Forget me not...

Forget me not

I’m your memory

Forget me not

I am you

I used to make a big deal of forgetting whatever memory that gave me pain. Blocking every damn thing that had made me cry and hurt me. I thought there is no place for sadness or pain in my life and I have to erase it. And I did it. I almost did.

Months back, a friend comes back to me and asks me, “Do you remember how we used to do this....” And I am shocked with myself that everything is so distant and lost. This one was happy, but around the painful part. What was wrong with this one that I made it so faint?

I was ruthless and told the friend about my theory. I didn’t realize how hurtful it could be. I didn’t understand his desperate attempts to keep it alive in me. And I would wonder why so much of pain was taken to keep it alive. And recently just the thought of one good friend forgetting me forever was like sucking air out of me.

It was so cowardly of me! Running away just because it had hurt me! What the hell?! There’s much more than this, to life and to me. I was such a sissy to give up!

This part of a song exactly fits to the feeling I’m feeling and yelling out now:

The struggles I’m facing

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But, no I’m not breaking

I may not know when

But these are the moments that

I’m gonna remember most yea

Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong

Just keep pushing on

But there’s always be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to loose

Ain’t no bout how fast I’ll get there

Ain’t no bout what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

He was right. If I say, “This is it” then it will be that. If I say, “This is the beginning. A new star’’ then it will be that. Life goes on the way I ride it.

Something shouldn’t be so controlling on me that I’ll start destroying the element of me. I was late. Better late than never... At least now I know who and what is important in my life. Thanks kiddo. I wish you were here right now and I could tell it that I finally understood what you felt. I was stupid to take try and take something so precious away from me.

If not for these memories there would have been no learning. These memories itself are element of me and for me learning things and coming up stronger. Memories are beautiful even if sad. Just that I shouldn’t let it hurt me. Nothing can. I’m finally so blissful that nothing can! J

All I know is everything that happened is now a part of my life. There is no point denying it. However hard I yell, it will still be the same. I can just smile and move on. Everything is precious to forget. I can’t be so brutal on myself, can I? If I remove it, I’m tearing me apart. I can just store it in the attic and never touch it.

Forgetting is not easy. I guess it’s ok to regret. That way I’ll know what not to repeat next time. Regret is like acknowledging a mistake. And my chemistry lecturer used to say, “Fools repeat a mistake twice”. But I should regret and leave it there I guess and not hang on to it and think so much over it that I forget what I actually have to do next.

Life is a climb.

Me 1, 2, 3...

Today: 27 Dec, 2009
8:40 P M
Sunday

After a long time I realized this, I guess I’ve been taking care of so many people around me that I guess it had become a stagnant thing that I would take care of everyone around me I knew and liked (I make an awesome show of, “I don’t care about u” though). Then yesterday, this person who I sometimes feel is a mirror of me kinda let down his guard. (Or must have been acting, who knows?) It felt good to be taken care of by someone as strong as me, or maybe much more or less, who knows? But it felt good to be taken care by a person who is sure of himself and is in control (or acts in control), if only for a moment. There was a tone of authority, but only for me get out of to monotone of “disinterested to do it” attitude. There was no tone of demanding for explanations.

But then yesterday was too much; so much that it felt maybe weird when we got up the next morning. At least I did. It felt out of place. It was nice, but out of place. (I guess other friend of mine was right when the comment was made, "You like been taken care of sometimes". Was too egoistic to admit :D)

I blabber. I talk small insignificant things with him, after I let my guard down too. I wish I stop being like that. Like being one person with one and something else with other, in sharing sense. But on the other hand sometimes I feel it’s safe. I always wanted this right: not wanting anyone to know me totally. I don’t regret letting one know me to some extent because I’m not the same as that person knew anymore, anyways so what’s the point? I don’t understand should I care enough about this? Or should I just let it be and totally be being however I am with different people. At least if I’m comfortable in that skin of mine, I don’t mind... at least every part of me gets a chance to live, thanks to those people. Still I’m the whole total me with myself, like right now, and it does feel weird when I’m parts and parts of me with different people. I guess it must be the rain and the self company making me talk like this. Who am I kidding? Me? Duh!!

Just go with the flow baby! No point thinking here!

Talk, but what?

Today: 27 Dec, 2009
11:20 PM
Sunday

Sometimes there is this great urge to talk to someone. Talk out everything that is there in my head (don’t mean complains, I’m sick and done with it).But when I try and see who do I want to talk to, there is this big blank person. There is no one in friends that I feel like talking to. But still, I want to talk to that blank.

I feel solace when I talk to myself later. But I’m not that blank. The feeling of solace when you talk out to someone is different than the solace with self. Sometimes self solace is better, but this case is different. Then I counter back, “Is it necessary?”

It is something I miss. And then I question, “Miss what? Bloody you have everything you want!” I feel like saying, “I miss you.” And then I reply, “Duh! You are talking to everyone. Anyone you want is near you!” Sometimes I just want to talk insignificant things, significant things and ask, “Is that ok?” “Is that ok if I’m not sure sometimes and ask you?” But then what things? It’s there in my head, but then again it’s like a wordless song.

It is a weird feeling I’ve been trying to decipher. It is all mixed. Along with all that, there is this mixed feeling to share out. Share out what, again I’ve to decipher. Sounds fun but very frustrating! There no more is a void. There is this comforting feeling of completeness, still this weird feeling. That is what is killing me!

I never had this urge to talk. Never was the need, I had me. I still have me, so what’s the problem? Plus I don’t even know what is that talk or what is it that I'm missing!

Void, blank whatever you call it! Unpleasant feeling! I don’t like it.

Mr/Ms blank!

Strength

Its like putting on that armor, standing right in the between the battle field, a sword protecting the heart. Its like standing firm, with solid metal around with mirrors in front; facing whatever comes. Whatever it is, it will reflect back whatever comes, leaving me unharmed.

There is strong aura around. You feel it emerging from me, like the brilliant rays of the sun. Too bright for you to see and too easy to feel.

I'm the black hole for pessimism.

Once I believe in it totally, there is no stopping. This is the beauty of strength. And strength gives determination.

I radiate bubbling optimism, full of energy. You can soak into it and pick it oozing from me, like the heat from the sun.

Too bright and beautiful. Too strong and powerful.

This is my strength.

Mixed Emotions

Some things really will never change. I thought it has cos I had forgotten things long back. I thought it has cos I thought I lost myself. Foundation will never go.

I am happy that I am able to express myself as exactly as I was able to. I could tell this person, " You know what? Its easy to talk to you.. You don't irritate me or put me through things.. So its nice talking to u, as a change.. There is no compulsion to tell everything.. And can talk just anything. I like that." And the best part was, there were no questions. It was accepted and perfectly understood by that person without taking any unreasonable offense. I really liked it. Its after so long I got this type of company. Its a normal talk, and when it ends I'm still calm. It was like a light company, being completely ourselves, without any need to "act" to put each other at ease, or without any "act" to show things off and say 'I'm the only one' kind, or trying to show 'life's great!!' (Not that all the conversations with friends are like that, just that its not easy going, run out of topics and was like 'I pinged you, just like that' kind.) It was natural, none of all those things I talked about. The talk was all about simple, small things. All those nothings which do mean something. Like remembering all those small things about myself. I liked this even more. I so missed it.

I am happy I've not forgotten everything. I saw a picture of a place and every memory was fresh. It felt nice seeing that place after so long, it has all nice memories attached to it... It made me feel nostalgic. The want to touch it and breath in it again.

Thoughts are so uncontrolled that it scares me. Some thoughts really need a full stop. I don't know how to put that self control yet. It is very scary when I of all will question my own worth to myself. Its like I don't trust me anymore.

It is all mixed... Everything all at once.. Confused, scared, calm yet hyper, nostalgic...

There are no regrets. But still I do wish I could do things or decide on things much better, if given a chance...

But then if it wouldn't have had happened, I wouldn't have learnt.

Breathe!

I'm talking lot of absurd things!

Full stop!!

Bathroom Thoughts

Today: 19th December, 2009
Saturday
12:47 am


It is a wonderful feeling. It had made me feel all warm and special. Feeling of being in love.

Now I stand out of it, and I realized how much I had grown into it. Something about it becomes so comfortable that I had forgotten my individualism. It was we. It was lovely being we, but I and you were lost.

The reason why we fall for each other is because of ‘you’ and ‘I’. And it somehow gets lost. There are no adjustments or compromises, but still it becomes so comfortable that I had stopped many things unconsciously.

Another theory (bathroom theory) I thought of was, I would love to be with someone with whom it will be ‘we’ but at the same time there will be ‘you’ and ‘I’. Meaning, every day will be like our first day together, discovering something or the other about each other or about anything, and still growing close. The need or want will be there, not dependency; but a support.

I started thinking more, discovered so many things about myself that I enjoy that I scare myself of fooling myself. I did move forward, reduced the whining. I became an individual again. It’s like discovering me again. Just that there is no one to share this happiness, excitement with. There are friends, but its not the same.

I want exactly this. Still strongly being an individual when its “we”. You are there to hug not needing a reason. You are there to share my happiness because you understand it the best. You are there. My complains are for me to see. You are there to support when I’m about to fall. You are there, because you love me. But I’m still an individual. I love you, and I’m there too. But you are still an individual.

Maybe like an emotional support? I don’t know, it has to be much more than that...

Love is wonderful. It has to be; it had made me smile. I have no idea if I should control here or let it just flow? Its complex or maybe I’m thinking too much. I really don’t know when I should put a full stop to my thoughts. This, I have to learn to control too. Everything under control? Freak!

In nutshell, all I want is to be in love. But in such a way that it is “we” but still being ‘you’ and ‘I’. I still want to love ‘I’ as much as I will love ‘you’. I still want to keep ‘me’, think individually, sharing thoughts openly, talking everything unimportant and important, and surprising each other every day. Every day will be like first day, discovering ‘you’ and ‘I’, but still will be very close. There will be no need to speak every time, will be comfortable even in silence. It just will be simple and at the same time beautiful. Too difficult to explain but easy to show.

I’m asking too much!

More than that, it must be sounding absurd!

Theories

Today: 16 December, 2009

Wednesday

11:45 am

Theories are self made protocols, on whatever it maybe, not scientifically speaking.

I always thought, if I’m crazily passionate about something, I will never get tired of it or even complain frequently about it. Passion is something I love. If I’m passionate about something, it means I love that something. There will be no question of complaining over it, ever. This is one theory. I put it in front of a friend. He calls it tough, because I said: I’m not allowed to complain. I was wondering, “How can it be tough”? Why should it be tough? If you love it, you’ll never ever get tired of it. It will be the reason you’ll be very alive. It is the dream you always wanted and got it. Dreams are beautiful.

Anyways if it is tough, it has to be tough. And it is worth! Else how am I ever going to run after it? I’ve to chase it to get it. If there are no protocols, there will be nothingness.

Same goes with ‘life’. It has some meaning. I’ve given it, by my theories. Else it will be just like, “I’m just living.” It will be equivalent to saying, “I’m born just to reproduce and then eventually die, what’s the point?” As if there is nothing else to do in this world. As if other thing in this world are just show piece. There is more to life than just this. There is science. There is this amazing field I am dying to learn and explore. There are so many questions to be answered. If I don’t keep those so called “theories” how will I think?

I get the taunt of, “You always keep thinking”. It’s like a compliment to me. Brain has to be busy anyways right? Keeping the Alzheimer’s at bay that way ;)

What’s wrong if I think on how to make myself tougher? What’s wrong if I think on various ideas of improving the projects? If I won’t think, how on earth I’ll get ideas? If I won’t think, how will I ever move forth? If I won’t think, how will I ask questions? If I won’t think, how will I work?

Nothing can be invented or created without ideas. Nothing can be done without thinking. I wouldn’t have been able to lash all this out without thinking! It is very important! I’m quiet when I want to. There is no compulsion in this world or by anyone or even if you say, for me to speak every time. If you ask, I’ll speak. But then don’t complain.

Theories are theories. Don’t question it always. Theories are like inventions. I wouldn’t have understood how really I feel about this or thought over it if I wouldn’t have complains on how ‘tough’ my theories are. They are tough, because nothing is simple. (What connection! Don’t question it ;).)

Has to be the same with science/technical field right? If I’m passionate about it that it... Just that, then the theory won’t be a protocol. It will be much more cooler!!

Next to theories, next cooler thing is ‘why’. I get irritated stares for that too. But then, without whys there will be no thinking and there will be no understanding, and hence no creating of more theories! I guess their irritations don’t matter anymore. Society! I’m anyways in recluse mode. ;) This is much more important than them! I love this!

Stubborn

Today: 13 December, 2009

Sunday

6:10 pm

There is something called as instincts/intuition I guess. I get it, I believe in it. I believe in it because it’s strong and I know it will happen. Sometimes I WANT it to happen. Sometimes is just a feeling. Maybe I feel it because I want it. Consciously or unconsciously I don’t know. All I know is its strong and that it has to happen, no matter what. And it usually does. Instincts/intuitions never go wrong right? It is like a child’s stubborn want.

The pain is horrible when it goes wrong or when it doesn’t work. It’s like all hopes were pinning on it, which is wrong, right? Self torture! What can I do? I’m only being a human.

The pain can be avoided by not being so arrogantly stubborn. But just can’t help it. A want is a tantrum placed on one self, on nature. However impossible it might seem, the want is stubborn. Not caring about the torture I’ll be placing on myself if and when I don’t get it. But the pleasure and the ecstasy I experience when it truly happens is worth taking the chances.

It is like a challenge. Sometimes like a losing battle. Still it is still there, the want. Hope. Belief in the instinct.

Ignoring is not always easy.

Sound like an overgrown child?

Vent

Today: 13 December, 2009

Sunday

12:25 am

I walk up to her and stand facing her. I tilt left and then right, as if I’m viewing my own side profile... She does the same. I look into her eyes; lovely black eyes, always speaking something.

She has an honest heart; an honest face. The face, I’ve been seeing it since   years, still seems unknown to me.  She has experienced joy, pain, love, rejection, almost every possible emotions, just like everyone else. And the most beautiful part is how she has grown over the years, though she has had her moment of madness.

I blink and she blinks back. It’s a reflection I’m looking at. I smile, and she smiles back. My li’l head starts thinking:

It’s so easy to speak and make myself believe something, only if it gives relief for a moment. It’s worth though. A moment of distraction and a moment of illusion. The dreadful part is: I will have to face it sometime. Till how long will I keep running away? Whatever happened to, “Turn back and face the wind!”? A coward now? I look again into the mirror, whoever she is, she is not me anymore.

There are changes. I’m changing, making myself tough. I have to; it’s a tough world out there. I’ve had enough heart-breaks for now.

There’s a difference between being tough and being strong. I’ve to be tough to be stronger. There’s no point being a soft layered person and trying to be strong. If not tough, things eventually start to break inside me again and again. Then I start feeling that weird burning hole in my heart. A weird feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty. A pathetic feeling of self doubt. Leaves me scared and twitchy. Such pathetic uneasiness that I feel like curling up into a ball, hugging myself so tight that I can stop the pain. It’s really pathetic. Everything is haywire. Every work stops, no concentration. A complete mess. And trust me, it feels even more horrible when things are not under self control.

Changes are difficult to accept. Sometimes it does leave me feeling dazed, asking myself “Is this really happening to me?” Sometimes it’s so horrible that I end up cursing myself and then the “fate”, saying the damned thing, “I don’t deserve this!”

It’s sometimes confusing on when to let things go and when to hold on to it. I feel two thins when I let things go:

1.   I’ve given up. It’s like holding on to fistful of desert sand.

2.   I’m building up courage to face something new. It’s exciting but at the same time I’ve to leave my comfort zone. (those twitchy, uncertain blah blah feelings are max)

I lie yes, to convince myself when it’s going out of control, creating an illusion, making myself believe the point 2 and trying to make myself strong. And when I lie to myself, I do it to others around me for my and their own good, if they are linked to it. I can’t be a nuisance to anyone. Or worst, a nuisance to myself. If it’s for the “emotional” good, then what’s the harm? As long as its not affecting anyone. If the truth is too hard to accept, lie works, if only for a moment... (Emotional sense I mean here, not work sense.) The best part is I’m convincing enough for whoever person is concerned and even to myself. (Later it hits hard, to me.)

Sometimes, really life really gets so complicated even when things can be so very simple. “It’s all in the head.” Plus there are those emotions like ego, arrogance, pride, etc which gets into the way and makes it even more complicated. So very confusingly complicated. It frustrates me.

The priorities are set, head is satisfied; what about heart? Is she important? I’m focusing on making her tough, so it has to be, right? So complicated being a human with those hormones and emotions inside!

I’m still in front of the mirror. I look at myself again. It’s the same eyes, same smile. The essence is same, but still something has changed. What I not used to believe in, I believe in it now and vice versa in some cases. What I used to call me is not me. I’ve no idea if its just a phase or situation has permanently done the “damage”. Whatever it is, it is new. It is like being in someone else’s skin. It’s not at all comfortable. I miss the “back home then” me. There was some innocence, which is forever gone. There was some raw energy of being self, no pretending or trying hard to heal out of failures. It’s gone too. The ease of being able to express emotions, love, warmth, somehow is buried deep inside. All the bubbles of energy popped. Something that made me that is missing. The essence is same, but person is different. I don’t like it.

Time heals everything. Like this? Not fair.

It's (me) Ms. Nasty :)

Pondering over this "dialogue". This is exactly how I'm feeling and making me hate society more and more.

"Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts-Your arrogance, your spite, your condescension-has sprung open. Someone provokes you and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them; "Hello, its Mr. Nasty". " Joe Fox (Tom Hanks)

And this:

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass my zingers to you and then I would never behave badly, and you could behave badly all the time and both be happy? Then on other hand I must warn you, that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows..."

What is troubling me is this:

I am honest and straight forward. Very much. People have this very bad habit of not listening and then jump on me totally and go from some point to other (emotional blah blahs, I had become like this once upon a time, but wouldn't jump on the person) never talking about the actual thing. What the hell!! What I'm supposed to lie and never tell whatever the hell is the irking me?  I don't understand, once they say "be honest and frank" and later they behave in a different way! The more irritating thing is, they don't practice what they preach! And I used to think I don't know what I want!

The only thing to do in their lives is, talk about people - gossip.

I'm not compatible in this society. I'm "Anti-social" then.

So be it. I'm happy being that.

Tired of "tying" to fit in. Why should I "adjust"? As always I'll be exact me, no matter what. Will try and count 10 when provoked (avoiding feeling remorse, its a torture to myself). Better to shut up than bark along with them. There has to be a difference between them and me. After all, its me!

Society wants to talk, talk. What do I have to loose? I'll respond only when poked to talk. I'll be frank and exact. Think whatever. Hell do i care from now on! My being frank and honest is being mean and rude, then hell I am that! (Be sensitive, but stop being over sensitive)

I'm proud of being that.

I can't believe that I had begun doubting about myself because of this society! Being too much with the society, you almost become one of them. Character wise, behavior wise.
 

No more.


Tell me things then and there, don't come to me hours or days later. I won't even care if they hate me. Spent enough energy on this and realized its not worth.


Poke only if you can handle, I'll talk. Till then, recluse.

A Silent Goodbye

Life is a choice; to breathe or not to breathe,

What has the sun to do with it?

The source to use is lying right there,

What has the “right” time to do with it?

You live a call to a block away,

I call, asking you to be there.

Will you be able to save me, while I think of my worth?

I’ll kid about it and you’ll never know me.

Hand reaches towards it,

No spare time to regret.

Once action taken, deed is done

I’ve already erred to even think to go back.

Waiting for the time to pass, I call you up

Talking random; I tell you how much I love.

Those will be my last words before I go,

And that will be all of my silent goodbye.

Addict

Can't get enough. Greedy, greedy me. He's like my cup of coffee. Once get a whiff of it, a frenzy begins. Have to taste more and more of it. Then comes an unavoidable control; and somehow the essence fades, until the next avoidable encounter.

If not avoided, the loop begins.

The link is beautiful and innocent. Honest and sweet. The sunset is brilliant even when its cloudy. Even the mornings are warm when it is foggy . 

That's what is addictive.

Never Think Forlorn

It was a slow walk down a boulevard on a drizzling twilight. Her mind though full of agitated questions, she was in peace. It was a long walk with company of self, holding someone else.

All smiles, suddenly her legs were broken. Down she fell and landed into a puddle. All her talks of “get up and walk on” were deaf to her own ears. She sat there with a forlorn look in her eyes, head down, immobile, drenched in now heavily pouring rain.

Hours ticked by, still no sound escaped her lips, unaware of everything. A mess.

She looked up, surprised; someone had called her name. She looked up to see a hand outstretched at her. She turned her head away. The sound called her again breaking her trance. She ignored it. It was not the sound she longed to hear. The sound yet again spoke to her. It was soft. She closed her eyes, shutting everything out; muting every possible melody that can exist.

The sound was not used to being ignored. Its strong hands gripped hers, and pulled her up; forcing her to open her eyes and face the world. “This is not the end of it”, the sound said. She winced at the pain. She was conscious of the sound now. It shook her out of a dead world, even if for a moment.

She looked around at the new world; waiting for her to explore.

The sound spoke to her again urging her to walk. She obeyed. Took a step, she stumbled. The strong arms held her; kept her steady. An unspoken support.

Days passed by. She now walks on her own. Uncertainty still lives in her heart; but she walks on. There is a void. She knows not what she wants, still she walks on. There are some dreams, waiting to be painted, picture though blurred.

There is a want to do something and cut the string that has bound her tight. A soundless thought. A wordless song. Waiting to form and burst out. It’s all muted, for now.

There is a way. She will figure it out, in time. She knows she is strong.

She is not born to exist.

She learnt, “One failure is not the end of all. It all matters on how you get up and walk ahead. It all matters on how you turn out to be out of that failure.”

Quotes

These are some lines I liked from some movies.. (Which I watched recently) Very real, hell I just wanted to say is, I could relate to it. Some I felt it and some already had happened. Its my distraction, and self motivation to help me feel better when I'm low. An escapade :)



You've got mail:


People are always telling me that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened.



Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way round? I really don't want any answer, I just wanna send this cosmic question out in the void. So, good night dear void.


Frank: What about you? Is there someone else?
Cathline: No, no.. But there is the dream of someone else.



Twilight:

Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder. (I imagine having leukemia) 


P.S. I love you:
(Holly's mom, when Holly talks about missing Gerry to her mom and her mom shares for the first time, her hidden emotions.)

I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own right? yea I know that. I know what it is not to feel like you're in a room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense. Just letting everyone know you're with him. You're his.

Now alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is, If we're all alone then we're all together in that too.

Ego

I ignored it when my dad always told me, “You should know when to use your ego”. I ignored it because I thought I knew when to use it, until recently I realised that I didn’t know it at all.

I don’t know if there is some connection with ego and anger. In my case maybe ye yea there is. There was a thin line which I had crossed and ended up bringing down my dignity. Silence comes in great use during this time. Dignified.

I guess it’s another form of anger. The kind of ego I’m talking about that is. It had driven me insane. So insanely mad that I couldn’t see what I was doing. It was as if there was some thin ego membrane covering my eyes, preventing me from seeing the effect, then and later. Until I was told, “Your ego is satisfied, yes. But you hurt that person.” I don’t want that, obviously.

It has the same power as that of anger of destroying everything. Destroying the person consumed with that ego, destroying every sensitive thing around that person.

I’m learning. I might have permanently done some damages. I have apologized to those. I’ve no idea if I’m really forgiven. I didn’t wait that long for the answer.

But then I learnt:

There is a time to hold back

And a time to unleash

Be it whatever.

Little Things..

There are those little things that make me so happy... Little insignificant to others, but for me it does make me smile. Some help me keep my faith in things which is on the verge of breaking. And some, make me feel loved and cared.

Saying out those little things helps make some new bond and helps strengthen some old bonds. They touch me so much that its surprising that I have the capacity to feel so much out of so many " normal" things. Normal in others eyes. Somehow they end up being special to mine. Its beautiful to feel them. I won't have some for now, but I do feel for their fairy tales... I feel happy.

For instance, this classmate of mine, who's love is so strong for his girl that he can go to lengths to protect her. Its surprising that their love story started even when I couldn't explain or understand love. They were that young. And its still strong.

Have one friend of mine stare at his girl (who again is a friend). And that look in his eyes says it all. No words required. I can't help feeling wonderful and at the same time feeling what all I've to yet experience and what I missed by being rash at times.

Letting a person know that I find his smile infectious (was not through me) and that I like him (not to take me the wrong way). I was genuinely happy when I saw him in college after a long break. I guess me turning and giving him a broad smile twice said it all. And then yesterday, I acknowledged whatever my other friend told him was right by giving him a knowing smile. He stopping by and talking. Both of us smiling. It made me feel happy all over again (I was sulking ).

Getting hugs from my friends when I miss my mom.

Burying my head in her shoulders when I miss something very bad, to hide my tears in public and she patting my back in response, understanding, and not questioning. Just some calm sound to sooth me.

Teasing me and infuriating to an extent that I'll not look at their faces. And then they making me smile by giving me my favorite chocolate bar. Happy all over again.

A piece of soft sweet music... Listening to it when uncertain and scared. Letting it fill me with peace, like right now. Or listening to a loud rock and walking fast with a friend as a company and letting all the frustrations burn out.

Feeling all these little things has me all grown up. Matured. There is no more of whining. I guess I realized I won't always get what I want. I can still try.

I guess I realized people always go, and I can't always be selfish to keep them.

I really surprise myself by being able to feel so much. All these and much more. Different emotions and situations...

I had allowed myself to believe when people called me emotionless. I was so wrong. I feel much more than others. I have the capacity to feel everything. Capacity to receive and give... I have the capacity to hold myself strong. I am.

I just have to learn to be patient.

Right now, I can enjoy and feel everyone's fairy tale lives around me. Mine will come. With time. I can't help feeling jealous now and then though. I'm with reality. I'll wait for mine.

I learnt to tell all those tiny things that make me happy about others to them. Not keep it in and admire it from distant.

In the end about being happy. No matter what.

Learn. Grow and walk ahead.

You and Me

This poem I wrote in collaboration with Vibha.

V: Hold on my dear, not so fast
You'll forever be my part not my past.
Sit down for a minute and listen to me
Look into my eyes, tell me what do you see

A:My heart sings for you, why can't you hear?
I've said I love you, but you don't care.
You promised to walk along, now you walk away
I tried to hold on, but you shrugged me away.
Was this all that was to be of you and me?

V:Do you see lies, you thought there were?
Do I look like a murderer with a snare?
My face is sinister, a witch you said.
Even to the gallows you had me led.

A:My heart was yours, I had already said.
I'm all yours, you had already said.
Still you dragged me all the way
I was a witch, no more your angel you said
I cried and called out your name, but all in vain.
You were far gone, and I was slain.

A Walk to Remember

First love is real hard to forget if it was real. Feelings that is. Might feel now and then that it was kiddish, but then it had to be intense too, that's why maybe it becomes difficult to forget.. First love is first love. Special. First love need not be defined as "the first person you fell in love with". In my definition, it is when you first truly fell in love with.

I am not a religious kind of person. Not the kind who would read Bible or Bhagwadgita. Spiritual, maybe yes, still have to explore that. But then this one part from Bible moved me, even though I wrote a sarcastic poem on it or make cynic comments; but actually it does mean something in the end.

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

There may or may not be someone. But I do dream of someone. Someone special. Difficult to forget sometimes yes, but then there is something called as faith. And hope. Sounds eugh kind, but then deep inside, everyone holds on to that; sometimes.

I was reading A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks. A wonderful movie too. Different from book, but holds its essence. I could never understand why it was called "A Walk to Remember", until I read the book. I type my favorite scenes from the book: (It moved me and gave me goosebumps.. Some book!! Felt this after a long time! )

Eastern North Carolina is a beautiful and special part of the country, blessed with temperate weather and, for the most part, wonderful geography. Nowhere is this more evident that Bogue Banks, an island right off the coast, near the place we grew up. Twenty-four miles long and nearly a mile wide, this island is a fluke of nature, running from east to west, hugging the coastline a half mile offshore.

Those who live there can witness spectacular sunrises and sunsets every day of the year, both taking place over the expanse of the mighty Atlantic Ocean.

Jamie was bundled up heavily, standing beside me on the edge of the Iron Streamer Pier as this perfect southern evening descended. I pointed off into the distance and told her to wait. I could see our breaths, two of hers to every one of mine. I had to support Jamie as we stood there- she seemed lighter than the leaves of a tree that had fallen in autumn - but I knew that it would be worth it.


In time the glowing, cratered moon began its seeming rise from the sea, casting a prism of light across the slowly darkening water, splitting itself into a thousand different parts, each more beautiful than the last. At exactly the same moment, the sun was meeting the horizon in the opposite direction, turning the sky red and orange and yellow, as if heaven above had suddenly opened its gates and let all its beauty escape its holy confines. The ocean turned golden silver as the shifting colors reflected off it, waters rippling and sparkling with the changing light, the vision glorious, almost like the beginning of time. The sun continued to lower itself, casting its glow as far as the eye could see, before finally, slowly, vanishing beneath the waves. The moon continued its slow drift upward, shimmering as it turned a thousand different shades of yellow, each paler than the last, before finally becoming the color of the stars.

Jamie watched all this in silence, my arm tight around her, her breathing shallow and weak. As the sky was finally turning to black and the first twinkling lights began to appear in the distant southern sky, I took her in my arms. I gently kissed both her cheeks and then, finally, her lips.

“That”, I said, “is exactly how I feel about you.”

The second favorite part was this one:

“I’m proud of you, son”
I nodded. “I’m proud of you, too, Dad.”
It was the first time I’d ever said those words to him.

My mom was in the front row, dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief when the “Wedding March” began. The doors opened and I saw Jamie, seated in her wheelchair, a nurse by her side. With all the strength she had left, Jamie stood shakily as her father supported her. Then Jamie and Hegbert slowly made their way down the aisle, while everyone in the church sat silently in wonder. Halfway down the aisle, Jamie suddenly seemed to tire, and they stopped while she caught her breath. Her eyes closed, and for a moment I didn’t think she could go on. I know that no more than ten of twelve seconds elapsed, but it seemed much longer, and finally she nodded slightly. With that, Jamie and Hegbert started moving again, and I felt my heart surge with pride.

It was, I remembered thinking, the most difficult walk anyone ever had to make.

In every way, a walk to remember.

The nurse had rolled the wheelchair up front as Jamie and her father made their way toward me. When she finally reached my side, there were gasps of joy and everyone spontaneously began to clap. The nurse rolled the wheelchair into position, and Jamie sat down again, spent. With a smile I lowered myself to my knees so that I would be level with her.
My father did the same.

Hegbert, after kissing Jamie on the cheek, retrieved his bible in order to being the ceremony. All business now, he seemed to have abandoned his role as Jaime’s father to something more distant, where he could keep his emotions in check. Yet I could see him struggling as he stood before us. He perched his glasses on his nose and opened the bible, then looked at Jamie and me. Hegbert towered over us, and I could tell that he hadn’t anticipated our being so much lower. For a moment he stood before us, almost confused, then surprisingly decided to kneel as well Jamie smiled an reached for his free hand, then reached for mine, linking us together.

…

And finally the end:

It is now forty years later, and I can still remember everything from that day. I maby be older and wiser, I may have lived another life since then, but I know that when my time eventually comes, the memories of that day will be the final images that float through my mind. I still love her, you see, I’ve never removed my ring. In all these years I’ve never felt the desire to do so.
...


This is what I meant by intense. She didn’t ask him to do anything. Nor did he do it for her. It’s just how they felt. Intense and natural. Love never dies, and it never fades. Love is patient. If it was not, then that was not love at all. Love never gets tired or sick of anything about a person. It’s the beauty of the person and the essence you fell for. You know the person so well that one mess about him/her won’t shake your feelings. That intense. It sure is exciting in the beginning and if you think that was love, then you never were in love. Love is constant. Exponentially grows. Its excitement is not to be compared to the excitement a kid has for a new toy. That excitement fades. And love is always not about excitement.

This can be felt in various ways. A very very strong feeling. A happy one too.

"Love is like the wind. I cannot see it, but feel it"
This does keep my faith alive.

That is how exactly it is. Beautiful and wonderful.
I dedicate the song "Only Hope" to that someone. Lovely song. :)

Flashback (smirk)

You don’t have to experience a near death experience to see your whole life flash in front of you. Who has time for the whole flash back any ways? Unless you think you have eternity of time free in front of you. (Read: jobless)

Some memories or some instances are enough to trigger the whole time spent with that special person. Brings smile. Who cares about the rest? It’s easy to block and forget the painful ones, like it never ever happened. There’s lot more to think about and do than to sit and ponder over bullshits.

This was just a reason. Bacche if you ever happen to read this, I miss you a lot kiddo. I was comfortable around you. Very much myself. I smiled a lot and needed no reason, because it was you. Even sitting side by side and being silent didn’t matter. It still was very natural and comfortable. Your hug is still pending bacche.

All this was just a complicated way to say I miss you. You are the sweetest person I ever met till now : )

Goa

Nothing to do with the title. Some random scribbles again when I was in and after I came back from Goa. A well deserved break I say! Was awesome! Amazing place!

In Goa:

Wishing it was yesterday today,
yesterday i lived in present.
I never was so alive.
Unwanted past dead easy.
I see my mistake, still its the same today;
wishing it was yesterday when today can be as alive as yesterday.
I only have to do what I did yesterday: "Live in present"

Seems like yesterday
I stepped into the silky sand,
salty sea, reddish sun,
I turned back to see you three (+4) :D
We laughed, joked and had fun
But all that had mattered was we were together
(I wrote this on a tissue paper for VS, the day we were to leave)

My eyes are heavy.
Breathing very deep
Totally relaxed and comfortable with evenings and self company.
I smile in my sleep (did when in bus)
Its past midnight, I'm heavily sleepy but still savoring this feeling. And calmer than i ever was. It feels wonderful.
I'm free.

Back home:

Head resting on the pillow,
eyes shut with my hand caressing my hair,
No thoughts in my mind,
Nothing but peaceful silence,
I see sky, cloudless blue and white.
Lost I was in my silent mind,
I was asleep before I totally smiled.


SILENCE

Silence heals.
Silence creates distance.
Silence gives time to think.
Silence gives peace.
Silence irritates some.
Silence makes some.
Silence breaks some.
Silence speaks every thing.
Silent company is hard to keep, but its wonderful and unique.
Silence is powerful.

Random Scribblings

Some things in my life will remain untouched and incomplete. However big my desire to have it, it will remain untouched. Even after however way I wanted it is dead is or is hopelessly impossible. I wanted it that way, and I shall have it that way. No force will work. I want it that way and that's it. Final.

Fantasies turned into dreams, I knew not when. I want to fulfill them, but I cannot touch them for its now forbidden to touch or venture. I burn to touch them, but its doused for some private good. And there, another dream dies. At the same time, in the corner of my heart, a new dream takes birth.

Love kissed me. Along with it came its beauty. It smelled so sweet that I was dazed. World seen in a different view. Its beautiful, innocent and intense. It made me feel complete.

Old habits never die. Sometimes they just disappear without a notice, for a long time maybe. A whiff of it and bang there it is back again. Addictive addiction.

Lost, are you? You think so? Stand in front of a mirror. There! You found yourself. And you thought you left yourself somewhere when you were with yourself all along.

Hatred, why trouble me now? Didn't I deal with you a few years back? Let it go, lets live in peace. Lean to forgive too. Why hurt someone just because someone hurt you? Sounds cool to do it or get back at people, but they are humans with emotions too.

He's violent but at the same time mellow. He's moody but at the same time extremely irresistible. But all are not him. How can it be? I want to believe in him, at the same don't. I want to be with him at the same time run away. Am I comfortable around him, or do I shiver thinking of him I'm uncertain. But I'm certain that I'm in love with him, no matter what he is.

There is this whole world, you and me. I listened to you to help the world, and gave it my best. I listened to me once and thought about me. I said to hell with it, for once let it be me. I"m both generous and selfish. I choose to be selfish today. Whats wrong in being selfish for a while? I'm my world.

Nothing ends. It always continues in some form or the other. Its always alive.

I know I'm the best. Who do you think you are to even think to evaluate me? Do I know you?

Baby Memory

Sometimes, I wish I had a memory like babies when it comes to emotions. Remember everything when its around me, alive and happy. I'll laugh and smile with it. Enjoy it and be with it. And forget it in a week or so when its gone. Saves me the pain and hurt. And the best part is the memory is gone forever.(Sometimes some memories are best gone forever) It won't haunt me, EVER. Like it never ever happened. Existence gone.

I'll be happy forever. :)

But then there is no happiness without pain, like no rainbow without rain. This is what makes me grown up. :)

Only Love is Real...

Silent walk in a sunny field
Things unsaid
But love was real

Time flew by
Love was known
Some things were
Still unknown

Years passed by
Love still strong
They walked on
Hand in hand

Piled up were
Unsaid things
And they thought
Only love is real

Little did they know
The time was up
Everything was breaking up
How strong love was
They had to see
Unsaid was still locked with no key

To break the lock
Or let it go
In the end one just
Let it go

On tired hard
Other backed off
Their love was lost in a trunk
Reasons given to kill it
One cried hard
Other shrugged

Days passed by
And they met
Decision was regretted
But it was way too late
And one realized

Only love is real.

Slow Down..

What future holds, who knows?
What present is like, I know.
Why think about the future?
When the present is me.
I want this and that for future
Pushing myself for the best
Slow down, breathe and look around
It’s a pleasant, cloudy afternoon
It’s beautiful.
Slow down, taste it.
Kya pata kal ho na ho :D

"I"

No one cares about "I" but "I". Whats happened has happened. And what is past, is past. What can I do about it NOW? (Answer...) So why crib? Or even THINK about it? (Certain things do need to be thought about though :))

Once I understood this, everything was easy.

Now I am most of the time: "Just do it". Once done, done. Can't be changed right? :)

There is this whole new person out of me once I accepted all that. Like: Throw half sarcastic cum innocent statement to a lecturer, half smile when explaining a topic to the whole class and the dean interrupts me and says "you didnt understand it completely" when I had not paid attention to her classes at all! , duck in front of the whole class when the dean is searching for me, question a sir if he "did" teach that topic or not when writing a surprise quiz (and get "tortured" that day and the next in front of whole class again :D and laugh more about it). Get screwed for forgetting ID in front of whole class and still laugh about on whatever she called me. Its fun! Its simply fun being like this. Done being "serious".

The best part was, I could see the bright part of the whole thing, make fun of it and laugh with every one. What will it matter later?? I choose my time being happy than sit and cry over it. There is no reason for me to be sad at all when there is so much more to do and feel!

I am able to share thoughts with everyone, not just few. What the hell am I gonna do by keeping it to myself? Why not share and explore. (Some yea, are best kept personal :))

Want to buy it? Just buy it! (me being a BIG kanjoos :D)
Want to do it? Just do it!
Want to question? Raise your hand and just ask!
Who the hell cares what others think? I am being me.

Half of them are anyways sleeping or dreaming! In short: No one cares! So why do you care?

I had forgotten all this.

With all this, I'm actually very happy. Whats do I get by crying? Hell nothing (but some exhaustion and sleepiness and waste of time!)! Why not be happy then? :)

Taking life as it comes, with my baby steps to things I want or as I want it to be.

I, Love...

Today: 11 September, 2009
Thursday
12:10 AM

I want to be in love not a relationship. Love is free, like a spirit. When in love why want to give it a name when you can just enjoy being in love and enjoy each other’s company, be there for each other, support each other, talk everything out to each other and just love each other. Everything is simple and understood between us. We’ll be in present and take future as it comes (Though sometimes we will love to plan for it : ) ). Nothing else matters. It is pure, beautiful and free. To hell with the world.

I enjoy being in love. That love need not be for that ‘special’ person. I enjoy loving things I love. (I realized that better today.) I love FAFL classes and Networks as a subject. I love logics and maths in theory. I love computers and I love my branch. I love to work when I am working on something I am passionate about. I love my passion and my will to do it. I love my determination. I love my strength. I love me.

I love my best buds. I love every morning and I love looking at the stars. I love to get lost in the things I love doing. I love my life and I love the chances and the probabilities. I love to learn.

I love my blanket and I love my soft toys. I love the little things around me. I love to observe and I love rains. I love philosophy. I love psychology.

I love to love. I love to smile. I love to laugh and I love being happy. I love being alive and so love it being in love! I love being me. I just love me! Muah!! : )

I’m so happy!

Today's quote here:You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it.
Gilbert Chesterton (1874-1936)

Reality

This world is really so small, and so is our lifetime. You never know what will happen when.

Imagine this (supposition): it was just last week I spoke to her, my best friend. Had a fight and didn’t speak. Today I get the news she’s that she’s no more. I feel shocked and numb. The fight seems unbelievably small. The only thought that would have been in my mind was if only I would have spoken to her and made it all right. If only I could talk to her one more time. In the end, all that matters is your relationship, not the fight.

It took me long to realize this. All that matters is, I finally did. :)

Whatever happens, only thing that hits back later is memories. And surprisingly only the good ones do. The times we laughed, we made fun of each other, we pulled each other’s leg, the overnight stay, the time we called up late night and spoke for hours, saying out loud, "I love you and miss u" if we missed each other... Even in these times, memories haunt back and make us smile.

It really makes me wonder now, does it really matter? Nothing lasts yes. The fights, the blah blah, or any damned relationship. What lasts is only friendship. So does it really matter?

What’s best is, put aside the ego in time (sometimes it does take very long time :)) and smile. Talk again as if nothing ever happened. All that matters is we are best friends. Love stays. To hell with everything else and make some more memories. Else only memories remain...

What’s the best out of the two?


Ps: It really happened with a friend of mine, which was another slap back to reality. Made me enjoy and value whatever I have around me more. People come and go, but once gone, they never come back.