you and me. Let me not say everything, or you. Lets just find out. Simple.

At first, the "hits" on my head were to irritate me. And it slowly transformed to sorta a pat on my head every time bye was said.

And the gentleman will be bloating in an ungentlemanly manner now. :P

Thanks to you, I remembered suddenly changing our plans and driving to a "secret place", climbing up a wall there with my best friend, just to sit and watch the sun set, silently. :)
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The types :D

There are simply two types of people:
 1. The dig deep,analyze everything, talk philosophy, share poems, talk medieval and science and such stuff. I enjoy that! There is bonding, and that is one thing.
2. The have fun people. Everything is simple and direct for them. To hell with analyze else types, let me just enjoy types. And that company is a pleasant change for me! 

What surprised me was, I am both of them. And I can be whoever when ever I want to be. And I enjoy being both of them! Silent to hyper happy.And that's when I realized, I'm really very happy. "Enjoy life. It is perfect." I didn't expect to come out from me. It is perfect. :) It was someone's gyan given in a cruder way, which I gave back it seems :P

It is perfect. :)
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Fly

A bird he is, meant to be free, soar high in the air and fly. Took a long sweet shelter under the tree, when it rained all night. Morning came along with the rain, caged in home he sighed. The days went by, the leaves now dried, autumn it was not spring. The last leaf fell with a gentle sway, the sun shined bright in his eyes. Time flew by, he never realized he missed being up in air. Hopped on his feet looking at skies, “fly how should I?” he asked in vain.

Distant memories of flying with wind, high up with a merry song. Flapped his wing, which he thought he had forgotten was there in him all along.

You my dear bird, born with free soul, what have you seem to forgotten? A hasty end to a beautiful beginning, is that what you want?

Open your wings wide, flap them now, let all your fears fall aside. Take a deep breath, and fall in the air, let happiness fly with you this time.

Something I wrote for someone intentionally without that person asking me, many months back.

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Rain Memories

Today: 30 March, 2010
Tuesday
10:18 PM
(E, this is for u :) )
I surprised myself with how I really do enjoy the small things now.

It rained real hard today. The first drop of rain on my forehead, instantly made me smile bringing back all the memories.

The initial inhibitions. Wanting to do it, but killing the desire. Once the walls are broken, wonderful memories are made. One touch, reminded me of those memories.

Breaking those inhibitions made me realize how much I love rains.

Dressed in yellow, standing in the balcony, leaning on the railing and getting drenched in the rain. Smiling and enjoying it, just because someone had told me to try it... And it was worth!

 Irritated-ly standing under one umbrella with my best friend when it was raining very hard. Just because she was stubborn and had a surprise in her head which I was totally unaware of it. She making me splish splash in the rain finally to see the shocked expression on my face. Her way of showing love.

It’s written on my face how I want to try it when I’m denying it, she reading it and pulling me out without my consent. Jumping in the puddle splashing the water around and giggling. Pure fun.

Riding on her bike and it suddenly starts raining. She refuses to stop when I ask her to park. And realizing then how much I actually enjoy it.

Calling up that someone special when it’s raining; just because I wanted to share that moment with that someone.  A silent way of saying how much I love you.

It was beautiful. How easy it was to speak without inhibitions. Rain always gave that moment of breaking that wall. It does now too. Just that the walls are back again. Some things cannot be done as it was done before. Distances hurt.

It still is beautiful.

It just made me realize, clouds always have to go. Always. The sun always shines. We believe in it. I believe in it. There is no hoping here.  I am yet to see if it is true in general issues too.

Believe. :)                                

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Answering the "Why?"

It might be insignificant and not important at this moment. All I know is it gave me some peace, to some extent and helped me understand me better. It will be the same with everyone else too. Just that they won’t be realizing it. No one will be having the patience to stop and think for a while and ask, “Why?”

It did agitate me for many days. “Why?” The change. The behaviour. The distancing. The happiness. The everything. It’s beautiful, the human mind. How it works. I guess the quote was right, “Reality is an illusion”. Illusion because I really didn’t see what I was doing. “Why?” Now I know why.

Its subconscious mind’s game. It’s my own mind’s game.

Something disastrous happens. Obviously it’s not wanted. First thing the mind tries to do is, “refuse”. Refuse to accept it. Refuse to believe it happened. But then some time later, it sets in. And the next thing that mind tires to do is, “block”. Block everything. Every feeling, negativity. Everything that has to do with the disaster. Memories are blocked. There is a slow change in character. Some become passive. Some become tough.

The one who become tough act like nothing had ever happened and they have moved on with their lives. They act as if nothing is stopping them. Nothing actually can. And in actual reality, nothing really can stop them. They refuse to listen to complains. They refuse to go down. They become insensitive to people around them. Insensitive to anything about them. They just don’t care. Distances created. Act indifferent to everything. What they don’t realize is that this is what they are trying to do with themselves to get over the disaster. They are being tough on themselves, not others. They are being insensitive to themselves, not others. That is because they want to go ahead. An attempt to try make themselves strong. Their behaviour is nothing but a reflection on how they actually want their mind to be. What they actually want to be. Just that its not realized. When the question, “why” is put up, then starts the torture to understand. It takes up lot of time. Time is wasted in the process, but then there is some mental peace later. And some more understanding of self. That’s when you will be comfortable with self.

The one who become passive maybe they just go into depression. They are in constant denial. Constant hope that it never really  happened. Constant hope that it will be fine. Maybe be just praying to god, hoping their prayers will be answered when they fail to realize that it’s just them who have to do something.

There is no one but you yourself to say, “Everything will be all right. Trust me”. You are your own motivation.

Sure, distances are created. There is some loneliness because of this indifference and whatever behavior. But then, “Everything will be all right. Trust me.”

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Ugly Truth

There used to be a time when people “acting” would irritate me. Not irritate me; it would make me feel sick from inside. It is like “being” genuine. Now I guess I'm learning to ignore it.

It oozes out in their tone. The honey, silky falsie concern for a friend. It is so obvious they are trying to be “in”. Trying to be “in” the society to be accepted, loved, cared and blah blahs. It is defined in the Maslow’s Hierarchy (society needs ... just learnt about it :) )

I still don’t understand this. How can others actually bear it? It gets on my nerves when I get to listen to that tone on me. (still ignoring :))

But society is kinda important. I’m contradicting myself here. It is because I’ve to live in it. I can’t be alone for long.

I don’t even know if the way I am being is right. I show concern when it is required and when it is genuine. I can’t pretend anymore. I tell what I feel. If sweet words when said again and again in loops are not understood, I go bit tough. Too many complains and never working on it gets on my nerves. I tell it. Sometimes it hurts them, but then they get the point. People, who are smart and understand me, take what I had to say and let go. Of hurt that is... Because it’s simple: it is finally understood. It is their wish to accept it or discard it. Things are said only when asked.

Maybe this thing in me is making me distance myself from honey toned people.

This stuff is boring, but it really makes me think a lot. Why be something else on face and something else behind? What is the point? If there is really some concern or really something to be told, why not tell it on face? It hurts yea, but then it hurts lesser than getting to know it from someone else. (Be it anything good or bad)

Why can’t the tone be normal and genuine? And tell them only when you mean it? That will be more convincing.

I don’t know. I guess I’m expecting an honest world ... Honesty out of everyone.

It’s not you, it’s me.

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A Stranger and Me

A stranger, yet a friend. Every insignificant detail is known by that stranger. It is because I chose to tell ‘em. Yet that stranger somehow manages to know the exact character and puts it in one word, when I struggle to put it in sentences.

It is scary.

A tone is enough to understand by the stranger what I refuse to accept. It is said out loud by the stranger and I stubbornly refuse to admit. Reasons are given; it is pride that is talking.

The truth is: it is accepted, just that it is not said out loud. Pride you see... Here comes the act of ‘different’ pretending, “I’m strong.” Saying those things, sometimes integrates it in us I guess. Saying it out loud is self convincing. Helps sometimes.

There is this struggle of accepting the change. Something sudden new is not obviously warm heartedly welcome in some comfortable world. A mess. Some fights. But in the end, “I understand” is said. Perfect. No explanations. Ends the topic right there. Space is given right there. Friendship is resumed right then.

What surprises me is, this entire thing works with a stranger. But never did it work with some close anyones. Maybe that is how it is when there are no expectations...

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Psyche

Funny thing about humans: they are distressed. Some trivial matter has upset them. Or something of importance has hurt them. The face is all small and low. Proudly they’ll say, “leave me alone, I’ll be all right” or maybe just speak something else and tell its nothing or maybe speak about it and still give away nothing. It is completely their wish, true.

But the funnier part was this: even when they say they want to be left alone, deep inside they want someone to fight against them and be there around them. Even if they say, “I’ll be fine” and try to shoo someone away, what they really want is to be asked what it is and give small help. Or at least make them smile and distract them. And let them know that they are cared for, or that you are there for them. That is all.

It is not just with them. I guess some part of me wants it too when I’m hurt. I’m a human too :)

I wouldn’t have realized this, unless this friend of mine hadn’t given herself away by that sms she sent at the end of the day. I wouldn’t have thought over this now, and realized I’m no different in this matter.

I’ve seen, and done it a few times myself too: we try and show we are different. We try and find someone different. Then I realized, why do I need to show I’m different? Or try and prove that? Everyone doesn’t matter to me (If they’re interested, they can find out themselves ;)). The ones who do, know who I am. Why take the pains. If I’m different, I have no reason to flaunt it. If I’m different, I’ll just enjoy it.

When will a person want to “show” he/she is different? Why will a person do something when someone finds it different? When that person wants to please people or a person. I had done that. And I realized it’s not worth! Done with pleasing people. And somehow these simple things are learnt from unrelated interactions. I’m not here to please.

So surprising how easily we let ourselves forget who we are in an attempt to please. There are surprisingly some beautiful relations existing where nothing is done to please. I’ve one. And it is amazing feeling for a change not trying to please or show. There are no expectations. There is no trying to be. Its just being yourself without any reason to please or do it for the heck of it. It’s like I’ve found myself all over again. And this is amazing. :)

P.S. If Mr. W is reading, this is to tell you, I’m not spending time on blog. I’ll get back to ‘real’ business. I’m just putting my thoughts in words. (reply I’m guessing will be, “ya sure” or “f*** u!” ;D)   

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Solitude

  Sometimes there is this unknown desire to avoid everyone’s company still at the same time wanting one specific company. And ironically, the same is unknown too.  When decide to pick and call one, it’s just pushed away.

Sometimes there is this sudden desire to see; suddenly I become quiet and look at everyone, observe the surrounding. Just see. And then the same feeling of avoiding comes in. Wanting to stay in my dungeon again.

Sometimes there are some words bursting to come out; but what I hear is that soft guitar piece from a song. Those pieces are the words wanting to form into a poem unsuccessfully; resulting in sinking into “avoidance” mode; mode of wanting to be away from everything. I can’t take this as running away from things. Of that I’m sure.

I don’t have the patience to explain myself to people. I’ve given up on society. It doesn’t bother me. What irritates me is the questioning: “What happened? Why are you avoiding us?” I’m not doing it on purpose.  Some things should be understood. And sometimes, you should just give space.

Me acting like this is definitely making me realize I’m distancing myself from people, putting even more strains on relations. But then this all has made me see who really my friends are. They know the real me to an extent and even after me behaving like this and hurting them, they are still there for me whenever I call. At least they do understand. A silent understanding.

There is no point in this particular thought. It’s one of those moments when the bubbles just want to escape.

Just that I really don’t need to give explanations to people who understand me and have accepted how I am. (I guess I don't need to give explanations to anyone at all!) This is the beauty. Attachment. Understanding. Caring.  Some do know I distance myself wanting to be alone with my space, but then I do come back to them. Maybe I’m wrong. Only a few will know. Doesn’t matter anyway.

I need solitude. Sometimes there is this huge feeling of not seeing anyone’s face for few days, or even weeks. Not even talk. This is hard to understand why. It’s hard to understand by people that how a person can be alone!  I guess one who questions this, is not comfortable in one’s own company. Insecure or too bothered about people thinking of them to be a looser...

Again a silent blabbering.

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Forget me not...

Forget me not

I’m your memory

Forget me not

I am you

I used to make a big deal of forgetting whatever memory that gave me pain. Blocking every damn thing that had made me cry and hurt me. I thought there is no place for sadness or pain in my life and I have to erase it. And I did it. I almost did.

Months back, a friend comes back to me and asks me, “Do you remember how we used to do this....” And I am shocked with myself that everything is so distant and lost. This one was happy, but around the painful part. What was wrong with this one that I made it so faint?

I was ruthless and told the friend about my theory. I didn’t realize how hurtful it could be. I didn’t understand his desperate attempts to keep it alive in me. And I would wonder why so much of pain was taken to keep it alive. And recently just the thought of one good friend forgetting me forever was like sucking air out of me.

It was so cowardly of me! Running away just because it had hurt me! What the hell?! There’s much more than this, to life and to me. I was such a sissy to give up!

This part of a song exactly fits to the feeling I’m feeling and yelling out now:

The struggles I’m facing

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But, no I’m not breaking

I may not know when

But these are the moments that

I’m gonna remember most yea

Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong

Just keep pushing on

But there’s always be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to loose

Ain’t no bout how fast I’ll get there

Ain’t no bout what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

He was right. If I say, “This is it” then it will be that. If I say, “This is the beginning. A new star’’ then it will be that. Life goes on the way I ride it.

Something shouldn’t be so controlling on me that I’ll start destroying the element of me. I was late. Better late than never... At least now I know who and what is important in my life. Thanks kiddo. I wish you were here right now and I could tell it that I finally understood what you felt. I was stupid to take try and take something so precious away from me.

If not for these memories there would have been no learning. These memories itself are element of me and for me learning things and coming up stronger. Memories are beautiful even if sad. Just that I shouldn’t let it hurt me. Nothing can. I’m finally so blissful that nothing can! J

All I know is everything that happened is now a part of my life. There is no point denying it. However hard I yell, it will still be the same. I can just smile and move on. Everything is precious to forget. I can’t be so brutal on myself, can I? If I remove it, I’m tearing me apart. I can just store it in the attic and never touch it.

Forgetting is not easy. I guess it’s ok to regret. That way I’ll know what not to repeat next time. Regret is like acknowledging a mistake. And my chemistry lecturer used to say, “Fools repeat a mistake twice”. But I should regret and leave it there I guess and not hang on to it and think so much over it that I forget what I actually have to do next.

Life is a climb.

Addict

Can't get enough. Greedy, greedy me. He's like my cup of coffee. Once get a whiff of it, a frenzy begins. Have to taste more and more of it. Then comes an unavoidable control; and somehow the essence fades, until the next avoidable encounter.

If not avoided, the loop begins.

The link is beautiful and innocent. Honest and sweet. The sunset is brilliant even when its cloudy. Even the mornings are warm when it is foggy . 

That's what is addictive.

Little Things..

There are those little things that make me so happy... Little insignificant to others, but for me it does make me smile. Some help me keep my faith in things which is on the verge of breaking. And some, make me feel loved and cared.

Saying out those little things helps make some new bond and helps strengthen some old bonds. They touch me so much that its surprising that I have the capacity to feel so much out of so many " normal" things. Normal in others eyes. Somehow they end up being special to mine. Its beautiful to feel them. I won't have some for now, but I do feel for their fairy tales... I feel happy.

For instance, this classmate of mine, who's love is so strong for his girl that he can go to lengths to protect her. Its surprising that their love story started even when I couldn't explain or understand love. They were that young. And its still strong.

Have one friend of mine stare at his girl (who again is a friend). And that look in his eyes says it all. No words required. I can't help feeling wonderful and at the same time feeling what all I've to yet experience and what I missed by being rash at times.

Letting a person know that I find his smile infectious (was not through me) and that I like him (not to take me the wrong way). I was genuinely happy when I saw him in college after a long break. I guess me turning and giving him a broad smile twice said it all. And then yesterday, I acknowledged whatever my other friend told him was right by giving him a knowing smile. He stopping by and talking. Both of us smiling. It made me feel happy all over again (I was sulking ).

Getting hugs from my friends when I miss my mom.

Burying my head in her shoulders when I miss something very bad, to hide my tears in public and she patting my back in response, understanding, and not questioning. Just some calm sound to sooth me.

Teasing me and infuriating to an extent that I'll not look at their faces. And then they making me smile by giving me my favorite chocolate bar. Happy all over again.

A piece of soft sweet music... Listening to it when uncertain and scared. Letting it fill me with peace, like right now. Or listening to a loud rock and walking fast with a friend as a company and letting all the frustrations burn out.

Feeling all these little things has me all grown up. Matured. There is no more of whining. I guess I realized I won't always get what I want. I can still try.

I guess I realized people always go, and I can't always be selfish to keep them.

I really surprise myself by being able to feel so much. All these and much more. Different emotions and situations...

I had allowed myself to believe when people called me emotionless. I was so wrong. I feel much more than others. I have the capacity to feel everything. Capacity to receive and give... I have the capacity to hold myself strong. I am.

I just have to learn to be patient.

Right now, I can enjoy and feel everyone's fairy tale lives around me. Mine will come. With time. I can't help feeling jealous now and then though. I'm with reality. I'll wait for mine.

I learnt to tell all those tiny things that make me happy about others to them. Not keep it in and admire it from distant.

In the end about being happy. No matter what.

Learn. Grow and walk ahead.

Flashback (smirk)

You don’t have to experience a near death experience to see your whole life flash in front of you. Who has time for the whole flash back any ways? Unless you think you have eternity of time free in front of you. (Read: jobless)

Some memories or some instances are enough to trigger the whole time spent with that special person. Brings smile. Who cares about the rest? It’s easy to block and forget the painful ones, like it never ever happened. There’s lot more to think about and do than to sit and ponder over bullshits.

This was just a reason. Bacche if you ever happen to read this, I miss you a lot kiddo. I was comfortable around you. Very much myself. I smiled a lot and needed no reason, because it was you. Even sitting side by side and being silent didn’t matter. It still was very natural and comfortable. Your hug is still pending bacche.

All this was just a complicated way to say I miss you. You are the sweetest person I ever met till now : )

Reality

This world is really so small, and so is our lifetime. You never know what will happen when.

Imagine this (supposition): it was just last week I spoke to her, my best friend. Had a fight and didn’t speak. Today I get the news she’s that she’s no more. I feel shocked and numb. The fight seems unbelievably small. The only thought that would have been in my mind was if only I would have spoken to her and made it all right. If only I could talk to her one more time. In the end, all that matters is your relationship, not the fight.

It took me long to realize this. All that matters is, I finally did. :)

Whatever happens, only thing that hits back later is memories. And surprisingly only the good ones do. The times we laughed, we made fun of each other, we pulled each other’s leg, the overnight stay, the time we called up late night and spoke for hours, saying out loud, "I love you and miss u" if we missed each other... Even in these times, memories haunt back and make us smile.

It really makes me wonder now, does it really matter? Nothing lasts yes. The fights, the blah blah, or any damned relationship. What lasts is only friendship. So does it really matter?

What’s best is, put aside the ego in time (sometimes it does take very long time :)) and smile. Talk again as if nothing ever happened. All that matters is we are best friends. Love stays. To hell with everything else and make some more memories. Else only memories remain...

What’s the best out of the two?


Ps: It really happened with a friend of mine, which was another slap back to reality. Made me enjoy and value whatever I have around me more. People come and go, but once gone, they never come back.

Thank You :)

Just when I was on the verge of giving up, these guys helped me.
Just when I thought I'm alone, these guys were there for me.
This post is dedicated to them.

I want to thank them for reminding me my strength when I thought I am weak.
Some of them didn't even realize that they had helped me. A small gesture or talk was enough for me.

I know I'm doing something I never did here. But then there's always the first time for everything :)

Thank you guys:

MJ - I'll get back to you for troubling me, you monkey butt! But then, you embarrassed me so much with my own message that day that I wont mention the "k" or "s" word again. If you are smart, you'll understand what I'm talking. :P

Thanks for the cake. I actually enjoyed blowing the candle on the cupcake. ;).
Its ok to show that you do care, you JA. :)

Dolly - You helped me put a full stop. Lets keep more of sudden visits. I love you! Oh and that tearing part has really helped me :D

Eleena - Thanks for slapping me :D I need that now and then to get my head back on track.

Villain - You made me see myself in my old light again. Thanks for reminding me that I've much better things ahead of me.

You were the wasp who had stung me back to my senses. :D Your treat is due when I next land in Mumbai. Pakka. :D

Apoorva - Thanks for giving my number to Prathiba Ballal Ma'm. You know how things went after that :) Thanks for listening to me. I realized many things when I was talking with you.

Ishan - You listened to me without yelling back when I took out my frustrations on you. I'm sholly. I am really happy our chemistry is the same now as it was back in school. :) (See, I mentioned you :D )

Karan - I enjoy being a kid around you. I mean it brings it out. Keep yelling at me to ping back at you. :)

and the special of all

Jiya - She just smiled at me everyday, making me smile broadly when she displayed her two cute chutu teeths. . I would just love it when she would "hug" and fall asleep on me. I miss you baabu and I love you a lot.

A lesson

Life is full of surprise. I mean you never know what you are gonna learn, when and how. The lesson might hit you bad on your face, or just come by as a sweet melody..

I learnt a lesson today. Learnt it by getting slapped by it (ie the bad way)... I learnt, however much you care about a person, sometimes its best not to show it.. naa on second thoughts, most of the times its best not to show it.. Sometimes its best to just let it be. Its best to wait for them to speak their heart out when they feel like. Its best in a situation like this to be quiet. To be a quiet company, to talk when they feel like. Just be quiet and make your presence felt, make them feel that you'r there no matter what. A feeling which has to be felt by them, given by you. Else you'll end up getting insulted by them, even when they wont mean to hurt you.

Its called as frustration baby.. But then who likes getting insulted and then go through that ritual of "'m sorry" and "I didn't mean to blah blah" and waste n number of money by messaging all this... I mean so much of time and emotions can be saved. So much of time can be saved by being normal. Just one small "I need your quiet company" would do wonders. The other person, if a good friend, will understand and give you your space, and walk quietly. Its as simple as that.

So this is what I learnt. And as my chemistry ma'm used to tell in class "Only fools repeat a mistake twice". I got her message loud and clear. What learnt is etched. No repeatation entertained. ;)