The other day I thought its a dead end with no way out to some problem. I thought the whole world has come to an end (being dramatic ;) )... To be exact, I was sad. I could smile only to smile back at faces. I could feel the swell in my eyes when I smiled.. I was exact me with that kiddo in my bus. The best part is he knows when to question and when not to, when to be quiet and when not to, when to hold my hands and when to leave me alone. I love the unspoken understanding between us.. Then I came inside the class... I saw a face. A famliar face. It was burning with anger.. Later I heard of his situation and felt, "By god! I've suffered nothing at all! I' m not on any dead end. The solution is right here, simple and clear!" I started thinking clearly and feeling bit light.
Then came Microprocessor class. My lecturer got irritated at the end of the class, cos some seniors were knocking at the door to announce something for the fest... She yells at them and comes back, (I was on first bench that day) looks at just me in the whole class and starts complaining. I couldn't control and I bursted out laughing, and then the whole class bursted out laughing.. (and she says "you people find it funny, but really when u teach...." She is such a sweet lady. We call her mummy, cos she treats us like her kids.) She made my day.. She eased off everything in me.. I laughed heartily that day. After a long break. Everything then looked so insignificant. I mean that problem. Nothing mattered. I was my usual self again. Bubbling with energy, making people around me laugh by my talks or my laugh. Everything was bright. The usual pokes from kiddo when going back home to make me spit out everything. The usual chedofying when those two got together. Nothing else mattered. I had them with me. I had some support.
Though the year started with a bad note, I could see who were true with me. I saw who were actually there with me, who actually understood me. I could see who really cared. I learnt a lot in a span of some 3 months. I saw a chronic problem ease off in a day. I could sigh in peace that day. I could see how everything can change in a week to a day... A hell lot of experience...
Then again while talking with a friend till late night yesterday, I realized yea he was right! My life has just begun! I'm still so young. I still have so much to experience. And that if something is not changing even if you're working hard on it, sometimes it best to just let it be. It will change be fine sometime later.. There you will learn patience. He also said, everything ends in a good note. If its something is ending badly, its not an end. It has to end in a good note. Its a "kahawat".
Somethings will stay, rest will go. Some people will be there, rest will just disappear. Just that love wont go. Its there to stay. I'll get it unconditionally from those special friends and definitely that special person. Who doesn't want to be loved? I want to be, all over again. This time, I'll be feeling it totally with my arms wide open. I had asked this question to kiddo in these 3 months, " why cant I feel anything like you do?" His answer stumped me, "That's because you are not giving it a chance. You are not making an effort to feel. Leave that thing behind and try and see everything in a new light again. Give the rest a chance" I listened to him and did it, and then I could feel everything. I could lessen the hurt and pain bottled in me and then feel fresh again. Crying does help. :)
Its easy to feel when you listen to your heart and not suppress her. It becomes so easy to feel that loving hug then. So easy to feel loved by them. So easy. It gives some comfort that even though they are not many, but some are there with you forever no matter what. I want to thank those two for their support in these nightmarish months.. I feel so fresh after that talk. There was someone to talk to when in need. I felt nice. All these days I thought I was a free bird, but saw how caged I was. Today I'm free again. Feels good to be able to breath after so long. Everything is so normal back again. Nothing matters anymore.
I'm blogging like this after so long! There's so much more to feel! I'm so young, and I'm ready to grow up. My aunt, cousin have already started searching a guy for me ;) A chef of a great 5 star restaurant , or an air force guy... Kiddo has the responsibility to search for a good air force guy.. I'm waiting to see kiddo in his air force uniform. He's going to my home. He's staying there for 3 years and getting trained. I'm so proud of him.
I thought I had lost me. The chirpy, laughing, free girl in Pune. Everything was so simple and clear for her. I thought she is dead. I found her back. She's here, right in me. Her partner in crime is missing. But then, I found her back in me and found some more partners for "crimes"..
There is so much to do!!
Fall in love
Buy a house with garden for mummy
A bose system for papa
A great car and a cute puppy (a black laby) for myself
Become an independent working woman
go to beaches and walk there in the waves, watch sunset
See my own kids (after seeing my niece :D)
Go for a walk with my dog, play with him on my garden..
Share a hug
Go for an outing with friends or alone with whoever that special one is..
Do a job what I always wanted to do..
Grow my hair long again..
Go to a place where there are so many butterflies..
Watch a butterfly emerge from its cocoon..
Make my parents proud of me..
Do something big and something that will leave an impression
So so many things to do alone and some things with friends and with that special guy (A walk in the beach with him for sure).. so so many things... This life is now so short!
I should read this blog over again whenever I see another dead end. This has my old self's essence, it should bring me out from that dead end. I always could do it then when I was this me.
I can talk with myself again.I'm at ease with myself. I can enjoy sitting in park with them beside me and just stare at the yellow flowers fall down or watch at dry leaves raining (mohhobatein style) or pet that cute puppy. I can walk slow again. I am no more in hurry to finish things off. I can enjoy silence. I can be calm
I'm back.
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