Forget me not...

Forget me not

I’m your memory

Forget me not

I am you

I used to make a big deal of forgetting whatever memory that gave me pain. Blocking every damn thing that had made me cry and hurt me. I thought there is no place for sadness or pain in my life and I have to erase it. And I did it. I almost did.

Months back, a friend comes back to me and asks me, “Do you remember how we used to do this....” And I am shocked with myself that everything is so distant and lost. This one was happy, but around the painful part. What was wrong with this one that I made it so faint?

I was ruthless and told the friend about my theory. I didn’t realize how hurtful it could be. I didn’t understand his desperate attempts to keep it alive in me. And I would wonder why so much of pain was taken to keep it alive. And recently just the thought of one good friend forgetting me forever was like sucking air out of me.

It was so cowardly of me! Running away just because it had hurt me! What the hell?! There’s much more than this, to life and to me. I was such a sissy to give up!

This part of a song exactly fits to the feeling I’m feeling and yelling out now:

The struggles I’m facing

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But, no I’m not breaking

I may not know when

But these are the moments that

I’m gonna remember most yea

Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong

Just keep pushing on

But there’s always be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to loose

Ain’t no bout how fast I’ll get there

Ain’t no bout what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

He was right. If I say, “This is it” then it will be that. If I say, “This is the beginning. A new star’’ then it will be that. Life goes on the way I ride it.

Something shouldn’t be so controlling on me that I’ll start destroying the element of me. I was late. Better late than never... At least now I know who and what is important in my life. Thanks kiddo. I wish you were here right now and I could tell it that I finally understood what you felt. I was stupid to take try and take something so precious away from me.

If not for these memories there would have been no learning. These memories itself are element of me and for me learning things and coming up stronger. Memories are beautiful even if sad. Just that I shouldn’t let it hurt me. Nothing can. I’m finally so blissful that nothing can! J

All I know is everything that happened is now a part of my life. There is no point denying it. However hard I yell, it will still be the same. I can just smile and move on. Everything is precious to forget. I can’t be so brutal on myself, can I? If I remove it, I’m tearing me apart. I can just store it in the attic and never touch it.

Forgetting is not easy. I guess it’s ok to regret. That way I’ll know what not to repeat next time. Regret is like acknowledging a mistake. And my chemistry lecturer used to say, “Fools repeat a mistake twice”. But I should regret and leave it there I guess and not hang on to it and think so much over it that I forget what I actually have to do next.

Life is a climb.