Why?

It is smothering me. It’s making me hate green more and more. Even though green is not associated with it. It still is becoming synonymous with it, for me. That “it” is Hatred and revenge.

I feel hatred more intensely than happiness or love. When hate comes in, revenge comes in. It’s as if it turns me into a monster.

It all starts with anger. The anger starts making you temporarily insane. So insane, that you are unaware of everything around. Its like that wise turtle said in that movie (Kung fu Panda), it’s only then the mind can think wisely and well when the mind is clear. And anger ruins the calmness.

With that insanity you feel hatred flowing in your blood. Everything feels black. Heart beat is uneven. You feel as if someone is taking over you. Some creature you created yourself, created out of hate and anger. It was created subconsciously, not intended to be created.

That creature takes over you. It shuts out all the ray of happiness and fills it with a weird sensation. A sensation I cannot put in words. It’s as if you’ll never see the sun again. Everything seems dark. You close your eyes and you see nothing but feel hate.

That creature is allowed to be taken over us, over me, in that state of insanity. So much, that it starts rubbing my ego in the wrong manner. So much, that words flow outta my mouth uncontrolled. The words are rude, rash and unkind. It hurts people not intended to.

Once everything is calm, it leaves. It needs that emotion to stay in me. It feeds on that and gives fuel to let it go on for some more time. Once it leaves, I see the site of destruction. Destruction done by me.

Why are those poems written by those poets so famous? The one which is sad… Ode to sadness, pain and what not! Why, even I haven’t been able to write in my happiest mood! I could, only once. And of that creation, I’m very proud. Proud because it’s the most beautiful thing. Proud because I could capture something beautiful. And it did look beautiful.

But then why so rare? I spent my time being happy by doing nothing. Practically nothing. And spent my time when sad by writing something, or doing something.

I’ve tried talking on this with people. I get nothing but philosophical answers. The words (answers) come out easily. But when the same thing strikes them, the words are forgotten, or found hard to follow. Some answers pacify both of us for sometime. But in the end, the same feeling is there within us.

I’m trying to change it. But when I sit down to write something, or do something when I’m very happy, nothing comes out. Nothing but a smile.