See, before there was no one to please, there was just self to please. There was no doubt over self. Self was thought to be perfect, beautiful and most importantly there was complete faith in self. There was a want to do more, improve more yes, because it was for self satisfaction, again.
When trying to please, I lost all those belief slowly. I realized this when I was looking at myself in the mirror today. I saw and I was speaking to myself asking, “What is wrong in me?”
A few years back it would be a firm statement, “you are perfect. I believe in you, completely.” There would be no questions. No struggle thinking, “What do I do now to...?” There would just be, “This is what I’m doing.” There would be, “This is what I am. I’m perfect. I’m me.” There was comfort with self. I believed that I’m special. If it was only for me, it still was enough. “I am special.” And I believed in it.
And till now, I had started believing, “There is nothing special. There is nothing unique. There will be some element of me in others too. And maybe I have some element of others.” This was all because I wanted to please. All because I tried to be unique, perfect. All because I believed what was said. All because I believed all the reasons, and I kept on saying out loud, “I don’t care what people say” until now I realized, I did. I did care what my close ones said. Who I thought were close said.
And then I realized, no one knows me better than me. I’m still the old me, just that she was lost maybe. Until she looked at herself again, with her own eyes. Not through others. And guess what she said? She said, “I am special.”
Maybe pleasing people very close to you is fine, at times. To make them happy which makes you happy. Selfish reason you see: to be happy. But then I guess, shouldn’t get totally into it. So much that you forget who you really are. Who I really am.
I was very young then yes, but I was very certain. I didn’t have that much clarity then yes, but I believed in myself.
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