Camera Dreams

I was fascinated with the camera once I saw it. That one particular childhood dream flashed in front of me. I opened my box and realized how much I loved it and how much I wanted it again. Then started the pure want of having it, and not listening to no for an answer.

I didn’t have it then with me. And that was when I learnt most about it. I pursued it with the greatest interest and was highly enthusiastic about it. I almost knew everything about it, but its controlling. I pictured that camera in my hands in white background, and I totally loved it. Then I finally got what I wanted. I couldn’t control it yet. I wanted the manual. And once that was there in my hands, something in me just died down. I am enthusiastic about it once in a while when I find some object interesting which I can capture. But I still cannot completely control it. And that is probably not letting the entire enthusiasm drown. I don’t know what will happen once I completely learn to control it (Or I do). At present it just sits pretty on my shelf.

It was similar with people. I wanted, I pursued in a subtler way. I got it, I drifted. Unless something about them made me stay stable or probably I got comfortable. And the worst part was, once I got what I wanted, I almost didn’t want it when I got it. I don’t know if this is called as not appreciating what I get finally or what. It always was more intense when I was pursuing it, always more interesting when I was few steps away from getting it. Once I got it, it just was not that worth. And once I lost it, it was all the worth. Doing with things fine, doing with humans, it hurts them later. I know that, yet I can’t help being indifferent.

It was noticed before, acknowledged now. If this is the case, then I must never completely get what I want because there is no constant state. I want everything and everyone I like. And this acknowledgment finally is making me uneasy. Stable to unstable to trying to be stable again. I guess it always will have to be like that for me. That is what will keep things alive and worth pursuing.

At present instability is the change of air (again), which I’ll try to make comfortable again by learning few more things. And the cycle will go on. I guess. I've no idea if this is that bad.

I sorta envy those who get what they want and still stay passionate about it once the pursuit is over.

---..