Judging by the Cover 2

There are people who don't, just don't see what is in front of them in a person. They just don't see anything at all.That's how things break. Because of blind opinion. Also because of the smug feeling that they are always right.
I was one of them too, for a while.
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Judging by the cover

Hate people who've already formed an opinion even before giving it a chance.
I WAS one of them :D
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Randomness

Surprised that how I thought I don't know a person at all. When talking to someone else, I realized, I subconsciously know everything about that person. If not all the likes; the behavior, character, the whole person, yes.
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More and More

Just when I thought I understood what EXACTLY it feels like when scared, I got the ultimate in my face slap, "Now, are you scared?" kinda incident. I still don't know if I can still say, "Now I know how it feels when I'm scared." :P

Made me realize, sometimes when I say, I've felt it or seen it, I really have much much more to feel and see. Always a little more than the last time, or exceedingly more. And also this that I can never finally totally conclude on certain things.

I love infinity :)
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Jump

I think I'm falling in love :)

At times I just want to jump into ultra professional world even if (probably) I'm not cut perfectly for it yet. Still it is amazing. Full of interesting people which I don't find in "regular" world now. Even though papa says everyone is interesting in their own way, still not everyone catches my attention. Once my attention is caught, the flow of conversation is amazing!

Talking about stuffs which both of us are passionate about. Interesting stuff, stuffs worth thinking about maybe small (or BIG :) ) philosophy, or psychology, or something on new technology, where knowledge is increasing, abundantly. It is a feeling of belonging. Mature company, which I've been yearning for months now. Where asking questions is not interpreted as being illiterate in stuffs and interpreted as want to learn more. No bullshit talks, no silly things, which I agree are required sometimes, cannot be serious all the time you see. But I enjoy sober at times too. At times gives the feeling of not wasting time.

There are friends who talk all this. And I enjoy conversations like that. 

All of a sudden I want to take this jump and meet more and more interesting people. I was scared of this world at first yes, but now I just want to dive in it! Just waiting to get out of meaninglessness. :)
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Strength

Its like putting on that armor, standing right in the between the battle field, a sword protecting the heart. Its like standing firm, with solid metal around with mirrors in front; facing whatever comes. Whatever it is, it will reflect back whatever comes, leaving me unharmed.

There is strong aura around. You feel it emerging from me, like the brilliant rays of the sun. Too bright for you to see and too easy to feel.

I'm the black hole for pessimism.

Once I believe in it totally, there is no stopping. This is the beauty of strength. And strength gives determination.

I radiate bubbling optimism, full of energy. You can soak into it and pick it oozing from me, like the heat from the sun.

Too bright and beautiful. Too strong and powerful.

This is my strength.

Little Things..

There are those little things that make me so happy... Little insignificant to others, but for me it does make me smile. Some help me keep my faith in things which is on the verge of breaking. And some, make me feel loved and cared.

Saying out those little things helps make some new bond and helps strengthen some old bonds. They touch me so much that its surprising that I have the capacity to feel so much out of so many " normal" things. Normal in others eyes. Somehow they end up being special to mine. Its beautiful to feel them. I won't have some for now, but I do feel for their fairy tales... I feel happy.

For instance, this classmate of mine, who's love is so strong for his girl that he can go to lengths to protect her. Its surprising that their love story started even when I couldn't explain or understand love. They were that young. And its still strong.

Have one friend of mine stare at his girl (who again is a friend). And that look in his eyes says it all. No words required. I can't help feeling wonderful and at the same time feeling what all I've to yet experience and what I missed by being rash at times.

Letting a person know that I find his smile infectious (was not through me) and that I like him (not to take me the wrong way). I was genuinely happy when I saw him in college after a long break. I guess me turning and giving him a broad smile twice said it all. And then yesterday, I acknowledged whatever my other friend told him was right by giving him a knowing smile. He stopping by and talking. Both of us smiling. It made me feel happy all over again (I was sulking ).

Getting hugs from my friends when I miss my mom.

Burying my head in her shoulders when I miss something very bad, to hide my tears in public and she patting my back in response, understanding, and not questioning. Just some calm sound to sooth me.

Teasing me and infuriating to an extent that I'll not look at their faces. And then they making me smile by giving me my favorite chocolate bar. Happy all over again.

A piece of soft sweet music... Listening to it when uncertain and scared. Letting it fill me with peace, like right now. Or listening to a loud rock and walking fast with a friend as a company and letting all the frustrations burn out.

Feeling all these little things has me all grown up. Matured. There is no more of whining. I guess I realized I won't always get what I want. I can still try.

I guess I realized people always go, and I can't always be selfish to keep them.

I really surprise myself by being able to feel so much. All these and much more. Different emotions and situations...

I had allowed myself to believe when people called me emotionless. I was so wrong. I feel much more than others. I have the capacity to feel everything. Capacity to receive and give... I have the capacity to hold myself strong. I am.

I just have to learn to be patient.

Right now, I can enjoy and feel everyone's fairy tale lives around me. Mine will come. With time. I can't help feeling jealous now and then though. I'm with reality. I'll wait for mine.

I learnt to tell all those tiny things that make me happy about others to them. Not keep it in and admire it from distant.

In the end about being happy. No matter what.

Learn. Grow and walk ahead.

"I"

No one cares about "I" but "I". Whats happened has happened. And what is past, is past. What can I do about it NOW? (Answer...) So why crib? Or even THINK about it? (Certain things do need to be thought about though :))

Once I understood this, everything was easy.

Now I am most of the time: "Just do it". Once done, done. Can't be changed right? :)

There is this whole new person out of me once I accepted all that. Like: Throw half sarcastic cum innocent statement to a lecturer, half smile when explaining a topic to the whole class and the dean interrupts me and says "you didnt understand it completely" when I had not paid attention to her classes at all! , duck in front of the whole class when the dean is searching for me, question a sir if he "did" teach that topic or not when writing a surprise quiz (and get "tortured" that day and the next in front of whole class again :D and laugh more about it). Get screwed for forgetting ID in front of whole class and still laugh about on whatever she called me. Its fun! Its simply fun being like this. Done being "serious".

The best part was, I could see the bright part of the whole thing, make fun of it and laugh with every one. What will it matter later?? I choose my time being happy than sit and cry over it. There is no reason for me to be sad at all when there is so much more to do and feel!

I am able to share thoughts with everyone, not just few. What the hell am I gonna do by keeping it to myself? Why not share and explore. (Some yea, are best kept personal :))

Want to buy it? Just buy it! (me being a BIG kanjoos :D)
Want to do it? Just do it!
Want to question? Raise your hand and just ask!
Who the hell cares what others think? I am being me.

Half of them are anyways sleeping or dreaming! In short: No one cares! So why do you care?

I had forgotten all this.

With all this, I'm actually very happy. Whats do I get by crying? Hell nothing (but some exhaustion and sleepiness and waste of time!)! Why not be happy then? :)

Taking life as it comes, with my baby steps to things I want or as I want it to be.

I, Love...

Today: 11 September, 2009
Thursday
12:10 AM

I want to be in love not a relationship. Love is free, like a spirit. When in love why want to give it a name when you can just enjoy being in love and enjoy each other’s company, be there for each other, support each other, talk everything out to each other and just love each other. Everything is simple and understood between us. We’ll be in present and take future as it comes (Though sometimes we will love to plan for it : ) ). Nothing else matters. It is pure, beautiful and free. To hell with the world.

I enjoy being in love. That love need not be for that ‘special’ person. I enjoy loving things I love. (I realized that better today.) I love FAFL classes and Networks as a subject. I love logics and maths in theory. I love computers and I love my branch. I love to work when I am working on something I am passionate about. I love my passion and my will to do it. I love my determination. I love my strength. I love me.

I love my best buds. I love every morning and I love looking at the stars. I love to get lost in the things I love doing. I love my life and I love the chances and the probabilities. I love to learn.

I love my blanket and I love my soft toys. I love the little things around me. I love to observe and I love rains. I love philosophy. I love psychology.

I love to love. I love to smile. I love to laugh and I love being happy. I love being alive and so love it being in love! I love being me. I just love me! Muah!! : )

I’m so happy!

Today's quote here:You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it.
Gilbert Chesterton (1874-1936)

Bangalore

I never thought I'll be writing on this some day!

Every day I got up cursing her, and today I noticed her, and god, she is beautiful. Every time I traveled, there would be some music filling my ears, and my eyes would be shut, or looking down at the road. Few weeks back, I looked up.Today I actually saw her, and this time music was some background sound, and I got attached to her. She is awesome.

I learnt a lot here. I cursed, but still I learnt.

I came out of an illusion. Illusion called love. I must have forced myself to believe in it. And later I "thought" I felt it. She reminded me, and asked me, "What was it that you always believed in?"

I listened to someone, and went ahead. It had to fail. And for the first time I'm happy it failed! I'm free of my pact.

When in love, I was changed. My ideas where almost forced to change. I was "made" to believe in things I didn't. By made I was not forced, but made believe that those ideas ARE right. I forgot mine.

And then now I asked, "What was it that I always believed in?"

I know things will work fine now. I know what I really want. I know my challenges, and I know my goals.

Its not that I learnt nothing out of it. I learnt how to be ruthless. Its needed if I have to survive.

She made me see how far I can go to get what I really want. I just have to see how far I can push myself to get it. :) She made me really see how ambitious I can be. And I was myself surprised. I no more see a big "?" anymore.

Though I hated some of her "children". They would be interested in others lives than their own. It was irritating. I suffered cos of that. But then I saw, few select "typical" ones were like that. I met the best of people here too. And those who didn't even know me, were ready to help me. This is best here. People do help.

I wold get irritated initially when I wouldn't understand when her people would speak in Kannada. I would ask them to speak in English/Hindi. They would just smile and continue in Kannada. Now I know why. That is to make me learn. And some of them really help me out with it. If not speak, I can understand bits of it. :) That's the way some people indirectly try to help.

Her curly scripts I can't read all. I read it slow. But still I love trying to read it, and then read the English version below and smile when I'm correct. She makes me want to learn her script sometimes.

Then comes to calling it the garden city. I talked ruff about this part. It was cos I never saw up. Today I saw it and I fell in love with some areas. Say for example R T Nagar. I've come to love the colour green cos of her. Its lovely to see a tree on the side of the road, and some yellow flowers fallen around it. Looks gorgeous!

Only flaw is, its too polluted! Gives me a running nose! And another biggest flaw is smokers! There is no place where you wont find smokers! I can make an exception: Lalbagh! Its beautiful there!

The weather is so so awesome here that it makes her look even more beautiful and fresh. Especially after it has rained, and when it is still cloudy. Though the sunny sun burns my skin as if there is think ozone layer here!

I live in north Bangalore. I can go all the way down to south Bangalore alone. Myself. She made me confident. She has awesome bus service! :D I love her for that! (Though I'm still uncomfortable waiting in a crowded place :( )

She has made me love my own company again. I'm comfortable with myself now. I joined my college because I loved the peaceful air there, especially in the park. I can now go there and sit by my myself with a book in my favorite spot there. Its one particular bench, surrounded by trees. And some birds chirping with some soft breeze. And some monkeys jumping sometimes on the trees :D

I was unable to walk alone with the sound. I had to listen to music when I walk. Yesterday I could walk without any music. I walked with the sound of rain splattering on my umbrella.

I enjoy walking looking at the sky and her trees. Its lovely.

I'm falling so much in love with her, that I guess I'm getting attached to her. I might find it difficult to leave. Maybe I wont leave. :) She has taught me so much, and helped me build so much.

She's not so bad after all! All I had to do was, give her a chance. :)

Finally!

I should yell "Yipppe"! I finally started enjoying coding! Thanks to my research dean. (The best/worst part was, I was her object of interest today (mixture of both good and bad :D)). I never enjoyed lab this much. I was almost asked to "leave" the lab today :)

She teaches us. Not everything. Certain things are left for us to do on our own. We are not kids you see :) And that creates the interest and increases the hunger to know more. She leaves it in such a way that leaves me hungry to know more about it. And then code it to see it for myself. This has helped me to understand her subject well. She is a hell of a trainer! Sad that not all our lecturers are like her.

For the first time I enjoyed working on the subject, coding it and trying my best to make it work, even though that subject is not my line of interest. Its fun. Working in a team makes it much more fun. We understand even better. At least I did.

And it finally answered my question. And I realized, emotions are secondary! I was so engrossed today that there was no feeling of love or hate in my heart. (Man, I've come to hate the word heart!! ) Or any other shitty emotions but that of just getting the result. This is fun :D

And I'm enjoying drinking coffee!

I think I should rename my blog now.. ;)

Have I gone corrupt? Or finally on the right track?

P.S. : :
I re-read my post.. Maybe I shouldn't be so heartless. Maybe I should reserve the particular emotions for their own particular time. I shouldn't forget: I am a human. Whatever the chemicals in my head, I still feel it. It is that that makes me a unique me. And sometimes those emotions are really wonderful, with even more wonderful memories.

I guess they are important, but when required at their particular time. Till then it can be secondary. :)

Case solved :)

All good things...

...comes to an end.

It is said, whatever is yours, will stay with you forever, and what is not, will go away.

But the surprising part is, even after you know what is yours, goes away. Its as if the definition is changing. True, you can't hold on to anything, even if it is yours.. But then, it never comes back, or doesn't even stay.
Its as if, nothing is certain. It will be certain, if you take active part in it. Meaning, take interest in it. Show that it does matter to you. Else one fine day, it will go away. Nothing will stay.

You sure have to work to keep what is yours with you. Else..
Nothing stays.

Lonely?

I've heard people say they are "so so lonely" when they get bit down. All they need to do is look around... I guess people don't know what exactly loneliness is. One bad mood, no one to talk to, and you are lonely? I understand someone is required to talk to at that moment and share out the frustrations, but then all you need to do is call. There are so many around... You just need to try and think clear. Keep the mental balance. That's what makes us humans: being able to cope with it. They still are there with you.

I'll tell what loneliness is..
Imagine this...

You go to a new place. An alien place. There is no one to talk to. There is no means to communicate with your loved ones. Or maybe there is no one left. Their status is not known. The place is almost empty. What to do? Where to go? You are disturbed. Frustrated. Something inside you wants to yell out all the pain. Yet you cant yell... You want to throw whatever comes in your hands. Destroy everything that is yours..
You want to talk to some one. Who to look for?

The nights are darker than usual. You feel stranded. Its like standing on an empty road at night and there is no vehicle to go back home, there is nothing at all.. Just a silent breeze. All empty. No sign of life..

When inside your blanket, blackness suffocates you... You can feel it crushing you. Its as if you are in a different planet. A lone person in some totally deserted area... What to do when you need a bear hug, or a kiss on forehead? Who to call when there is no one left? You can feel your hot tears on your cheeks, but there is no one to wipe it off..There is no relation left to make or break..

You pull your blanket closer to yourself, but it doesn't help. The voice in your heart is still yelling. Its midnight and you want to kill yourself. You're going mad by not being able to talk to a live person...

When they were around, you wanted to talk, like you did now... But you were ignored. On your face... A few were there.. But nothing is left now..

You just wish the night ends and hope for something new tomorrow.. A dead hope, knowing that tomorrow will be the same as today. But still hope is a hope... Something that keeps you going, a reason to live...

This is loneliness...

So, are you lonely?

Perfection

Perfect. Wanting everything to be more than just proper. Wanting it to be The Best. "It" can be anything that is desired by me. By anyone.

It it a good trait or bad, I don't know. All I know is that I love things to be perfect around me. A recent discovery. Something which was known, but as usual, reluctant to admit. Its a discovery that makes me mad. Wanting everything to be perfect does gets on my nerves sometimes. Well most of the times.

Wanting that thing to be perfect takes away my time in doing other small things. It takes away my piece of mind. I loose my concentration on other small things. I concentrate on wanting one thing that has been selected and set by my mind to be perfect. I work on making just that perfect and leave the rest. That one thing isn't the only thing right? But when that perfection achieved, it leaves me hungry. Wanting more of it.

If I buy a book, it has to be in tip top condition. Without creases, without dirty marks or whatever. The sheets have to be straight and neat. If I have to like a person, that person has to be perfect. There should be no flaws. No flaws in thinking, no flaws in heart, no flaws in the way he decides, works.. Even the skin has to be flawless! And when I look at myself, I see some imperfection. I see it and want to change it. Then and there. If my skin is not perfect, I've to hide it and work towards making it perfect. Cos I've to be perfect. I am perfect. That gives my ego some satisfaction.

When I see that trait in me, its manageable. When seen in others, and when it affects me, its irritating. When in a relationship, perfection kills everything. Its suffocating when it is forced to make everything to be perfect. It kills everything. Even the relationship.

But when something is made perfect, it looks beautiful. It is beautiful because there is no flaw it in it. Its clear and smooth. Its a product of the energy that was put in into when making it. There's some essence of the creator's life in it. And its unique. Because that was when the creator of that perfect thing was alive. Totally alive. Alive because he has a challenge to make "it" perfect. Nothing else matters then, but achieving that goal. Something to live for. Else life is all empty with nothing to do at all. With nothing to live for.