At times it gets on my nerves. Me and my stubbornness. It is perfectly understood that it is not what is that important in life, when asked to describe. It is understood. The purpose is more important. It is secondary, if thought logically, rationally. Still I don’t understand why I’m being so annoyingly stubborn. When I see it not working, slipping out of my hands, it scares me. And I try and spend my energy on thinking how to make it work. “Letting it go” doesn’t seem to exist in my dictionary. Rather it is the stubbornness which doesn’t let it exist.
Mind can be easily distracted when future plans are laid out and immerses itself to work for it. What kills is the break. Break gives time for it to get distracted back to that “it”. And the outermost for loop is running again. And I again scare myself. The worst statement ever made is: I’m scared of myself. I just can’t make out if it is my mind that is controlling me or is it me controlling my mind.
Either way, it is just being stubborn. Either it is hesitant to the new beginning and being a block to self or it is just scared of starting over.
A want is a want it says. I have to have it. When I ask why, there is no answer. It just doesn’t answer. Or maybe I don’t want to listen to it. Two questions pop up in my mind when I ask why:
1. Do you really love it?
2. Or is it just the fear?
Why be stubborn on that fish, when there are millions of other fishes? Again, no answer. The two questions pop again. But no answer.
Listen to your mind, “philosophers” said. Listen to it, and later you get peace. The mind will be quieter. There will be long gaps slowly. Hello!! Is it that what I want right now? I’m done listening. I want action. I need to see it work. Somehow, anyhow. A want is a want. I have to have it.
Again I ask why?
1. Is it really love?
2. Or is it just the fear?
All I need is an answer.
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