A desperate change

Sometimes things get so out of control that there is strong subconscious craving for a change. A snap, with no consultation from the rational mind, decision is taken to bring a change. Screaming out, "If you can do it, so can I". This is probably, no most of the time, out of discomfort of reality not going in parallel with expectations.So, to make it work something has to be done. Anything when there is some amount of stalking obsession.

Change in personality by trying to integrate small part of many somebody's personality, probably to please (or get attention) someone by assumptions. It feels great for sometime. In the end, it is a self deception, and end up losing a person which is self.
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Rambles

Do not understand the reason of pretense over anything, say: not wanting some things. Yelling it out loud and making yourself believe by making others believe that this is not what you want, but secretly wanting it. This probably happens when you misunderstand the rules of signs. I don't understand them anyways, so I supposedly assume them. Assumptions are wrong because of over analyzing, then get disappointed, become a cynic and then all that pretense.

Not sure about the new directions, because it means change. And that means moving out of comfort zone. For that need to let go.

Sometimes wish innocence is never lost, once it is lost probably all the simplicity is gone. But if it is never lost, there will be no understanding. And the mistakes will probably keep on repeating. I've no idea what I'm blabbering anyways.

Wish for a retrograde amnesia of about 5 years of my life. And if I get a chance, redo it again in a different way.
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And it gets stupider

How do I know what I really want when I'm made believe that that is not what I want? It is that image that is making me want that, the most common parrot answer. Surprises me. They supposedly know what I want, more than  me.And I wonder if they know what they want..

Be it for better or for worst,  I will still want to take the plunge.
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Intuitions

Damn those intuitions! Especially when they actually come true. And when they are right, it sometimes freaks me out. Not every time feel bloated by that. Beginning to believe that they are subtle form of desperate wishes.

Some of those intuitions are so strong that, it is difficult to comprehend if it really is an intuition or a "desperate" wish. At that time, no matter what it is, there is this complete confidence that it IS going to happen. Doubts do creep in now and then when it is a long term feelings. Obviously

Anyways, dammit too!
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Bigger Deception

People I thought are my 'good friends' turned out to be even more big suck ups! Few turned out to be desperados. (I miss my Desparado  :( ) And I can't believe I thought I'm nothing and tried and come up to one of their "levels". And "their" is only one species here though. What have I done! (Dramatic ain't it? :P)

Of all friends left with one, who seems very real. Keeps me grounded and real too.

This is a BIG disappointment.
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Deception

Phonies really are depressing. Not that it should matter to me, but then I'm left with no one to have a good conversation with but myself on this wall. Getting tired of using simple words, probably because I don't want anyone to understand it anymore. But then again I'm bad at writing in a crypt-ed way.

They put up a smart conversation, or start one. Catches my interest, I think it is a break from those dumb boring monotone talk, I participate, and there comes the next line uttered by them which proves that they are complete phonies and real idiots. Strong word I used, but then they are. Just trying to show off. You can make it out from their words. If not show off, they use that stupidest line of giving it up to "fate" or as you interpret it types when I am saying already what I'm interpreting it as.

Another never getting tired talks are those relationship talks they talk. I'm not interested in their personal lives, now I'm not because I've grown sick of it and anyways depresses me listening to their gooey love stories. I never understood how a person can be with one for so long without getting bored of each other. To prove that to me they do those talks, almost persuade me that it works when I see it strong for few years and then it anyways ends, making me even more cynical. Last one didn't last so the reason given is: "You'll find something much better the next time!" or "It was an immature relationship" or "You deserve much better"  and such bull-craps. And then get into another one, give the same damned reason when it ends too. Every time it is immature. I'm now beginning to wonder what exactly is a "mature" relationship, because every time it ends it is tagged immature. Anyways that has put me off. Made me feel wasted.

Getting averse to conversation because of all this. Sometimes I wonder if I had turned into one of them at one particular point. Phonies. No one to talk back on theories or some worth talking thoughts, or get to listen to something new so that I can start thinking in a different way. Because of the void there is this decay because of stagnancy of same line of  thoughts. When I do get it, there is BIG time constraints.

There is so much more but then I've lost interest because of deceptions and because it really won't make a difference. Some things which were beautiful and important to me were tagged as something crappy and insignificant which made me feel even more depressed. So best is to ignore and pretend to make them feel they are smart.

Probably all my decisions weren't right. Now that they are taken, I am in no mood to undo it even if I wanted to.

I'm so bored of this while writing itself that I feel all this is even more crappy, including the post.
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Self Reminders

Should be careful what you wish for. If pursued consciously or subconsciously there is equal probability of it becoming true. And that is what you might not want, might be made out of some emotion.

Just appreciate whatever someone close does for you, weather you like it or not. Just do it, there is no harm. It is easy to flick it off, but difficult to pretend that it didn't matter that it hurt them. When it is done out of love, just accept it.

If bottling and sealing up helps, don't listen to others. They weren't listening to you either when you said this.
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Pretenses

Thought it is tiring, and it is. But the worst part is believing you are not  pretending, being totally confident about it and then again realizing many hours later that, it was a pretense again. Dammit!
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Understanding Silence

To understand silence I realized I need to accept and forgive. Stick to it and not turn back, ever. And finally understand that, the acceptance is with self. And forgive myself for my tongue.

Pushing myself  aggressively to get something which I am consciously and subconsciously rejecting is never going to work. Doing that is only going to frustrate me more. The pressure is only from self. And there is no one else. This is somehow beautiful.

Life has just begun. There is a plan and there is a passion to do it if not with anything else. The plan is to explore and open up. Being a cynic was not by choice and it is not cool. It killed the music in me and the trust. There is nothing wrong with anything as long as I like it and comfortable with it. Some pick on it, because probably they themselves are not in tune with themselves and have turned into a cynic. Pointing out and trying to make fun of it and make it look small, will probably assure them more that cynic is right. Cynical mind rejects everything saying it has to survive. Its  a coward to accept the change.

The guitar strings are beautiful and so is your mind. Cynic blocked me from seeing it. You come and go, and probably this is the last time I will see you. But I now understand that I need to stop doing what I did till now. And I really hope it doesn't go away with you.

One thing I'm proud about is, I was never immature in my big decisions. All the steps I had taken, with or without someone, it may seem immature to them, never was for me. As we grow, mind grows. And if it turns into a cynic, or ideas change, they will call it immature. I won't. Because I know, at that point, whatever the phase was not immature. I was in my sane mind when I had stepped into it.

Once there is a plan, and even if I can see as far as the car's headlight shines I won't back out or push myself into seeing what is there even if I cannot. After all, this is what baby steps were. My baby steps. I guess this is how I'll slowly find out what I want. I knew what I wanted, and doubts shook it off from balance. This time, no room for that.

A warm sunshine. This is how it is going to be. And this is how it will be. It is never too late for anything. For realizing, some times probably yes. But still never too late. And with this there is this light silence. The ability to sit with zero thoughts, is what meditation? :)

Beauty of human mind.
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Movie Wishes

Wish life had movie like ending. You know where you finally realize who/what you are and what you want. And what you really love. And a bonus, brownie point with that, a happy ending.
Wish fiction was as real as reality.
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Silly Why's

 Why is it that we want things we cannot have? The more difficult, more the desire of having it. Why only those things?

Why can't we stick with the belief that we can be totally independent? Why the, you never know when  you'll need someone statement?

Why the doubts? Self given reasons aren't enough?

Why manipulate yourself or your mood for others? Don't you then cease to exist as yourself?

Why is no so hard to digest even when you say you didn't expect anything out of it? How does hope creep in even when you turn into a complete cynic?

Why is that when you need to be very serious, mind distracts you with thoughts which should never be touched again?

Why the uncertainties?

Why is it so difficult to understand what you actually want?

Why is it so difficult to reach a semi final conclusion of understanding what you are?

Why is it so difficult to talk again to a person who was close to you but you now started disliking? Why so difficult to forgive then? Gives the ultimate kiddish feeling.

Why cannot pride and ego be important at "times"?

And why to answer everyone's why?
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