One of many

When one something compensates for other many things even if temporarily, it is good enough.
---..

Reason Why I'm Lucky...

I discovered it's not attachment I'm averse to. I love to be free. I guess that is why my relationship or friendships had started failing after a year. And I'm lucky because my best friend knew this even before I could figure out. :)
Out of whole lot, she understood this. That's why, she is the best one :)


And so the song goes, "Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori'
My reason why I need to get recluse now and then.
"Thodi doori se, zindagi asaan hai
Meri duniya aur uska bhi jahan hai
Hai ziddi ye badi majbooriyan bhi."

Like that simple fact: a goldfish dies faster when its in an aquarium.
That's why this fish needs break now and then :)

---..

The types :D

There are simply two types of people:
 1. The dig deep,analyze everything, talk philosophy, share poems, talk medieval and science and such stuff. I enjoy that! There is bonding, and that is one thing.
2. The have fun people. Everything is simple and direct for them. To hell with analyze else types, let me just enjoy types. And that company is a pleasant change for me! 

What surprised me was, I am both of them. And I can be whoever when ever I want to be. And I enjoy being both of them! Silent to hyper happy.And that's when I realized, I'm really very happy. "Enjoy life. It is perfect." I didn't expect to come out from me. It is perfect. :) It was someone's gyan given in a cruder way, which I gave back it seems :P

It is perfect. :)
---..

Best walk home

I had one of the best walk back home today. It rained, and I walked back slowly, getting wet. Water dripping from my hair and me struggling to walk straight in those slippers. At one point I wished if I could share this walk with you. :)

One of those moments I wished never ended.

So happy. :)
---..

Baarish :)

Boondein barse rhimjhim rhimjhim..

Thandi hava chale

Saath mein laai mitti ki khusbu

Dil khushi se jhume! :)

Finally, finally finally! Megha barsa, thodi rahat aai. Kadkti garmi mein, dil ko thandak pahunchi. (Even if for few mins :P)

Pardon my hindi. :)

Rain came, and along with it some new hope. Rain came, and along with it the change of wind. A renewed strength. It finally rained, washing away my doubts with it.

The sound of rain brought a smile on my lips. For how long I was dying for this! The breeze of hope, telling me not to give up; not yet.

It brought a change of mood. A change of atmosphere. A change in energy.

What rain can do to me :)

So happy! So bubbly and so full of life! :)

---..

All smiles :)

I'm in love. With myself and life. Its so beautiful. So very sweet, like it should be. Perfect, everything is. Something or the other comes in, but then I do know what to give what importance. Isn't this beautiful part about this journey? "Learning"

I'm suddenly so out of one environment that I'm so happy, but at the same time scared that one colour of some old picture can pull me back. But then that's what strength is: resisting unwanted. Life is a choice. Says it all, ain't it?

I know 'm in love cos I sing more often, I laugh more often. Dance on every tune I like. I smile for no reason while walking alone. Mornings are chirpy and I find beauty in everything. As if there is nothing to hate or dislike at all! There is this infinite bubbling energy. Even the winter cant freeze me. Its so lovely that I'll find beauty in freezing too :) There is a way to everything and a surety that nothing sad lasts for long.

There is calm and peace and a very bright light.

Everything has to be extremes. Everything. This is another beauty of life and me. Everything is just so awesome and so perfect. Everything is beautiful. :)

All smiles, reaching my eyes. Beautiful. :D

I, Love...

Today: 11 September, 2009
Thursday
12:10 AM

I want to be in love not a relationship. Love is free, like a spirit. When in love why want to give it a name when you can just enjoy being in love and enjoy each other’s company, be there for each other, support each other, talk everything out to each other and just love each other. Everything is simple and understood between us. We’ll be in present and take future as it comes (Though sometimes we will love to plan for it : ) ). Nothing else matters. It is pure, beautiful and free. To hell with the world.

I enjoy being in love. That love need not be for that ‘special’ person. I enjoy loving things I love. (I realized that better today.) I love FAFL classes and Networks as a subject. I love logics and maths in theory. I love computers and I love my branch. I love to work when I am working on something I am passionate about. I love my passion and my will to do it. I love my determination. I love my strength. I love me.

I love my best buds. I love every morning and I love looking at the stars. I love to get lost in the things I love doing. I love my life and I love the chances and the probabilities. I love to learn.

I love my blanket and I love my soft toys. I love the little things around me. I love to observe and I love rains. I love philosophy. I love psychology.

I love to love. I love to smile. I love to laugh and I love being happy. I love being alive and so love it being in love! I love being me. I just love me! Muah!! : )

I’m so happy!

Today's quote here:You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it.
Gilbert Chesterton (1874-1936)

Raining

Today: 26 August, 2009
Wednesday

Soothing breeze, graying clouds
Coconut trees, swung side by side
Dry green grass, wet again
It is raining

A silent walk, kid shrieking inside
Muddy road, avoiding puddles
Slippers are wet, mud stuck on it
It is raining

Beside a window, in a bus
Looking out, rain running down the widow
Condensed, frosted window
It is raining

Zooming cars, splashing water
Head rests on the glass, enjoying the air
A little drop lands, kissing my nose
It is raining

A man dressed in white, big turban on his head
Kids jumping, splashing water in air
A flower in the corner, dew on its petals
It is raining

Sun peeked out, from its veil of clouds
Rosy sky, with the air of romance
Woman hugging her guy, ride on the bike
It is raining

Bangalore is beautiful :)

Finally!

I should yell "Yipppe"! I finally started enjoying coding! Thanks to my research dean. (The best/worst part was, I was her object of interest today (mixture of both good and bad :D)). I never enjoyed lab this much. I was almost asked to "leave" the lab today :)

She teaches us. Not everything. Certain things are left for us to do on our own. We are not kids you see :) And that creates the interest and increases the hunger to know more. She leaves it in such a way that leaves me hungry to know more about it. And then code it to see it for myself. This has helped me to understand her subject well. She is a hell of a trainer! Sad that not all our lecturers are like her.

For the first time I enjoyed working on the subject, coding it and trying my best to make it work, even though that subject is not my line of interest. Its fun. Working in a team makes it much more fun. We understand even better. At least I did.

And it finally answered my question. And I realized, emotions are secondary! I was so engrossed today that there was no feeling of love or hate in my heart. (Man, I've come to hate the word heart!! ) Or any other shitty emotions but that of just getting the result. This is fun :D

And I'm enjoying drinking coffee!

I think I should rename my blog now.. ;)

Have I gone corrupt? Or finally on the right track?

P.S. : :
I re-read my post.. Maybe I shouldn't be so heartless. Maybe I should reserve the particular emotions for their own particular time. I shouldn't forget: I am a human. Whatever the chemicals in my head, I still feel it. It is that that makes me a unique me. And sometimes those emotions are really wonderful, with even more wonderful memories.

I guess they are important, but when required at their particular time. Till then it can be secondary. :)

Case solved :)

A walk in the rain :)

It was late. We had to hurry to the bus stop. It was drizzling lightly, slowly increasing its intensity. I said, "Lets hurry, I don't want to get wet!"

There was no point in hurrying cos I was in chappals (girly ones :D) and I was slowing us down (I am not used to walking in them). I was constantly slipping cos of the water. :) Initially it irritated me. Then I laughed. I was already half wet. My friend was half irritated. I laughed more. It was raining. And I remembered,"I always loved to walk in rain and get wet". I still loved it. And I slowed down bit more. (To add to her irritations :D )

I enjoyed the rain. I enjoyed it falling on my cheeks again. The bus wont run away. There was still some time. I saw a small puddle and I stamped hard. Splash! She gave out a laugh too. (My chappal had come out too :D) My black jeans was pale brown below.

Then hurrying to the bus (me) half falling. Getting in and getting a weird stare from my math lecturer (I saw her first when I got in :D). I guess I didn't seem that kinda girl to her :)

Hair wet, water dripping. Jeans half wet, shirt wet. Shivering a bit cos I felt the air was cold and the longing for my blanket. And I was smiling. The same air, and the same feeling of belonging. The same trees and the same atmosphere. It smelled the same too.. The same old feeling.. It rained and I had my walk. A long urge finally fulfilled. Would have loved to have a walk a few specific people though, enjoying sharing a perk or walking with our hands around each others shoulders or waist, would have made my day even more better. But still, I enjoyed. :)

Oh the good old days! I just love rains! Don't have the same people around me, but I had the air back. And I felt loved. :)

Fly back..

Weirdly take off gave me nausea this time (seating position I guess, not the reason of going back). I couldn't help smiling even when I was getting this sickening feeling in my stomach and heavy feeling in my head. Man I love speed!

Arabian sea looked beautiful from above. And science was easier to understand (even more this time ;D. Read: liquid=layers). I couldn't look outside this time cos of that sickening heavy feeling in my head. All I noticed was, Mumbai had clear sky. And it looked yummy :D (Surprisingly, I was hungry like Kumbhakaran this time!!)

En route to Bangalore, there was turbulence. Could see "cloudy" sky. And when the pilot was reducing his altitude before landing, Bangalore never looked so pleasant to me. It was looking fresh from above. It must have just rained. It looked like a smiling babbu. Like a fresh farm. Shucks! I never loved Bangalore this much! Though I still hate not being able to read and talk the local language properly! grr!!

We stepped out of airport and there, the rain welcomed us. We got into bus, got out of airport and lo, no rain. Compensation: Now its raining heavily with heavy thunders and lightening. How romantic! (Romancing with sleep that is :D)

OH! Main thing!! One of the commanding pilot was also named Aditi!! I gave a BIG grin when it was announced! My mom so wanted to meet her. The main pilot looked like a foreigner, but man he was hot! My mom wasn't listening to me when he was in the same bus as we when we were taken to our plane. (Though later she heard me when we were walking out of airport of getting me married to an pilot!) I kept staring at him, and he was busy with his fancy ipod. He missed some sight in front of him ;). I loved his eyes.

And, my flight ends with a co-passenger after the whole bloody flight asking me when I'm taking out our luggage, "She your grandmom". I with a straight face, "No. Mom" :D

A day in Mumbai

Its sticky hot here. But hey, my skin has never been so better! ;)

I'm surrounded by so many books and novels, I spend all day reading it. Surprisingly TV didn't attract me at all! And then yesterday was a great day!

But then I guess my cousin thought I need a break (I was stuck into my room with books all day, currently trying to read The Present by Spencer Johnson and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne) Jiju took me out. I was supposedly to go to D-Mart with him, but he surprisingly took me to PVR! And I saw Angels and Demons. Not my kinda movie though, but I enjoyed it. (I loved caramel popcorn for the first time :D) Effects were great and Tom Hanks is as usual good.

Then went around the mall. Man its huge! I didn't have that fun in Blore malls!
Came back home. Had lunch (though my stomach was half full with popcorn) and SLEPT!

Then in the evening we went out for a walk with Jiyu (My darling niece). Surprisingly it was cool in the evening. I asked to go outside the apartments. And guess where we went??

CROSSWORD! Man it was huge! (The mall had a even bigger Crossword) and I was stuck there. And the best part was, I could go and sit there and read till the shop closed. Some Ms. Basu is gonna come read her book today there.

And I found birthday present for myself there. (Which I'm gonna gift myself ;D) Its huge! and I was never so happy!!

I was dragged out of the store, cos it was past dinner time. I saw a thela wala. And guess what I had? Pani puri!! He made it so hot that my stomach was on fire! I had to ask that guy to make it bit sweet! I was so used to the non-pani puri I get in Bangalore! I had to have an ice cream by Naturals (they are better than Amul, I swear!) to cool my stomach.. But it was AWESOME!

Came back home. Made myself cosy in my room again (AC was on this time :D) with a book in my hand and had no idea when i drifted off to sleep.. A dreamless sleep.

And today, I got up with a smile on my lips!
What a place can do!

Home

Just when I thought its over, my life had just begun. I was surprised with myself. Very much surprised. There is still so much to do, and so much to see. I still have to decide where I'm gonna be.

I never understood that happiness, that why my hostel-lite friends used to get so excitedly happy when they were to go home. I never understood their anxiety. Then I realized, I won't understand anything until I don't experience it. And I did. And its wonderful.

Its like I had forgotten myself. I had forgotten how to dance, how to smile and how to laugh. I was so lost in this world that I completely forgot my real self. I had given myself up to things, people. I forgot to see myself. And then it happened.

I flew back home. I placed my first step there and everything came flooding back. Everything seemed so simple again. I couldn't help smiling at people. Strangers they were, and they smiled back. I learnt how to smile again. A real smile. :)

Driving back home I saw trees and I felt peace. It feels nice when you get to feel the same old air.. I felt fresh after so long!

Life is so beautiful. Ironically I felt it when I was about to give up! I'm falling in love all over again. I'm falling in love with my life. I'm feeling so light hearted. I have to thank MJ. Man he took so much pains (and hell it costed him a lot) to make me understand all this! Thanks dude :) I couldn't have done it without you.

All he said was, "Try you fool! Didn't you understand what I was saying? Keep trying you chicken meat! Never give up!" I was too drowned in depression to "really" understand what I was doing to myself.

But then I also learnt, sometimes its best to give up on somethings, so that I can move on with my life. So that I can save my energies and put is somewhere I ought to put it. I have so little time and so much to do.

All I needed was a break. Now I understand why my friends get so happy when they say "home". Its cos you go back to a place where you feel at peace. You get that feeling of belonging.

Its like that dialogue in Kung fu Panda, "You cant think when your mind is agitated, once calm you can see solution to anything" (I don't remember the exact words :D)

I've big plans. I just hope I don't leave it halfway and jump to something else (MJ are u listening?? Keep bothering me then pls ;) )

Sigh!! I'm in love again. He's there right around the corner.

I never knew, I am so special.

Burst of Emotions.. (a talk with myself)

The other day I thought its a dead end with no way out to some problem. I thought the whole world has come to an end (being dramatic ;) )... To be exact, I was sad. I could smile only to smile back at faces. I could feel the swell in my eyes when I smiled.. I was exact me with that kiddo in my bus. The best part is he knows when to question and when not to, when to be quiet and when not to, when to hold my hands and when to leave me alone. I love the unspoken understanding between us.. Then I came inside the class... I saw a face. A famliar face. It was burning with anger.. Later I heard of his situation and felt, "By god! I've suffered nothing at all! I' m not on any dead end. The solution is right here, simple and clear!" I started thinking clearly and feeling bit light.

Then came Microprocessor class. My lecturer got irritated at the end of the class, cos some seniors were knocking at the door to announce something for the fest... She yells at them and comes back, (I was on first bench that day) looks at just me in the whole class and starts complaining. I couldn't control and I bursted out laughing, and then the whole class bursted out laughing.. (and she says "you people find it funny, but really when u teach...." She is such a sweet lady. We call her mummy, cos she treats us like her kids.) She made my day.. She eased off everything in me.. I laughed heartily that day. After a long break. Everything then looked so insignificant. I mean that problem. Nothing mattered. I was my usual self again. Bubbling with energy, making people around me laugh by my talks or my laugh. Everything was bright. The usual pokes from kiddo when going back home to make me spit out everything. The usual chedofying when those two got together. Nothing else mattered. I had them with me. I had some support.

Though the year started with a bad note, I could see who were true with me. I saw who were actually there with me, who actually understood me. I could see who really cared. I learnt a lot in a span of some 3 months. I saw a chronic problem ease off in a day. I could sigh in peace that day. I could see how everything can change in a week to a day... A hell lot of experience...

Then again while talking with a friend till late night yesterday, I realized yea he was right! My life has just begun! I'm still so young. I still have so much to experience. And that if something is not changing even if you're working hard on it, sometimes it best to just let it be. It will change be fine sometime later.. There you will learn patience. He also said, everything ends in a good note. If its something is ending badly, its not an end. It has to end in a good note. Its a "kahawat".

Somethings will stay, rest will go. Some people will be there, rest will just disappear. Just that love wont go. Its there to stay. I'll get it unconditionally from those special friends and definitely that special person. Who doesn't want to be loved? I want to be, all over again. This time, I'll be feeling it totally with my arms wide open. I had asked this question to kiddo in these 3 months, " why cant I feel anything like you do?" His answer stumped me, "That's because you are not giving it a chance. You are not making an effort to feel. Leave that thing behind and try and see everything in a new light again. Give the rest a chance" I listened to him and did it, and then I could feel everything. I could lessen the hurt and pain bottled in me and then feel fresh again. Crying does help. :)

Its easy to feel when you listen to your heart and not suppress her. It becomes so easy to feel that loving hug then. So easy to feel loved by them. So easy. It gives some comfort that even though they are not many, but some are there with you forever no matter what. I want to thank those two for their support in these nightmarish months.. I feel so fresh after that talk. There was someone to talk to when in need. I felt nice. All these days I thought I was a free bird, but saw how caged I was. Today I'm free again. Feels good to be able to breath after so long. Everything is so normal back again. Nothing matters anymore.

I'm blogging like this after so long! There's so much more to feel! I'm so young, and I'm ready to grow up. My aunt, cousin have already started searching a guy for me ;) A chef of a great 5 star restaurant , or an air force guy... Kiddo has the responsibility to search for a good air force guy.. I'm waiting to see kiddo in his air force uniform. He's going to my home. He's staying there for 3 years and getting trained. I'm so proud of him.

I thought I had lost me. The chirpy, laughing, free girl in Pune. Everything was so simple and clear for her. I thought she is dead. I found her back. She's here, right in me. Her partner in crime is missing. But then, I found her back in me and found some more partners for "crimes"..

There is so much to do!!
Fall in love
Buy a house with garden for mummy
A bose system for papa
A great car and a cute puppy (a black laby) for myself
Become an independent working woman
go to beaches and walk there in the waves, watch sunset
See my own kids (after seeing my niece :D)
Go for a walk with my dog, play with him on my garden..
Share a hug
Go for an outing with friends or alone with whoever that special one is..
Do a job what I always wanted to do..
Grow my hair long again..
Go to a place where there are so many butterflies..
Watch a butterfly emerge from its cocoon..
Make my parents proud of me..
Do something big and something that will leave an impression

So so many things to do alone and some things with friends and with that special guy (A walk in the beach with him for sure).. so so many things... This life is now so short!

I should read this blog over again whenever I see another dead end. This has my old self's essence, it should bring me out from that dead end. I always could do it then when I was this me.

I can talk with myself again.I'm at ease with myself. I can enjoy sitting in park with them beside me and just stare at the yellow flowers fall down or watch at dry leaves raining (mohhobatein style) or pet that cute puppy. I can walk slow again. I am no more in hurry to finish things off. I can enjoy silence. I can be calm

I'm back.

Happy Laughter

Madness. That's how it feels when I'm in a different world. World of total happiness and total madness. I write this one as a "sequel" to the happiness post. An addition to that one. Because I experienced something totally different this time. Totally!

I felt all light and wow when I was happy. I could actually live in it. So happy I was that I could make them laugh with me. My short happy giggles were funny enough for them to burst out laughing. And that made me burst out laughing as well.

I was fine. Really. Fine for the first time ever. And they thought I'm drunk!! I was. In happiness. I could talk anything at all. Anything that came into my mind. Freely. Without thinking "I hope I'm not making a fool of myself". That was the beauty. That was because I was totally me then. Like a kid. No mask on my face. No mask of "behaving myself" or whatsoever. I was the natural me. Me off any control of anything at all.

I could laugh on anything. Small silly things were funny enough for me to burst into some weird spell of happy giggles. And this was funny enough for them to burst out into weird spell of happy laughter again :D

I could feel all the tension ease out with every burst of laughter. Feel something new I couldn't define. When happy, there was no room for any sad thoughts at all. Those thoughts didn't matter anyways then. They were of no importance at all. Who wants to be sad anyways? It was like some kind of trance. A happy trance. Something enjoyable.

Everything around was nice. Or that mood made everything seem nice. Well it was nice anyways! Nothing could offend me. Even that car which tried to take up my space on the pavement and in the end took it. Everything was simple. I could see a solution to everything. I was cool and calm. I still was overly happy. A weird combo na? : Calm and hyper happy ;)

I could experience a new face of my own. A face with no tension. No guilt. But pure happiness.

About Happiness :)

Today: 7 Jan, 2009
Wednesday
4:53 PM

Happiness, a suppressed laughter... When out, a hearty laughter... A feeling that is :)
I always wanted to write something on it. Write something special in that mood. Everything is special when happy. Thinking about happiness is making me happy right now :)

First thing that comes to my mind when I think about happiness is a smile. Then on its own comes those happy memories. Then on its own comes a happy smile on my lips... :)

When I'm happy, I feel like a kid. A young, carefree kid. Free from all insecurities. Free of all pains. My laughter then is filled with happiness. Its pure and full of zest. My laughter can make my companion smile. There's life in my eyes then. Its brighter than usual. There's a pinkish glow on my cheeks. I'm alive in that moment. I feel like jumping at that moment, or dance... I can make my companion laugh with joy with my enthu filled voice and that kiddo laughter... I can make them laugh then cos I'm a kid then.

If someone close to me is near me I feel like hugging that person... I give them anything then. I show all my usual hidden love then... All by those small gestures or by those talks...

When I'm happy, everything around me is bright and positive. If it is not so, I make it bright. This is the power of happiness. So strong it is that it can give strength and confidence to a person. A person's happiness and its effects on him/her can make his/her companion happy, can give them the strength. Its a vibe which is felt. A positive vibe. Anything positive is always absorbed by a human. A "sane" human that is. ;)

When I'm happy, there's no one who's as strong as me. No one can bring me down then.

When I'm happy, everything around me is beautiful. The setting sun looks "oranger" than its usual orange... I can hear more birds sing than usual. I can see more kids laugh on the street. I can feel some hidden energy rise in me... A powerful one. I know myself more then. I experience a new form of myself. I enjoy my own company... Every second is enjoyed... Life is totally lived to its fullest at this moment...

When I'm happy, I love myself. I love myself even more than usual. I feel I can do anything a that moment. I can beat anyone. I can conquer anything. I have my world under my feet. I feel strong. I am the strength. I give strength.
I am love. I give love.
I am the energy. I give energy...
I am the light. I give light...
Every breath then is fresh... I give that freshness too...

I feel all this now...
I am happy. I give happiness.