Loose

April 4, 2008
Friday
Anaadyanta:Day 2
DJ nite

The most memoriable day of my life ever! Better that July 1. Have to apologise to someone for saying that! The day when I enjoyed to the maximum limit.. Till the limit itself got exhausted! Still could have exceeded it if the time permitted... That night was the DJ nite... Day 2 of my fest Anaadyanta.. Which means neither a beginning nor an end... It did stick to its name.. And it will be a day of sorrow when the fest ends at 9:30pm..

It all started slowly. The first awkward step. Step to try and free myself. Try and see my limits. I was more resistant. Because then I cared less bout myself. First mistake which I gradually overcame.

The First step: try and loosen
myself.

It started with a jump. Then raising my hands... Then singing along with the croud. And yelling my lungs out. The first step.
Then came a train. And I just joined them and was carrried along. With me were my friends, with Swapna holding my shoulders. Thus started the journey of my first step.

The Second step: I'm free

I started to loosen myself. DJ started playing the most loved songs.. with the most amazing music! The night rocked! With the breezing blowing softly in the basketball court (our dance floor!) after that soothing rain (NMIT tradition - Rains every year during the fest!! April and it rained!! So yea.. the tradition is carried on!!!)
We formed a circle and danced on.. Swapna had asked me to forget everything and enjoy. I did. But the time was ticking... But forgot it as quickly as I remembered it...

The Third step: Lost
Control!

The Third step:Lost Control!I could feel my heat! My heart was thumping.. pumping more and more blood to give me the energy which was wasted all these years... I was sweating and was all drenched in it! It was cool outside but not cool enough for me. I had already started leading the group along with another girl (the one who's laughter is like a donkey braying!)
I was loosing myself. I was all loose by now.. I was true to myself. The first time ever. I could see what all I could do, what all I could cross.
I moved on those steps which were forbidden for a good girl. I just couldn't stop myself. I was aware initially that guys are around, though separated for safety (some of them boozed!).. but then later I so lost control of myself that I said to hell with them. I wanted to explore how sensual I could be. I loved myself more than ever. I got back my self respect.

The Fourth step: I'm Beyond Control of
myself and others!

I was gasping for breath. My heart needed rest. Was pumping vigorously. I stopped right there on the floor. I couldn't stand. I was wobbling. I was out of my mind! I went over to where we had kept our bags. Swapna was there, along with Smitha. I could feel numbness all over me. I was talking what I felt. Without thinking what is right or wrong. Just like kids do. And they thought I had gone mad. And I loved being mad! Cos mad can speak anything they want to, cos in the end they WILL be called mad. So who cares?

I pulled them back on the floor. I was talking nonsense! Swapna was wondering if I'm fine. Just before the DJ nite I was crying. Crying over a half broken relationship, pathetic family life... I realised, how much I've to enjoy. I cant waste it. I attended the fest to forget everything and enjoy. That was my driving force. That made me take The First step...

I danced even more... I was feeling drunk and had started acting like one. By then, I was the hidden myself. The "she" I had felt before. The "she" who had wanted to break out of me. I had mentioned it to only one person till now. I'm proud of that "she". "She" is the strongest woman in me.
I got the kick without even letting a drop of alcohol touch my lips, without even snorting those drugs. I lost control on my own free will and experienced it the maximum extent...
I danced on such moves and with such feeling of drunken state that if my parents would have seen me, I would have been slapped hard by my dad..

The Fifth step: Content with life

All good things come to an end. The DJ ended the night.. Time to go back. I dint want to leave that. I was enjoying being the "she" in me. Swapna pulled me. I had to lean on her. I couldn't stand. I love her for bearing me. I was talking all shit.. Whatever came in my mind. Whatever I felt. My voice uncontrolled and Swapna askin me to calm down. But I was never ever so calm in my life! And never ever had so enjoyed my life!

I felt content for the first time. I had myself with me. I might not have that someone in a few months time, but I have me. I have my friends.

Just one night changed my life. I got back me..
I enjoyed walking back with Swapna, from the college grounds to the bus place. The breeze was still with me. Blowing in my ears and making me feel cool. Now it was cool enough for me...

Back home.. I slept with peace filling me, with a calm face. Exhaustion talking over me. I slept as soon as my head hit my pillows... Wont wait for such nights again.. but will try and make it happen!

"Everybody look at me, me
I walk in the door you start screaming
Come on everybody what chu here for?
Move your body around like a nympho
Everybody get your necks to crack around
All you crazy people come on jump around
I want to see you all on your knees, knees
You either want to be with me, or be me!"

That was exactly me when I was dancing.. Dancing like no one's watching..