Vent

Today: 13 December, 2009

Sunday

12:25 am

I walk up to her and stand facing her. I tilt left and then right, as if I’m viewing my own side profile... She does the same. I look into her eyes; lovely black eyes, always speaking something.

She has an honest heart; an honest face. The face, I’ve been seeing it since   years, still seems unknown to me.  She has experienced joy, pain, love, rejection, almost every possible emotions, just like everyone else. And the most beautiful part is how she has grown over the years, though she has had her moment of madness.

I blink and she blinks back. It’s a reflection I’m looking at. I smile, and she smiles back. My li’l head starts thinking:

It’s so easy to speak and make myself believe something, only if it gives relief for a moment. It’s worth though. A moment of distraction and a moment of illusion. The dreadful part is: I will have to face it sometime. Till how long will I keep running away? Whatever happened to, “Turn back and face the wind!”? A coward now? I look again into the mirror, whoever she is, she is not me anymore.

There are changes. I’m changing, making myself tough. I have to; it’s a tough world out there. I’ve had enough heart-breaks for now.

There’s a difference between being tough and being strong. I’ve to be tough to be stronger. There’s no point being a soft layered person and trying to be strong. If not tough, things eventually start to break inside me again and again. Then I start feeling that weird burning hole in my heart. A weird feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty. A pathetic feeling of self doubt. Leaves me scared and twitchy. Such pathetic uneasiness that I feel like curling up into a ball, hugging myself so tight that I can stop the pain. It’s really pathetic. Everything is haywire. Every work stops, no concentration. A complete mess. And trust me, it feels even more horrible when things are not under self control.

Changes are difficult to accept. Sometimes it does leave me feeling dazed, asking myself “Is this really happening to me?” Sometimes it’s so horrible that I end up cursing myself and then the “fate”, saying the damned thing, “I don’t deserve this!”

It’s sometimes confusing on when to let things go and when to hold on to it. I feel two thins when I let things go:

1.   I’ve given up. It’s like holding on to fistful of desert sand.

2.   I’m building up courage to face something new. It’s exciting but at the same time I’ve to leave my comfort zone. (those twitchy, uncertain blah blah feelings are max)

I lie yes, to convince myself when it’s going out of control, creating an illusion, making myself believe the point 2 and trying to make myself strong. And when I lie to myself, I do it to others around me for my and their own good, if they are linked to it. I can’t be a nuisance to anyone. Or worst, a nuisance to myself. If it’s for the “emotional” good, then what’s the harm? As long as its not affecting anyone. If the truth is too hard to accept, lie works, if only for a moment... (Emotional sense I mean here, not work sense.) The best part is I’m convincing enough for whoever person is concerned and even to myself. (Later it hits hard, to me.)

Sometimes, really life really gets so complicated even when things can be so very simple. “It’s all in the head.” Plus there are those emotions like ego, arrogance, pride, etc which gets into the way and makes it even more complicated. So very confusingly complicated. It frustrates me.

The priorities are set, head is satisfied; what about heart? Is she important? I’m focusing on making her tough, so it has to be, right? So complicated being a human with those hormones and emotions inside!

I’m still in front of the mirror. I look at myself again. It’s the same eyes, same smile. The essence is same, but still something has changed. What I not used to believe in, I believe in it now and vice versa in some cases. What I used to call me is not me. I’ve no idea if its just a phase or situation has permanently done the “damage”. Whatever it is, it is new. It is like being in someone else’s skin. It’s not at all comfortable. I miss the “back home then” me. There was some innocence, which is forever gone. There was some raw energy of being self, no pretending or trying hard to heal out of failures. It’s gone too. The ease of being able to express emotions, love, warmth, somehow is buried deep inside. All the bubbles of energy popped. Something that made me that is missing. The essence is same, but person is different. I don’t like it.

Time heals everything. Like this? Not fair.