A Midnight Conversation

With no reason, a spontaneous conversation.

 Me: When the mind gets tired of repetitive things, it tends to give up by giving into frustrations. I don’t know if this is right. Holding on to it is killing.

You: Giving into frustration. Didn’t get that.

Me: What happens when things don’t go right? Or don’t work the way you want it? You fight back, stay strong, right? When you stop fighting or give up on things, that is giving into frustration.

You: But sometimes isn’t it wiser to step back and give up fighting for a lost cause?

Me: But the mind is so stubborn. I don’t know what makes it not want to believe that it’s a lost cause. The thing called hope, a stubborn mind relies on it, not a normal one. Observe :)

You: If the mind has given up too? Then what? How much can you delude yourself, under the name of “hope”?

Me: That’s what. There are two minds. 1. The stubborn one. 2. The given up, tired one. The second one says, “You are deluded. Get over it already!” Somehow strong one appeals to me and the circle of frustration continues.

You: Yea well the third should exist, for telling the other two to get real and stop dwelling on things that have negligible impact on the bigger picture that is your life. :)

Me:  The third mind is created! Got a solution now. :) This again sounds subtly like giving up. Asking the first mind to shut up. Speaks a lot. :D It’s asking me, “Giving up on what you wanted. Isn’t this what made a fragment of your life?” Damn yaar, it never gives up!

You: Unnecessary, inconclusive backtalk is all the first mind can do. And the second mind is a weakling, defeated creature. Don’t like either. Loving the third one: smart, practical and highly sarcastic! Fragment will always be a fragment, however big. But will you throw away your whole life for it? I’m thinking along these terms.

Me:  3. The Cynic. Gives temporary relief, yea. Somehow first always comes back. I used to think, small fragments are as important as big chunks. They do add up to a picture. Just like mom is not completely dressed without her bindi.

You: The first one has to come back after a while, yea. But by then, it will have more mature things to hope for. The cynic teaches a lesson and experience to the hope, to emerge stronger. But would she give up dressing just because she cannot find the right bindi? For then, what would be more crucial?

Me: I’m loving the Cynic. He said, “Look at what you just said about the “li’l fragments”. Really, is everything that important to you?” I replied, “Only the ones that mean a lot to me.” Retorts back, “Oh really?” Yes, that is what I meant by this previous message. I love that Cynic. :) Somehow makes everything light. And everything seems rational. :)

You: The Cynic always questions, how many fragments are you gonna have in your life? Life is continuity. Just like a movie. All the scenes shot are not present in the final cut. You edit the unnecessary part to include only the important fragments, to give it an continuous flow.

Me:  Exactly! This is what he meant by “Oh really?” The cynic never explains re. He has his cynicism, one line, says it all. Shuts others mouth off. :D

You: The mind can be divided into a thousand parts to rationalize with itself. But what about the heart? How can you split that from everything to make sense?

Me: There is no heart here. It’s too emotional. It screws everything. And it cannot think. This is the cynic speaking. Man, I love him! Cleared my head.

You: Yes. But can the cynic take over the heart? Who is bigger?

Me: It has at present. It has tagged heart as dumb. “It cannot think rationally or logically!” Shut up you! But there is nothing as generous as heart.

You: Heart is bigger. It keeps all things close. The cynic eventually becomes the philosopher, the wise one. Only then it can keep up with the hope in the heart.

Me: Cynic overtaking: “It’s bigger yes. It complicates. It hesitates. It’s dumb. Very emotional. It frustrates you. Mute it for a while. You’ll feel better. Can decide better and faster. Listen to the wise one.”

See it was my heart talking about small fragments; cynic talked me out of it. You cannot fall for it after you dismissed it. It’s like confused, two minds. Listen to one.

You: Wow! That’s quite a convo to have at 12 30 in the night! :D

Me: I know. :D Interesting one too. :) Mind is shutting down now. Zhop aata! Udya continue karu.

You: Chalel. Good convo though. To be continued..

Good night.

--..

Lucky?

What can be more valuable than life? Love doesn’t even count there.

Thinking can stop. (Even though I will claim I wasn’t.) Total detachment of mind, is not that difficult. The importance of fraction of second, I learnt today.

I sure am damn lucky. There is still so much more to see. The aftermath of shock is indescribable.

All I could think in the end was that my list won’t be left undone. :)

---..

Detachment from attachment?

I made a friend of mine almost cry yesterday (yea, notorious me :P)
How?
It was a casually said statement on complete detachment after college ends. And I never knew she was so attached to me. And I am blind to others who might be attached to me. I never got attached. I refuse to attach.

Ruthless and mean. An unannounced departure with no specific promise of return. Very unceremonious, ungraceful way of getting recluse. Queries are unanswered, and "gracefully" welcomed with curses when arrive unannounced again. I can see they care. And it is beautiful that some understand this flaw of wanting to go away in me now and don't misunderstand it. Had bad history on it :P

It all must be a self protection mechanism. Darwin's theory of Survival of the Fittest. If you don't develop a strong immunity to a recurring problem, you'll succumb to it. That is the theory. And it stands true. Probably once hurt and misunderstood made me build a strong impermeable wall. I am seeing me first and I don't want me to be hurt, again.

Result: Detachment from attachment.
Simple and doesn't hurt.
And I know this is not healthy or good. I cannot be like this, "unstable" sorts, especially if I ever fall in love, again.(With this rate? yea right!) One burn was enough for me :P

My shadow

August 15, 2010
Sunday
Its 2:17 am. I'm wide awake. I walk in the dark to get a glass of water. I thought I saw something, a silhouette sort of, and I almost shrieked!

My own shadow scared me. It was the fridge light bouncing off me on a wall, forming an enlarged shadow, which I thought was not me at all. That is when I understood how it REALLY feels to be scared, or how it REALLY feels when scared. Its as if someone is squeezing your heart tight, and its rebelling by beating very fast.

This night, I didn't trust my own shadow, for I thought its someone else. How bad is this?
Mr. Hitler, was it you who said, "When you are in light, everything will follow you. But when you enter dark, even your own shadow will not follow you."? I'm beginning to agree more and more with you. :)

---..

Jump

I think I'm falling in love :)

At times I just want to jump into ultra professional world even if (probably) I'm not cut perfectly for it yet. Still it is amazing. Full of interesting people which I don't find in "regular" world now. Even though papa says everyone is interesting in their own way, still not everyone catches my attention. Once my attention is caught, the flow of conversation is amazing!

Talking about stuffs which both of us are passionate about. Interesting stuff, stuffs worth thinking about maybe small (or BIG :) ) philosophy, or psychology, or something on new technology, where knowledge is increasing, abundantly. It is a feeling of belonging. Mature company, which I've been yearning for months now. Where asking questions is not interpreted as being illiterate in stuffs and interpreted as want to learn more. No bullshit talks, no silly things, which I agree are required sometimes, cannot be serious all the time you see. But I enjoy sober at times too. At times gives the feeling of not wasting time.

There are friends who talk all this. And I enjoy conversations like that. 

All of a sudden I want to take this jump and meet more and more interesting people. I was scared of this world at first yes, but now I just want to dive in it! Just waiting to get out of meaninglessness. :)
---..

Everyone says, "It will be fine"

This has sort of started to irritate me now. "It will be fine." It has to be yes. But what is irritating me is the possibilities and the probabilities. Failing to understand what EXACTLY it is that I want. Failing to recognize what is right and wrong. And then I listen to the ghise pite dialogue, "There is nothing called as right or wrong." 

"Stay positive." Sometimes I wonder if this is similar to being in an illusion. Positive that it will be fine when its "probably" lost. Ignoring the other probabilities because the "right" or the "positive" one makes us feel fine. Its almost like running away from what actually is. Then again, how to know what actually is?

Trying to stay positive is like pretending to me. Pretending everything is going to work out just fine. Like lying to self. And I hate lying. (White lie is acceptable.) When I say this, it is tagged as you are "being negative" when all I say is I am being realistic. At times the lines blur so bad that I fail to see what is right there in front of me and end up feeling helpless.

It seems all messed up. What to believe in and what not to. It is ok I guess to feel scared sometimes. Maybe when they ask to "stay positive",  all they are saying is to "try" and stay happy. Pretending is so tiring and draining. Holds true for staying sad too. So there I get confused! Which one to choose? Whichever works the best for the moment and relieves.

I am different at different times with different people. Sometimes I become different because of some incident or probably because of some subconscious barrier. It used to make me wonder, who really I am. Then I reached a conclusion that I am all of them. I am all of them because I am not a lie at those moments. Pretending is tiring. So probably this is called as being myself. There is no specific one me, still it is me. I wish this was the case with the possibilities too. There are different possibilities, which vary at different times. Vary in different moods. Wish all the possibilities work in my favour, whatever it be. Hopeful? :D

At times I feel when people or I say, "I am trying to stay positive" what they are actually doing without realizing is turning away from the truth. "I am trying to stay positive" = "I don't want to listen to the truth" And saying, It will be fine. Or probably it is not. I can be very wrong. Maybe I'm very paranoid right now because of which probably I am not able to draw a clear line.

The only thing which works right for me right now is being myself. And not trying to be someone else for someone's eyes to see. Whatever gives relief. Controlling, in whichever way or method.

Everyone says, "You will be fine."
I say, "I know I will" instead of , "I hope so."

This is called as being positive eh? :)
---..